A sea story

[Mark@Sea]

This story was related to me this morning, after a very long day and night of ops, so it is possible it isn't as funny as it struck me.

The difference between a fairy tale and and a sea story is that a fairy tale starts "Once upon a time", and a sea story starts "This is a no-*****ter". This one is of the second category.

I'm sitting in the tower with the HCO (Helo Control Officer), a contract civilian who is the air detachment CO. We were nearing the end of a long vertrep (vertical replenishment) exercise, waiting for the bird to return from a big flattop (aviation ship). The HCO starts telling me of the time one of the companys' birds was sent to a DDG to pick up a mental patient for transport to a flat-top. The crew chief aboard the helicopter asks the pilot in command what he should do if the passenger started to wig out in the air. The PIC thinks about it for a moment, and says "The guy will be wearing a cranial (an unusual sort of helmet), if he starts to freak, pop him in the head with the rubber mallet." The crew chief thinks about it a second, and asks the pilot "Are you *****ting me?" The pilot assures him that no, thats' the plan. Due to safety regs, and because they have nothing to do it with, the passenger cannot be restrained.

So they pick up the pax from the DDG (a destroyer) and are headed to the flattop when the kid grabs his face with both hands and starts screaming. The crew chief, standing behind him, looks forward to the pilot and lifts his mallet questioningly. The pilot, looking back at the noise, gives him an enthusiastic thumbs up. WHACK - the passenger goes tumbling, picks himself up, sits back down quietly. Ten minutes or so later, he again grabs his face with both hands and starts yelling. The crew chief looks forward again, and receives a firm headshake - WHACK. This goes on about three times before they land the bird on the large ship, and the crew chief escorts the passenger below in order to retrieve the company gear (cranial and flight vest).

When the crew chief returns, he has a terrible look on his face, and he is shaking his head. The pilot asks if all is well, and the crew chief says "Mike, Mike, when I got him below they asked why he was all beat to h3ll. I told them he started freaking out on the aircraft so I popped him with the mallet. They asked me why, I said "well, he's a mental patient, didn't want him going nuts on the bird." The doc shakes his head and says "No, son, not mental - dental." The passenger had a tooth so bad he was flown to the flat top for emergency surgery.

As with all good sea stories, this one had a moral - illustrating the importance of good communications - but we were losing it, thinking about the poor SOB with a toothache, who will probably NEVER get on a helicopter again if he can help it.

[Guest Verbal Kint]

[Mike.357]

On the brighter side, I am guessing the pop to the head with the mallet made the poor patient forget about his toothache for a while.

And I was hoping for a pirate story where the bg's got the business end of a 50 cal machine gun. Your story was probably more humorous.

[Guest Halfpint]

For some reason, I find that probably funnier than it actually is.

[Guest c_o_jones]

That was good.