off topic But should I mind my own business?

[none]

Long story short there is a family next door 4 children between ages of 9 and 14 three boys and a 9 year old girl. One of the younger boys and the 9 year old girl often come over and play with my son. The girl has a ger low self esteem and sometimes talks to my wife. Very smart girl very nice but all of them have been through a lot and are being raised by their grandfather and uncle whom are both in their 60's due to the death of their mother and incarceration of the spermdonor. The girl is totally lacking in a lot of things. The church often brings food etc. So I was wondering if it would hurt to purchase a few things for her and just leave them there when no one was around? We are not wealthy by any means but most certainly we could help. I don't want to insult anyone but having grown up a poor kid I kind of know what that feels like.

Thoughts?

[cz75b]

unless for some reason you dont get along with the grandfather or uncle why not talk to them?in a conversation you could offer a few things or something,or are you worried they might try and take advantage of your generosity?

[R1100R]

You need to follow your heart. There is always a way to do the right thing.

I live in Wilson and have a tall 10 year old girl. We have clothes if needed. Edited October 25, 2014 by R1100R

[ncomarc]

Be mindful not to offend the grandpa/uncle's pride and you should be O.K. Goodwill investment on the young now may help turn them into productive members of society, and the good your kids see you do will be a great lesson. Kudos good man.

[none]

unless for some reason you dont get along with the grandfather or uncle why not talk to them?in a conversation you could offer a few things or something,or are you worried they might try and take advantage of your generosity?

There is no concern that they may try to take advantage of our generosity. But when we moved in some were very happy and welcoming and others made it perfectly clear that we were not going to be friends or even remotely civil. I remember the word pig being used on several occasions by some. Unfortunately the grandfather wants nothing to do with me however he is civil to my wife. The uncle is just there trying to help as much as he can. I have talked to the uncle a few times he is always polite and civil but the grandfather not so much. So I keep to myself and fix the kids bikes next door when asked.


My wife did ask the the grandfather one day when he was out by himself getting the mail and was basically told that if she needs something he will decide if its really something she needs.
So that's kind of the dilemma. I know you cant fix everything nor should one try but that does not mean that you cant try to do something nice for a child. Edited October 25, 2014 by wcd

[Grand Torino]

Grandpa sounds like a dick.....prideful but a dick none the less. Maybe there's a third party go between you could talk to.....like a church pastor or mutual friend.

[runco]

From many personal experience, if the church already has a relationship of giving, you can funnel "stuff" through the church.  That way very few know, and you could be the eyes and ears for the church for other needs too. 

[none]

Grandpa sounds like a dick.....prideful but a dick none the less. Maybe there's a third party go between you could talk to.....like a church pastor or mutual friend.

Yeah that's putting it mildly. Unfortunately I get to see a lot of people at their worst and have too many times witnessed first hand the terrible thing's drugs often cause people to do and I am sure there are a lot of other factors at play. Perhaps we could ask our pastor to help? Not sure but where we are from pastors often knew pastors from other churches. Not sure if that's the case around here or not? None the less maybe a little prayer will get us an answer.

[Randall53]

From many personal experience, if the church already has a relationship of giving, you can funnel "stuff" through the church.  That way very few know, and you could be the eyes and ears for the church for other needs too. 

 

This gets my vote. I think this would be an excellent way for you to help and to ensure the things the church brings for the kids gets to the kids and your wife tactfully getting info on their needs that could be passed on to the church.

[btq96r]

I was in a similar situation as a kid.  The best thing you can do, IMO, is make the times they spend at your house, playing with your kids a great time.  I was pretty poor in my own house, but when I was hanging out at a friends house or my cousin's house, the parents always took a little extra care to make sure I was happy and enjoying myself.  I had some envy, but more so, it helped make me want to make something of myself and rise up from my conditions.  It proved that the best sermon is a good example.

 

Trying to do more could be seen as disrespectful by the kids guardians, even if it is with the best intentions from the way you describe them.  You might cause them to tell their kids to play with yours anymore, and then you're cut off from helping at all.

[bersaguy]

Most pastors now each other and often speak. I would try talking to the most local ones first and see if any of them are familiar with the family. Now give a little thought to the fact of are the adults receiving state aid for the children as they should be for each on? They should be receiving food EBT food sources and a welfare allowance for each child. The Welfare (child support) is suppose to be spent on the children and their well being such as clothes and other personal items. Being in Law Enforcement you should be able to check into their records and see what is being provided and then work from there on things they may need that is not being provided. ......................jmho

[hipower]

Some very, very good advice already given here, so all I'm doing is echoing it.

But the fact that you not only want to help, but are concerned about how you can and should help is most impressive. In the council of many, there is wisdom. Poorly quoted, but well intentioned.

