Golfer humor

[bubbiesdad]

 On a golf tour in Ireland, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes into a Petrol Station in a remote part
of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware
of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin to yer, sir," says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those," asks the attendant,"

They're called tees," replies Phil.

"Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Phil.

"Jaysus," says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

 

[peejman]

Ha!

[Timestepper]

Can't help but remember the time my ex brother-in-law went golfing and broke his leg when he fell off the ball washer... :shake:

[Oh Shoot]

Scottish golf humor:

 

Rich fat American duffer is playing St. Andrews, with stoic local Scot caddy.

 

Guy hasn't hit a decent shot the whole round, curses loudly and profusely after every shot, blames poor course condition, everything but his lack of skill. Caddy  just quietly hands him appropriate club for next shot, little to say.

 

Finally on 18, guy tops his tee shot into the Swilcan Burn (creek). Goes ballistic, says, "I'm so gdamn mad I'm gonna jump into that gdam creek and drown my gdam self! What do you think of that?"

 

Caddy says, "Sir, I dinna think ye could keep ye head down long enough to do it!"

 

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English golf humor:

 

Two fellows on the 18th fairway hitting long approach shots, club house is about 50 yards past the green. One deliberates a long time, partner finally says, " What's the problem?"

 

Fellow says, "My wife is standing on the balcony of the clubhouse, and I'm nervous because I really want to hit a great shot for her."

 

Partner says, "Come now old boy, you can't really expect to hit her from this distance!"

 

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- OS

Edited September 7, 2013 by Oh Shoot

[RED333]

Good stuff guys, thanks for the laughs!

[Timestepper]

American golf humor:

 

Hank and his buddy Bill were playing a round of golf and were constantly slowed by having to wait on a couple of women playing ahead of them. Finally Hank says, "Man, this is taking too long! I'm gonna' walk up there and ask if we can play through."

 

Taking off, he gets about half way to the women, stops and takes a long look then comes back to where Bill is waiting. "Geez, what crappy luck!" he says. "I can't go up there - one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

 

Bill agrees to go instead and takes off. Reaching the half way point, suddenly he too stops and takes a long look then turns around and heads back. Getting back to his friend, he shrugs and says sheepishly, "Sure is a small world, Hank..."

[Oh Shoot]

American golf humor:

 

Hank and his buddy Bill were playing a round of golf and were constantly slowed by having to wait on a couple of women playing ahead of them. Finally Hank says, "Man, this is taking too long! I'm gonna' walk up there and ask if we can play through."

 

Taking off, he gets about half way to the women, stops and takes a long look then comes back to where Bill is waiting. "Geez, what crappy luck!" he says. "I can't go up there - one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress!"

 

Bill agrees to go instead and takes off. Reaching the half way point, suddenly he too stops and takes a long look then turns around and heads back. Getting back to his friend, he shrugs and says sheepishly, "Sure is a small world, Hank..."

 

See, that's not really a golf joke, just happens to be the setting, it's really a "wife" or "sex" joke.

 

Here's are two oft told "wife" jokes that are actually  "golf" jokes:

 

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Sam is playing the first par 5 at his home course with his wife, hits a nasty slice right behind a small barn previously used as equipment shed.

 

He's about to take a drop for unplayable lie when wife Doris suggests that if they opened the back door on the barn, he might could hit recovery shot right through it. She holds open the door, guy skulls low screamer catching her right in the temple, killing her instantly.

 

Five years later, guy does the same exact thing again playing with old family friend. Not thinking of the past, his buddy suggests the same tactic, opening the barn door. Seeing the pained look on Sam's face, he remembers, and says, "Oh Sam, I'm so sorry to bring up painful memories".

 

Sam says, "Yeah, I think I'll just take a drop -- last time I tried that I took a damn 9 here!"

 

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Guy playing long par 5 with his wife, she's been pokey the whole round, in frustration to save time he has her walk forward to ladies tee while he's teeing off,  but he hits low slicing screamer, hitting her on back of head, killing her instantly.

 

Coroner, later in the day: "Sir, it's obvious that the blow to the back of her head was cause for death, but we also found another golf ball lodged in her anus, how do you explain that?"

 

Husband: "Oh, that was just my mulligan".

 

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- OS

Edited September 9, 2013 by Oh Shoot

[Timestepper]

See, that's not really a golf joke, just happens to be the setting, it's really a "wife" or "sex" joke.

 

- OS

Fair enough. Try this:

 

OS Some guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

 

He tees up the titleist and takes a practice swing.

 

The voice says, "On second thought, hit a range ball."

[Oh Shoot]

Fair enough. Try this:

 

OS Some guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, "Hit the new Titleist Pro V."

 

He tees up the titleist and takes a practice swing.

 

The voice says, "On second thought, hit a range ball."

 

Better. :)

 

Speaking of the Big Guy, take The Merry Mex's advise and carry a one iron in your bag so you can pull it out if lightening is anywhere near, since even God can't hit a one iron! 

 

 

- OS

[DaveS]

Real Life Golf humor. Right before I went into the army, I had me a security job. Well, I had to work the "World Series of Golf" at the Firestone Country Club in Akron Ohio. I was assigned the Clubhouse/locker room area. I had this fellow approach me wanting access to the locker rooms. I denied him access. He repeated to me that he was "J.C. Snead", and had forgotten his ID card at the Motel. I said I don't care who you are (and I did not know him) no ID, no access! I held up the golf classic and got "layed off" the next day because I did not let J.C. Snead into the locker room!

 

DaveS

[Oh Shoot]

Real Life Golf humor.....

 

Here's another.

 

Was fortunate enough to go to the '91 Masters, on final round Sunday no less.

 

Was standing behind green on the par 3 sixth for a long time before I started following groups in, Fuzzy Zoeller hits long and ball hits little girl, not hard or anything. As most pros do, Fuzz inquires if it hit anybody, anybody hurt, little girl says "it hit me on the leg". Following tradition, he gets a couple of balls, signs them and gives one to the little girl and one to her dad.

 

Some groups later, Jay Don Blake hits about same shot, gently hits another guy, same drill, he gives the guy a ball, just one though.  Guy's young son says loudly, "Fuzzy Zoeller" hit somebody and he gave them TWO balls!"

 

Blake laughed and says also fairly loudly, "Well, never let it be said that Frank Urban Zoeller Junior was more generous than Jay Don Blake !" And gets a couple more balls from the caddy and presents them.

 

Something about his using Fuzzy's formal full name really engrained that in my mind.

 

- OS

Edited September 9, 2013 by Oh Shoot

[monkeylizard]

It would have been funny if Fuzzy had said "yeah, but one of my signatures on eBay is worth two of his."

[Oh Shoot]

It would have been funny if Fuzzy had said "yeah, but one of my signatures on eBay is worth two of his."

 

Actually, now that I think about it, it was the other way around, Jay Don made the comment, Fuzzy was the first through, revising story.  You must give me a pass for it being so long ago and also senioritis. Plus it sounds more like a Fuzzy comment.  :)

 

"When the legend becomes fact, print the legend."

 

- OS

Edited September 9, 2013 by Oh Shoot

[KahrMan]

A lady goes into the club house and tells the pro that she got stung between the first and second hole.  He says, sounds like your stance is to wide...

[rugerla1]

A lady goes into the club house and tells the pro that she got stung between the first and second hole.  He says, sounds like your stance is to wide...

:rofl: I think I know her!

Edited September 10, 2013 by rugerla1