Gun Control Satire

[Guest CrazyLincoln]

OK, this started out as a joke among friends, and I'm gonna run with this and see how creative you can get. Feel free to elaborate or add to my satire.

The Foundation to Reduce VICH

There is a situation in our country plaguing the masses, Vanilla Ice Cream Headache. This is a serious condition, and we have a solution.

First, lets look at the facts:

-Vanilla causes 83% of all ice cream headaches. More than Chocolate, Mint and Rocky Road Combined! (Mmmmmm...)

-Vanilla's pleasant odor is specifically designed to promote more agressive consumption promoting Ice Cream Headache.

-93% of those with Ice Cream abuse were recorded as using Vanilla ice cream.

-Statistically, children who live in homes with Vanilla Ice Cream are most likely to experience an ice cream headache at least once in their lives.

-While there is risk with any flavor ice cream, and we respect the right of Americans to enjoy ice cream, Vanilla's blandness has no place among the people when richer, less easy to consume, flavors exsist

How we are going to solve this problem:

We are currenly working with legislators to accomplish the following:

-Ban all Vanilla and Vanilla based Ice Creams, Especially the following specific flavors and copies based on these flavors:

-Ben & Jerry's Vanilla

-Bluebell Vanilla Ice Cream

-Breyers Vanilla

-Prohibit the follow Ice Cream features for non-vanilla flavors that promote increased consumption and Ice Cream Headache:

- Fat Free and Low Fat variations

- Ice Cream containers larger than one-half pint.

- Containers with an opening larger than 3", which allow for faster

scooping of Ice Cream.

-Finally, to protect the children, we request all Ice Cream containers have child-proof packaging.

Together with help, we can prevent ice cream headaches for a few idiots by restricting the rights of responsible citizens!

[Guest Phantom6]

I would submit that we should file

1.) a class action suit against such large national ice cream manufacturers as Baskin Robbins, Ben & Jerry's, BlueBell, Breyers, Eskimo Pie Corporation,

Howard Johnson, Sealtest, and others alleging thast they have full knowledge of the danger of Vanilla Ice Cream and it's causitory relation to VICH as well as other maladies such as UMLS (Uncontrolable Mustache Licking Syndrome), OCICE (pronounced Oss-Ice and an acronym for Obsessive, Compusive Ice Cream Eating and the ever costly and ever destructive "sister disease" known as Stain Stick Syndrome which is a lessining of the American family's cash reserves charicterized by the constant and persistant purchasing of Stain Sticks to remove Ice cream stains from the front of the shirt and pants.

2.) File a friend of the court brief in the case of Bessie v. State of California which as we all know was filed by a Wisconsin milk cow named Bessie against the state of California Department of Agriculture, Arnold Schwarzenegger, et aux. because of their advertising that California is the land of happy cows thereby leading one to surmise that a cow from any other state would conversly be a mad cow and therefore viewed as damaged goods by Icream manufacturers. This brief should be crafted in such a way as to support the state of California co-defendants and therefore create turmoil in the dairy industry in general in order to create upheaval in the Ice Cream industry in particular.

At the same time we should lean heavily on the little ice cream suppliers that are small, local market operators such as Old Meeting House Ice Cream and teetering on the brink. We should threaten a suit against them unless they agree to stop making vanilla ice cream and their other little headache causing products. They would be affraid of financial ruin. It may sound like extortion to some but I remind you that we do what we have to do to rule the masses.

[towerclimber37]

oh man.....

this is so retarded...but its So funny I almost woke Julie up laughing so hard.