Elderly Folks!!!! A few jokes

[bersaguy]

Theater Seats for Seniors

> An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
> When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
> "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
> The old man didn't budge.
> The usher became more impatient.
> "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
> manager."
> Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
> The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
> returned with the manager.
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
> man, but with no success.
> Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation
> briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
> "Fred," the old man moaned.
> "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
> With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...
> ... "The balcony."
>
>>
>> An elderly gentleman...
>> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
>> doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
>> hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly
>> gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
>> 'Your hearing is  perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
>> you can hear again.'
>> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
>> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
>> will three times!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
>> bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm
>> 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
>> How do you feel?'
>> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
>> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
>> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
>> eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
>> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
>> to a  new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it
>> very highly.'
>> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
>> The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the
>> name of that flower you give to someone you love?
>> You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
>> 'Do you mean a rose?'
>> 'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the
>> kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
>> to last night?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
>> However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
>> gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
>> his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
>> to the elevator.
>> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
>> changing out of her hospital gown.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
>> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
>> but they might want to start writing things down to help them
>> remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
>> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
>> 'Sure..'
>> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
>> she asks.
>> 'No, I can remember it.'
>> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
>> it down, so as not to forget it?'
>> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
>> strawberries.'
>> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
>> it down?' she asks.
>> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
>> Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
>> goodness sake!'
>> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
>> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
>> She stares at the plate for a moment.
>> 'Where's my toast ?'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
>> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
>> 'Yep!'
>> 'Do I know her?'
>> 'Nope!'
>> 'This  woman, is she good looking?'
>> 'Not really.'
>> 'Is she a good cook?'
>> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
>> 'Does she have lots of money?'
>> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
>> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
>> 'I don't know.'
>> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>> 'Because she can still drive!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Three old guys are out walking.
>> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
>> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
>> cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
>> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is  it?'
>> 'Twelve thirty..'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
>> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
>> a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
>> really doing great, aren't you?'
>> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
>> be cheerful.''
>> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
>> murmur; be careful.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> And One more..!
>>
>>
>> A little old man shuffled slowly into  an ice cream parlor and pulled
>> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his
>> breath, he ordered a banana split.
>> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
>> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[hipower]

Theater Seats for Seniors

> An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
> When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
> "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
> The old man didn't budge.
> The usher became more impatient.
> "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
> manager."
> Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
> The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
> returned with the manager.
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled
> man, but with no success.
> Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation
> briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
> "Fred," the old man moaned.
> "Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
> With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied...
> ... "The balcony."
>
>>
>> An elderly gentleman...
>> Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
>> doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
>> hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly
>> gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,
>> 'Your hearing is  perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that
>> you can hear again.'
>> The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
>> I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my
>> will three times!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
>> bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm
>> 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
>> How do you feel?'
>> Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
>> 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
>> 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
>> eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
>> The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
>> to a  new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it
>> very highly.'
>> The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
>> The first man thought and thought and finally said,  'What is the
>> name of that flower you give to someone you love?
>> You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
>> 'Do you mean a rose?'
>> 'Yes, that's the one,'  replied the man. He then turned towards the
>> kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
>> to last night?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
>> However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
>> gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
>> his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
>> After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
>> to the elevator.
>> On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
>> 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom
>> changing out of her hospital gown.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
>> During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
>> but they might want to start writing things down to help them
>> remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
>> 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
>> 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
>> 'Sure..'
>> 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
>> she asks.
>> 'No, I can remember it.'
>> 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
>> it down, so as not to forget it?'
>> He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
>> strawberries.'
>> 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write
>> it down?' she asks.
>> Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
>> Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
>> goodness sake!'
>> Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
>> returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
>> She stares at the plate for a moment.
>> 'Where's my toast ?'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
>> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
>> 'Yep!'
>> 'Do I know her?'
>> 'Nope!'
>> 'This  woman, is she good looking?'
>> 'Not really.'
>> 'Is she a good cook?'
>> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
>> 'Does she have lots of money?'
>> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
>> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
>> 'I don't know.'
>> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
>> 'Because she can still drive!'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Three old guys are out walking.
>> First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
>> Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
>> Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
>> cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
>> 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is  it?'
>> 'Twelve thirty..'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
>> A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
>> a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
>> A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
>> really doing great, aren't you?'
>> Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and
>> be cheerful.''
>> The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
>> murmur; be careful.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> And One more..!
>>
>>
>> A little old man shuffled slowly into  an ice cream parlor and pulled
>> himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his
>> breath, he ordered a banana split.
>> The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
>> 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

All great!! But number 2 and the last one are my favorites.

 

And welcome back. I hope you are beginning to feel better. I keep you in prayer.

[DWARREN123]

On a roll today ain't you?  Have a good day.   :up:

[Wingshooter]

Haha. Those are great

[bigun]

Back on your game. :rofl:

[Rhodewarrior]

Funny, funny, got a good chuckle from the last one! :)

[Raoul]

Love it

[bersaguy]

Yea, been feeling better for last week or so and hoping I continue to move forward in a positive way. ......................... :up: :up:

[Dirtshooter]

Good ones, let me leave this one. 4 old retired guys were out driving and saw a sign for a pub so they stopped and went in. There was a sign over the bar ALL DRINKS 10 cents. So they all ordered a martini and the bartender said that will be 40 cents, well the martini's were great shaken and not stirred so they ordered another round. The bartender came back and said 40 cents gents. 1 of the guys said man how in the world do you stay in business selling drinks for 10 cents? The bartender said well about 3 years ago I won the lottery for 125 million I always wanted my own bar so I set the price for all drinks wine, beer, whiskey at 10 cents. Well there was about 7 or 8 people sitting at the other end of the bar but not a single glass in front of them and 1 of the guys says hey what is the deal with those folks not drinking? The bartender replied oh they are all from Florida and they are waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half priced plus they have coupons!!

[Randall53]

THANK YOU!!  I really enjoyed those!

[hipower]

Good ones, let me leave this one. 4 old retired guys were out driving and saw a sign for a pub so they stopped and went in. There was a sign over the bar ALL DRINKS 10 cents. So they all ordered a martini and the bartender said that will be 40 cents, well the martini's were great shaken and not stirred so they ordered another round. The bartender came back and said 40 cents gents. 1 of the guys said man how in the world do you stay in business selling drinks for 10 cents? The bartender said well about 3 years ago I won the lottery for 125 million I always wanted my own bar so I set the price for all drinks wine, beer, whiskey at 10 cents. Well there was about 7 or 8 people sitting at the other end of the bar but not a single glass in front of them and 1 of the guys says hey what is the deal with those folks not drinking? The bartender replied oh they are all from Florida and they are waiting for happy hour when the drinks are half priced plus they have coupons!!

 

Awesome. That's my kind of people....Cheap.

[bersaguy]

Awesome. That's my kind of people....Cheap.

You not cheap my friend. I would just consider your very very CONSERVATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl: :rofl:

[hipower]

You not cheap my friend. I would just consider your very very CONSERVATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! :rofl: :rofl:

Little do you know. Ask Steelharp. lol