This is an oldie but a goodie

[bersaguy]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived,with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a secone) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself againist a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant

A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, "no possible way"!!

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, "Don't do it stupid", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE ....!!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note-
If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Tazer one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor!!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
*The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
*My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
*My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
*I had no control over the drooling.
*Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
*I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 

[Ramjo]

I'd never read this. Died laughing.

[Guest TheDrip]

Another one thats been kicking around for years (2007 is the first reference I could find). Some not so family friendly language follows...

 

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Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "Fuck!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

[RED333]

My wife has one as well, now I did not "test" it, and now I wont.

Thanks for the "write up", but I do have to say

YOU A DUMB ASS. :rock: :rofl:

[blueghost]

Damn bro. That was freakin hilarious. Thanks for being the guinea pig. :D

Sent from my GSIII using TPR 3.17

[mav]

Very funny.  That seriously sounds like something I would have done in my younger days.  I will admit that some time back in my 20s, I was getting tired of long nose hair.  Instead of using a trimmer like most normal people, I did the absolute dumbest thing in my life.  I stuck a Bic lighter under my nose, lit it, and tired to inhale the flame.  Yeah, I got rid of the nose hair, but that was the worst pain I have experienced.  It instantaneously brought tears to my eyes, and spent the next few minutes trying to drown myself in the sink by trying to get cold water up my nose.

[hipower]

If I've ever thought about self-testing one of these...I sure won't now.

 

Sorry to laugh so much at the story...but it's just so funny.

[Fourtyfive]

Yup.