I personally would go with the pastoral approach. In many cases, this has been more easily accepted than from an individual, especially from a known person or a neighbor.

Please let us know how this goes, and if a local church gets an inroad with the family; I for one would happily send a donation to help them.

[Dustbuster]

I heard a powerful sermon about 15 yrs ago by a guest pastor at a remote church. He talked about how his family was struggling,where one day the owner of the general store,backed his old pickup up to their porch and unloaded about 10 boxes of food and goods. The generous store owner never said a word, nor did he ask for anything ever. Other deeds came to the pastors family over time, where later in life the family members were able to voluntarily repatriate the good acts in various ways. The sermon was about faith but this one was one worth so much more.

I'd wait till their gone and dump the goods on the front step.

[Mike A]

In the interest of devil's advocate / another country heard from I would offer the following:

 

The OP I'm sure knows more about Gramps' back story than he's been able to offer up to this point.  At a minimum we know that he's in his 60s and raising the daughter of his incarcerated son or son-in-law and deceased daughter or daughter-in-law.  I'd be willing to bet that in doing so he's probably had a lot of interaction with likely well meaning but nevertheless meddlesome individuals many of whom were probably affiliated with governmental or semi-governmental agencies.  As the OP is law enforcement that could certainly add to Gramps' trepidation.  Lest I be misconstrued, I am in no way doubting the OPs intention or motivation merely trying to offer a possible explanation for Gramps' behavior.  I could be all wet on this and Gramps could just be a d-bag.

 

I think I'd try to cultivate a relationship of trust with Gramps.  Maybe in time he'll warm up to you and realize the nature of your intentions.  If not, I think you have to back off and make the time the children spend at your house as positive as possible unless and until you think the situation requires intervention from LE / DCS, etc.  I'm sure being in LE you know the consequences and ramifications of such involvement.

 

My $0.02.  

Edited October 26, 2014 by Mike A

[Sam1]

To throw another one out there, not sure if this or how it could work... but maybe gramps feels bad for not being able to provide.  Is there any way that you could talk to him and say that you'd like to help out, but you need some help on something in return and maybe he could do a little odds or ends thing for the stuff so he felt like he was the one providing?

 

It's a long shot but you never know.

 

Outside of that, I would do as Runco suggested.

[none]

[quote name="Mike A" post="1202661" timestamp="1414293525"]In the interest of devil's advocate / another country heard from I would offer the following:
 
The OP I'm sure knows more about Gramps' back story than he's been able to offer up to this point.  At a minimum we know that he's in his 60s and raising the daughter of his incarcerated son or son-in-law and deceased daughter or daughter-in-law.  I'd be willing to bet that in doing so he's probably had a lot of interaction with likely well meaning but nevertheless meddlesome individuals many of whom were probably affiliated with governmental or semi-governmental agencies.  As the OP is law enforcement that could certainly add to Gramps' trepidation.  Lest I be misconstrued, I am in no way doubting the OPs intention or motivation merely trying to offer a possible explanation for Gramps' behavior.  I could be all wet on this and Gramps could just be a d-bag.
 
I think I'd try to cultivate a relationship of trust with Gramps.  Maybe in time he'll warm up to you and realize the nature of your intentions.  If not, I think you have to back off and make the time the children spend at your house as positive as possible unless and until you think the situation requires intervention from LE / DCS, etc.  I'm sure being in LE you know the consequences and ramifications of such involvement.



Your correct there is a lot more in the background that is not going to be discussed. My wife rather thought that there should be some escalated intervention however sometimes such things carry unintended consequences. With that being said I think its best to let those that are already involved address the situation in that regards.

In the mean time I will just continue to fix a flat bicycle tire or play ball with them whatever.

The good news is that we spoke with the people down the road they are an older couple and have lived here all their lives and they actually know the pastor at gramps church and they are going to help. So all that is left is to do a little shopping and let the church include in it in the care package. The little girl wins gramps is none the wiser and its all good

[RED333]

Sometimes our hearts are just to big for our own good, all we get is hurt.

WCD, my hat is tipped to you Sir, sounds like you have got a hold on this.

Thank you for your service.

[A.J. Holst]

Here's a very easy and biblical solution. Since you have an idea of her basic needs, buy it and leave it on the porch when no is looking or have it delivered using the same address for the "sent from" pretty cheap using priority mail from the good old USPS.

Matthew 6.3 / 6.4 "don't let your left hand...and, give in secret.."

[peejman]

If they are getting stuff from their church, go see the church folks. Give them stuff to give to the family.

Edit... Further reading says you're already there. Good deal. Edited October 26, 2014 by peejman