So there I was....

[Guest coldblackwind]

As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that way nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial.38 Special in my ankle holster; just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled SubaruBRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

I pull up to the 7-11 store and notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV. A likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The storeowner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener. But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 9mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That’s when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT.... I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 9mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I just threw myself into telephone pole, but I landed on my right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman’s SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRATtactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to tase me. At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38. I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I laid it down, I still had my bayonet after all, attached to my ass. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zigzag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to hand now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw here merely carried a Glock 17, not a man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his Maglite. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but not hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.

[Guest canynracer]

LMFAO!!!!! that was hilarious!! well done.

[Guest Verbal Kint]

So you took one of Yeager's classes, huh?

[memphismason]

That is the funniest thing I have read all day!

[Guest m&pc9]

Thats great:rofl:

[ShaunM]

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener.

:hat:

[Guest Wilson1]

Thanks -LMAO too! Anticipating "chapter two" of this!

Mike

[Magiccarpetrides]

hahaha that was awesome.

[molonlabetn]

So that was YOU?!

[R1100R]

Well done! Well done!

[Guest Ghostrider]

I do love a happy ending.....

[Guest Grout]

I read something very similar to that somewhere before.Oh yeah,Ooda Loops are great with chocolate milk.

[Guest shortfri]

Ok if you don't have my holster, where is it.

Great story!!!!!

[Im Neero]

So you took one of Yeager's classes, huh?

Best. Response. Ever.

[bukowski548]

At which point I tactically soiled myself

Possibly the funniest line ever.

It's good to hear you've chosen the B.R.A.T.!

Battle

Ready

Armored

Transport

Personally I chose the Ford F.E.S.T.I.V.A.!

Fire

Every

Second

Toward

Incredibly

Violent

Assailants

buk

[Guest hustle]

I tried to read that aloud to my husband, and I could barely do it. That was freaking hilarious.

[strickj]

Eh,thats nothing with out some Chuck Norris' tactical socks

[Almond27]

lol good story

[Angus]

CONTACT!!

Good on ye dude

[Guest coldblackwind]

Yeah, my friend emailed me that a few years back, and lo and behold, it was buried in the dark, cobweb infested recesses of my inbox. I figured everyone would get a kick out of that story! No clue where it originated...

[ukerduker]

At which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions.

That was a great story. He could be up for an Oscar!!