General Mattis Crosses the Potomac

[Chucktshoes]

With 100,000 troops: President & Senate flee.


WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented turn in American history, retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, several years after being dismissed by the President and exiled to his estate in the countryside, marched on the national capitol early Tuesday morning with an army over one hundred thousand strong.
This number includes at least ten infantry legions, several aviation and artillery legions, and multiple cavalry cohorts.
“I come in peace, by myself, in order to hand-deliver a Memorandum of Concern to the Commander in Chief and the Senate,” said Mattis in a press conference. “I am moving on foot at a leisurely pace, with no ill will. If these American citizens choose to take a stroll with me, then who am I to turn down their companionship?”
The contents of the so-called memorandum are unknown, but are rumored by Mattis’ close advisors to contain paragraphs addressing unconstitutional acts by the administration and the Senate. Alarmed by the amassing of troops sympathetic to Mattis over the last week at Fort Myer, the Senate, the President, and various generals attempted to recall various combat divisions to Washington to defend the city.
These included the 101st Airborne, 82nd Airborne, 10th Mountain, and 3rd Infantry Divisions, in addition to the 2nd Marine Expeditionary Force.
“We even attempted to contact NAVSURFLANT and SUBLANT,” confided one Senate aide as he packed his Datsun to flee northward. “All we got was laughter and then static.”
The summoned units all either ignored their movement orders, or by the next morning had joined forces with Mattis’ ad-hoc command.
Mattis was apparently done waiting, and crossed the Potomac on landing craft, escorted by an honor guard from MARSOC. After setting fire to the National Archives and sabotaging key infrastructure, the cabinet and most members of the Senate fled north toward New York and Boston in cars, vans and whatever other vehicles they could commandeer.
The President has not been seen since early yesterday morning, but sources inside the State Department confirm that he is on a scheduled goodwill trip to Egypt, which was kept from the press for safety reasons. His travel schedule has not been released to pool reporters.


Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/12/general-mattis-crosses-potomac-100000-troops-president-senate-flee-city/#ixzz2oQbwBYl1 Edited December 24, 2013 by Chucktshoes

[enfield]

Those folks at duffleblog are counting more on the [s]goodwill[/s] restraint of Obama than I would.

Edited December 24, 2013 by enfield

[Good_Steward]

I love the DB. Best parts are the comments (every article) that take the satires as true reports. Good stuff.

 

By the way, General James Mattis is THE man. Best quote I have ever heard:

 

"I come in peace. I didn’t bring artillery. But I’m pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you f*** with me, I’ll kill you all."

 

OohRah, 

Edited December 24, 2013 by Good_Steward

[Good_Steward]

Another good one from the DB: http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/12/mikhail-kalashnikov-dead/

 

 

MOSCOW — Russia has announced funeral arrangements for Lt. Gen. Mikhail T. Kalashnikov, inventor of the AK-47 assault rifle.

“Comrade Kalashnikov will be buried in a pit of mud with full military honors,” said General-Major Saiga Molot, a spokesman for the Russian army. “After a week, we will exhume his body, clean it off, and put him back to work. We expect that there shall be no issue with his functions.”

Kalashnikov died of complications from a liver transplant operation. The liver Kalashnikov received was allegedly Romanian, but turned out to be a substandard Albanian version.

“It was a successful substitution, but it made him inaccurate and prone to blockage,” said his son, Victor. 

While praised for his simple operation and ruggedness, Kalashnikov is also being remembered for his contributions to over 300 insurgencies, 524 known terrorist groups and at least 18 hostile regime changes.

“We will always be grateful to General Kalashnikov for giving us the inspiration for Kevlar,” said DuPont President and CEO Ellen Kullman. 

An outpouring of support came from some unexpected areas, including Hollywood, which gave him a star on the walk of fame for his contribution to action films which “helped the audience identify the bad guys without further visual or audio cues” as well as the music industry.

“You can rhyme about a MAC-10 or Uzi, but they know you’re serious when you start pulling out that AK,” said rapper Banana Clip. “Think of what rhymes with 47 – heaven, um… Devon? 7-11? Yeah.”

Kalashnikov is survived by 21 major variants and 31 national operators in addition to several unknown and unidentified versions.

Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/12/mikhail-kalashnikov-dead/#ixzz2oRBq4RWG