This is how I spent my Saturday.

[Guest GUTTERbOY]

So my brother's '97 BMW 528 was in dire need of a new clutch. Hell, it was in dire need of a new clutch six months ago. But since he's strapped for cash, much like me, I offered to "save" him from paying a shop a grand or so to swap it, and instead have him get the parts and we'd do the swap in my garage. After all, I've done a clutch job before.

Allow me to present a timeline of the day. Most times are approximate, as all normal perception of time vanishes when you spend the day under a car.

9:00 AM: This was when my brother said he'd be over, I was suspicious, knowing his lack of skill at arising early.

10:00 AM: Brother calls. He's leaving the house, asks me what he should pick me up for breakfast on the way over.

10:30 AM: Arrival. Car put in garage. We retire upstairs to eat breakfast and take another look at the shop manual.

11:00 AM: Raising of the car begins. Fun ensues.

11:30 AM: Car is effectively raised, with only minor injuries to pride.

11:35 AM: I realize that those wily Germans have chosen to use male Torx-head bolts to attach tranny to engine. First trip to Autozone is executed.

12:15 PM: Triumphant return.

12:30 PM: Driveshaft is unbolted from tranny, but won't slide back far enough to clear this random pin sticking out of the tailshaft. Internet research initiated.

1:15 PM: Discovery is made: You have to detach the center driveshaft bearing to get enough slack to clear that damn pin. Alas, but this bearing is altogether hidden by the exhaust system, plus a heat shield.

2:30 PM: Exhaust system removed. Thanks, Bimmer, for making the entire damn thing a single piece from the manifolds to the tailpipe. (see end of post for a photo of this beast)

3:00 PM: Heat shield removed, driveshaft finally detached.

3:30 PM: How the &*(^#%)(*#Q%& are you supposed to disconnect this ^(%&* shifter?!?!?!

3:45 PM: Oh, that's how.

4:00 PM: I think we can start removing the eleven tranny-engine bolts now!

5:30 PM: Bolts finally removed. God, but were those top two a PITA. Attempts to roll the tranny rearward begin in earnest.

5:45 PM: OK, NOW WTF is the problem?

6:00 PM: F this, I'm hungry. Go order a pizza while I continue to suffer at the hands of the Krauts.

6:30 PM: Pizza arrives. Tranny has still not been successfully extracted. Time to remove the top layer of grime from the hands and eat.

7:15 PM: Done eating. Apparently pizza is good for problem-solving skills, as the tranny is finally successfully slid back and lowered out of the way.

7:30 PM: Old clutch removed.

7:45 PM: New clutch installed.

8:00 PM: First attempt to re-mate tranny with engine.

8:15 PM: Second attempt to mate tranny with engine.

9:00 PM: 456th attempt to mate tranny with engine.

9:30 PM: Covert mission into neighbor's lawn to recover flung wrench. (OK, I made this one up. The garage door was closed, so tool-tossing probably would have resulted in damages to the house. But it illustrates the spirit of the moment.)

10:00 PM: The decision is made to stop for the night and resume tomorrow.

This is the same thing that gave me the most trouble when I did the clutch in my truck. Dropping the tranny wasn't too bad, and it was pretty easy to slide back once I discovered two more bolts I'd missed. But getting that ****er back into place ate up many hours of my life. Hopefully, coming back at it with a clear head tomorrow will yield results.

The weirdest part is that, in some odd masochistic way, I actually enjoy doing stuff like this.

Oh, and as promised, the exhaust system. I have no idea who that ugly SOB in the photo is. He just appeared out of nowhere.

Edited August 31, 2008 by GUTTERbOY

[ShaunM]

Some people have all the fun . I would be like this and if my brother would have been there it would have ended like this . Good luck on Sunday!!!

[Guest Verbal Kint]

This is why I stopped buying BMW's.

[Guest GUTTERbOY]

The great thing about clutch jobs is that the actual removal and replacement of the clutch parts takes like 15 minutes. Problem is that there's so much crap you have to remove to get at the SOB.

Truth be told, this job hasn't gone any slower than my first clutch job, which was on my truck. That experience spanned the course of two days as well, with a pretty similar timetable to this. 'Course, I was learning along the way that time, whereas this time the main source of annoyance was the extra crap that had to be removed.

The other great thing about clutch jobs is their capacity to get you dirty. When we finally knocked off for the night, I was up in the bathtub scrubbing clear above my elbows with Go-Jo, sort of like a surgeon prepping for an appendectomy. And that black water that resulted when I got around to rinsing was truly impressive.

Edited August 31, 2008 by GUTTERbOY

[strickj]

Looks like you and that exhaust just propagated!

[Guest Abominable_Hillbilly]

Try early Isuzus. You have to rotate the bell housing about 45 degrees clockwise for the starter bell to clear the firewall.

I suggest suspending the tranny with motorcycle straps if you can find something to lash them to. Gives you a sense of security when trying to muscle it around. One fore, and one aft. It's easy to use the frame rails on a truck, but is might be hard to find lashing points on a unibody.

[Guest tnmale46]

ive done a few clutches in my time so a friend wanted a clutch in a bmw ok so i jack it up crawl under see how its all put together crawl out let car down call come get this damn thing i aint even gonna try lol

[Guest coldblackwind]

Generally, I hear the phrase, bmw, volkswagon, basically anything German, and decide I have someplace else to be.

[Guest GUTTERbOY]

I suggest suspending the tranny with motorcycle straps if you can find something to lash them to. Gives you a sense of security when trying to muscle it around. One fore, and one aft. It's easy to use the frame rails on a truck, but is might be hard to find lashing points on a unibody.

I think I'll stick with the transmission jack.

[xd shooter]

I feel your pain! I've been in quite a few nice prodjects like that myself,(helping the kin somehow always takes up he whole day) but i'm pruod to do it if I can.

You should try doing a clutch job in a Freightliner Century I've done countless clutch jobs but the Century tops the cake.

I do try to stay as far away from german manufacturing as much as possible.

[TGO David]

The joys of twisting wrenches!

We swapped suspension components on GT_Rat's Mustang yesterday and I am still amazed that (1.) no one got hurt as is usually required, (2.) we were done in record time, and (3.) it functioned perfectly after we put it back on the road.

Something catastrophic will go wrong with his car now.

[DaveTN]

You should have stayed with it and finished at about 2AM.

Now you are doomed to spend all day finishing it. You will finish up around midnight to 2AM. Sorry, that’s just how it goes.

[Guest SUNTZU]

You should have stayed with it and finished at about 2AM.

Now you are doomed to spend all day finishing it. You will finish up around midnight to 2AM. Sorry, that’s just how it goes.

+1 Unless the transmission fairies take pity on you.

[Guest Jason F.]

After dropping a car on myself years ago I no longer work under them. Now if I can not use a friends lift I just sell the car and buy another one. Just kidding... The last two clutch replacements I did I just pulled the engine and tranny as one unit and did the work on the floor. In both cases I found it easier to pull the entire drive train than pull the trans with the motor still in the car. In reality though there was also other work going on with those engines and transmissions that made pulling them more sensible.