is it a good or bad idea to let a 14 year old visit her mom in jail?

[3600]

since there is an off topic section here I thought I might ask about this 

 

 

My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is in jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my daughter we should be glad her mother is serving time for her actions. Doing the right thing for her mistakes. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree 

I think it is good to prepare in advance for her absence for the next six months. I wonder what are some good ways to do so, we still have time one of the things we must figure out is how to prepare for this upcoming incarceration. What are some good ways especially for each person to prepare for this? 

My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she also said it is kind of funny that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about itshould I take her to visit her mother when she is in jail, or is it a bad idea? My wife says she can come if she wants to. But even if she wants to it could be a bad environment. Also, seeing her mother in jail (which I hear is very de humanizing) could be a bad image. Her mom will be dressed in a jail uniform and is of course rightfully being treated like any other inmate but that might send a "normalizing" message to my daughter -I hear it is a hassle to get in. Also, seeing other inmates or even police officers could be intimidating to a young girlIf I do allow her what should I tell her in advance to prepare her? Is it a good idea for her to ask her mother questions about all this?

Edited October 9, 2015 by 3600

[Omega]

A child should have access to both parents unless one or both are abusing them. Life is about ups and downs, the sooner she learns that the better. Besides, it's not like she is an axe murderer, she screwed up and is receiving the consequences; a good lesson me thinks.

[TrickyNicky]

I've got mixed feelings on this. Sometimes good people do stupid shit and up in jail, I'm not trying to pass judgment on you or your wife. I think you've done a good job addressing the negatives of the situation, but are there any potential positives? Do you think your daughter may be in any kind of need of a behavioral wake up call? Going to visit folks in jail can be an excellent wake up call to ship up. So can posting bail, but mores when you go to jail and are treated to a bit of loss of humanity for yourself. 

 

If thats not any kind of deciding factor, I would probably go a few times solo first and get a feel for the process and the place, once you know the drill you will be much better prepared to make the parental call for yourself.

 

Good luck to you and the wife. Tell her to read as much as possible, sign on for ANY sanctioned group that may be available i.e. bible studies, educational, work etc. and keep quiet on her personal life. Any one that needs to know anything about her real life already does and jail is no place to make friends. Generally speaking. If she gets her head right and keeps it down she'll only really do two days, the day she goes in and the day she comes out.

[Garufa]

I say let her visit. There can NEVER be enough reinforcement of the consequences of "bad decisions". That goes not only for all people but especially those at that age.

[Pete123]

I have visited many people in jail and have been in jails and prisons extensively with volunteer work I used to do.

 

A general comment is that it seems to me that you envision this as being much worse than it will be

 

I think your and your daughter visiting your wife is a good idea.  It isn't that hard.  You and she go to the facility and sit in a waiting room.  The waiting room will be filled with families with children.  I've never seen negative behavior in a jail waiting room. They will take a group of you back. Normally, you speak on a phone through glass.  Yes, your wife will be in jail clothing, but other than that it won't seem different.

 

I don't see that sticking by her for a mistake or visiting her in jail is enabling her in any way - as you say, she is taking responsibility for her actions.

 

Your daughters comment about her being in jail sounds like teen rebellion rather than an ugly comment.  

 

My thinking in speaking with your daughter, as well as your wife, is to say that she made a mistake and has to face the consequences of that mistake.  The good thing is that she recognizes that her behavior was negative.

 

I know many people who feel like getting sent to jail is the best thing that ever happened to them.  Also, 6 months isn't much time.  It is fortunate that he crime was relatively small.  The sentencing on financial crimes has a lot to do with how much money was involved.

 

As far as helping your wife prepare, google 'preparing to go to jail' and you will find good suggestions.

 

Everyone I knew in jail was male.  The basic suggestions for them:

 

Stay to yourself.

Stay out of the common areas when possible. 

Don't try to influence what is watched on TV - lot's of fights over that.

Don't act like a victim - the Google links will probably talk about that.

 

VERY IMPORTANT:  She shouldn't let anyone give her anything.  A common way that folks are turned into sex toys is that they are given things - food, cigarettes, etc... and come to learn that when they can't pay back they have to submit to sex.

[DaveTN]

I think you should ask a child psychologist. I think this has the potential to cause more problems than 6 months of not seeing her Mom. I think a County mental health facility might talk to you for free.

Disclaimer: I’m not a child Psychologist, don’t play one on TV and didn’t sleep at a Holiday Inn last night.

[Shepherd Master]

When it comes to my children, I don't pretend, lie, or excuse. 

 

This is your current reality, your wife and you and your daughter need to face head on. 

[Jonnin]

Why not go?  She won't be exposed to other cons for a long period to be "corrupted" or something.   She gets to see that jail is miserable, hopefully, and not something one wants to experience.   Make a positive lesson about it, responsibility etc and go.

[FTE]

I can't imagine why any parent would subject their child to this.......

Better yet, you seriously need to reconsider the repercussions of staying married to a convict.


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[Garufa]

I can't imagine why any parent would subject their child to this.......

 

I hope you mean getting put in jail.

[FTE]

I hope you mean getting put in jail.

Well yes, I assumed everyone understood that. once a parent lands there, allowing a child into that environment seems to be an equally bad decision.


