Friday Funny

[Donnie]

A guy at work cooked chili for lunch today. It was really good chili and it reminded me of this story. Enjoy

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to

the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other

two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,

besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy smokes, what the heck is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

**********************! *******************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted

to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they

saw the look on my face.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in

the front part of my chest. I'm getting s---faced from all of the beer.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to

look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?

*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I

can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my hiney with a snow cone.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor

hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed

out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if

he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really

hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[Guest Hornet Handler]

OMG!! rofl

[saintsfanbrian]

That looks like the Bar-B-Que contest judges reports.

Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Bar-B-Que, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer, Beer

[Raoul]

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."

He continued, " Leo you change with Jerry....... Tony you change with Bert and Bob you change with Ed ."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.

[Kegger]

Just. Effing. Lost it..

I'm laughing and crying uncontrollably. EPIC!!!

[Guest BenderBendingRodriguez]

Is this a thread resurrection record? Probably not, but holy smokes nearly 4 years!

[hipower]

Laughing. Crying. Laughing so hard I'm losing my vision. That's Great!!!!

[SithL0rd]

Saw this a year or so back but its still EPIC I was in tears all over again.

[vontar]

Is this a thread resurrection record? Probably not, but holy smokes nearly 4 years!

For so few replies, probably.