Gift to wife (Kind of weapons related) Oldie but a goodie

[bersaguy]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived,with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!!!  
    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
   There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.     But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:  A one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
   A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and  A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.     
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, "no possible way"!!
     What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, "Don't do it stupid", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE ....!!!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note- If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser one note of caution:
     There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor!! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
       I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.*The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. *My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. *My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. *I had no control over the drooling. *Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
   *I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 

[Sidecarist]

I have nothing to say...I'm laughing too hard.

[Obiwan]

Same here. I don't know if I should "Like" your post or not. I don't like your painful experience, but I do like the way you wrote it! Well, there it goes... liked. Don't think less of me.

[TripleGGG]

ROFLMFAO

[Caster]

Not sure which one was the poorest of decisions: Self test of an electrical weapon OR telling us about it.


You do understand that even if David were to erase this thread, which he won't cause he's too busy laughing his frickin azz off too, NONE OF US WILL EVER FORGET THIS.

[rugerla1]

Lmaooooooo!

[quietguy]

We call that stupid tax, and I have paid more than my share.  You should have listened to Gracie.  

[ncomarc]

There may be more than one perp, you should test to see how many times it'll work.......

[WindHawk]

Great personal testimony!  Can we get a repeat performance with a video this time??  :eek:

[jpx2rk]

Yes, pics, love pics.   Bet the cat stays away from you going forward.  Reminds me of "hold my beer" stories.  

[Johnny Rotten]

I was at a gun show in the 90's in CA, walked by a guy sharing a boot selling guns and tasers, they had a ez up canopy over their tables, one guy was demoing the arc on the metal pole to a customer, his buddy wasn't paying attention and had his cheek touching the pole on the other side, need less to say he went down like rock,it was so funny..

[bigun]

Have read this several times in the past.But it still makes me laugh uncontrollably. :bowrofl:

[broox]

Pictures

[hipower]

This is one of the best tales ever! I've run across it before, but it never fails to give me a chuckle and a belly laugh or two.

[bersaguy]

There are just somethings you can read and then read a year later and laugh just about as hard as the first time. That is why I have them book-marked on my puter.  When I need a pick me up I will go read a couple and makes my day better...........jmho

[SALK]

Thank you for that hilarious encounter at your expense!!!!!!