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[wewoapsiak]

My mother was in jail for 3 or 4 years in my teenage life, and my father has been in jail for the last 20 or so.  My mother was in jail for numerous things, but she was in a minimum security facility and our visitations was in a cafeteria setting surrounded by other inmates and their visiting family.  Hell, they even had a family day where we had decent free roam of the place.  If your daughter wants to see her mother, my advice is to let her; nothing bad can come out of seeing her mother in jail as long as she understands the why, but if you try to keep your daughter from her they'll both grow to resent you I fear.

 

Any twat waffle who thinks they know what is best for you and your family should learn to mind their own business, life isn't black and white and shit happens. 

[FTE]

And one more thing. You are her father so you know here better than anyone else and way better than any of us you just met. If you are worried it might affect your daughter then YOU do what YOU think is right to safeguard your daughter. In your gut you know what you need to do and nothing we say or do should stand in that way.

It is going to be hard on everyone but remember no matter how hard your day is I can guarantee your wife's will be worse.


People make poor decisions all the time and get in trouble. Just because someone made a mistake doesn't mean their family should abandon them. Everyone one of us here has been distracted, either changing the radio, answering our phone or just not paying attention, and left the roadway and drifted onto the shoulder. Now imagine at that same exact time there is someone walking along the edge of the road. Now you are looking at some serious time, definitely more than the six months his wife is doing.

That is an extreme case but every one of us has broken a law that could have put us in jail.

And if you would divorce your wife over something minor, especially after spending a long time together, you really need to reevaluate why you are married in the first place. If my wife went to jail for anything other than hurting me, our son or his family I would be right by her side until the end.

Six months, that would only make me want her more especially after all the pillow fights, pajama parties and wet t-shirt contests going on in there......BRB

Going to jail for a financial crime is neither minor nor comparable to an accident.....


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[Omega]

Going to jail for a financial crime is neither minor nor comparable to an accident.....


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"Accidents" are just misnamed negligent incidents.  As far as financial crimes go, writing bad checks can land you in jail.  I certainly don't think we're talking of Madoff here.

[FTE]

Bouncing a check is a financial crime. Most people who have a checking account has had it happen.

Still begs the question, why be married to someone you would abandon when they need you most?

Logical fallacy aside, you gonna stick by your wife if she commits murder? Wouldn't she need you most then??

Or, are you going to think about the other person that may need you most.....the child.


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[FTE]

Bouncing a check is a financial crime. Most people who have a checking account has had it happen.

Still begs the question, why be married to someone you would abandon when they need you most?

And, to be clear, bouncing a single check does not land one in jail.........


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[Omega]

Logical fallacy aside, you gonna stick by your wife if she commits murder? Wouldn't she need you most then??

Or, are you going to think about the other person that may need you most.....the child.


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Depends on the circumstances, some people need killing.

[vontar]

Didn't read everything, mostly just OPs first post.

I would let her visit based on the first post.  Plus at 14 she should be old enough to know there are consequences for certain mistakes.  It might help keep her out of trouble later in life.

[Dolomite_supafly]

If she does not harm me, our son or his family then yes I would. I have spent more time with my wife than without so I would be right by her side. She has been with me at my worst so the least I can do is return the favor.

And yes a single bounced check can put you in jail. Like I said people go to jail all the time for forgetting to pay a ticket. Warrant gets issued and at that point nothing you can say or do will keep you from going to jail. A bounced check is no different.

Not saying it is ok to break the law or anything like that. Just saying going to jail is no reason to tear a family apart.

Wonder what would be worse, letting the child visit or divorcing the mother?

[partypilot1]

There are plenty of good people who have gone to jail for making a poor decision/decisions during moments of weakness. Hopefully she will be able to make good come out of the experience.

[partypilot1]

I would think it is a good lesson for the child, if she so chooses to see her mother, that there are real concrete consequences to actions

[raildog]

You need to do what feels right to you you know your wife and daughter better than any one. It will be good for your wife to see her family as much as possible. Your daughter will see a side of the world most adults never see. It will teach her some valuable lessons about family and consequences that she will never forget that she will take through the rest of her life. As far as your wife is concerned if she is going to County lock up it will be easier than state. She will be put in general population. Tell her to keep her head down and mouth shut do as she us told. My father is a CO TDOC he say the women's prison is a s&>\ hole it was a mens prison that the state closed remodeled and reopen as the women's prison. Good luck to you and your family ya'll will be in my family's prayers.
GOD BLESS

[btq96r]

For my $0.02, I would talk to a child psychologist, and maybe even have your daughter attend a session with one first to gauge if she's ready.  The part where you mention she is making jokes about this has me wondering if the reality of it all has sunk in yet to her. 

 

Depending on how much she's been shielded from the visuals of all this, having it hit like a dropkick when she see's her mother in a prison uniform would be impactful to her, to your wife on the other end, and to you in the middle of it all.  I'd seek to avoid that first and foremost.  If your wife was away for longer it would be an issue you would have to deal with, but six months is very manageable to hold off on the visitation if that's best for your daughter.  Hell, Soldiers go longer than that on overseas tours before they get leave or their unit comes home, so this is something you family can recover from when the time comes to welcome your wife back home.

 

Best of luck with it all.

[Ropin4gold]

If she's doing 6 months she is most likely at a county jail not a TDOC facility. County jails all have different facilities for visitation. I would say if your daughter wants to go then take her once and see how it goes. Lots of family have visitations every week in jail.

[Wingshooter]

I have a 15yr old daughter. If it were my wife, I would stick by her and comfort the kids. I would have a good conversation with the kids, explain things and allow them to visit if they want to.

Good luck. It has to be hard on all involved.