Serious Dilemma On My Hands

[TripleDigitRide]

First of all, let me preface my comments by saying that I used to be a licensed professional counselor specializing in child and family therapy. I worked at three different residential facilities treating troubled kids, and I also headed up an outpatient program for the same. I have seen the worst family dynamics and heard the most horrible stories that you can possibly imagine.

That being said, one thing that I had to learn early on in my career is that you can not FORCE a child to give up on his or her parent. No matter how big a scumbag Mom or Dad is, the child will still crave his or her attention and approval. Even if the child berates the parent him/herself, he/she is likely to turn on anyone else who joins in. While you would certainly be well within your rights (and I imagine the court would agree) to restrict your daughter's visitation with her mother, you will need to prepare yourself for the potential consequences of doing so. In a worst-case scenario, your daughter could displace all of her anger and resentment onto you, thus making you "the bad guy" and preventing her from confronting the real source of her angst (Mom). As a father myself, I can appreciate your desire to shield your daughter from any and all pain. However, there are some unpleasant things in life that we all DO need to experience, as this is how we learn and grow.

In the end, you must choose the course of action that's best for your daughter, and only you can decide what that actually is. In the meantime, be prepared to listen, choose your words carefully, withhold judgment, and (here's the hardest part) avoid giving advice or telling your daughter how she SHOULD feel. I applaud your willingness to seek counsel for you both. This is a sign of true strength, and not weakness. Best of luck to both of you.

Today, I spoke with some Mental Health experts in the Sumner County area. They plan on setting us up with someone who they think would be best suited for our needs. I expect to hear back from them in a few days. I'm confident this will help us get headed in the right direction.

Edited July 9, 2008 by TripleDigitRide

[Guest db99wj]

Good deal and best of luck.

[TripleDigitRide]

I'd like to thank everyone for the concern and advice. It really helps.

Thank you!

[Guest clownsdd]

Triple, I am sorry if this has been said, I did not take the time to read all the posts.

You need a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to help you thru this.

Yes, your daughter needs to "know" her mom, but this has more to do with what is right and best for her.

Good luck and may your God Bless.

[TripleDigitRide]

Triple, I am sorry if this has been said, I did not take the time to read all the posts.

You need a lawyer IMMEDIATELY to help you thru this.

Yes, your daughter needs to "know" her mom, but this has more to do with what is right and best for her.

Good luck and may your God Bless.

I checked into a lawyer, but they want such a huge retainer fee. So far, she hasn't given me any trouble. She's shown very (almost none) little interest in my daughter in the last 2 years, and with any luck, things will stay that way. If I even begin to sense her getting the slightest bit froggy, I'll have no choice.

Fact is, she has NO money. If she were to fight, her family would have to foot the bill. Lucky for me, she has only one family member who has the funds, and I'm not all that confident that she would help. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[Guest Angel 24/7]

Good Luck!

[TripleDigitRide]

Good Luck!

Thank You!

I've thought about it, and I decided I'm going to buy her a little pink .22.

She's never been shooting, but I think she would enjoy it. This would give us something to do, together, that both could really enjoy. I know I would really enjoy it, but I'll have to see her reaction. She has shown interest in my guns, but never enough to ask for her own. I'll just surprise her with it.

[Guest TheBulldog]

Mom is a flake, when your daughter is OLDER and WISER she will see this for herself.

Don't sweat it and ABOVE ALL, do not violate the court ordered parenting plan you have been issued by the state.

[TripleDigitRide]

Mom is a flake, when your daughter is OLDER and WISER she will see this for herself.

Don't sweat it and ABOVE ALL, do not violate the court ordered parenting plan you have been issued by the state.

I don't recall a "parenting plan".

[Guest TheBulldog]

Wow, every custody agreement in TN has one.

Check your paperwork because it is part of the custody orders.

[Guest clownsdd]

Here are a couple of sights to take a look at for help with a lawyer and advice.

good luck

http://www.dadsrights.org/

http://www.fatherscustody.org/

http://www.acfc.org/site/PageServer?pagename=Homepage_Member_Signup

[TripleDigitRide]

Wow, every custody agreement in TN has one.

Check your paperwork because it is part of the custody orders.

Mine was actually quite simple. She signed 100% custody over to me. She has no visitation, nothing. The only further step would be for her to sign all parental rights to me. That would be nice.

I'll double check, but I don't think there is any mention of a parenting plan. Could you go into a bit more detail?

[TripleDigitRide]

Here are a couple of sights to take a look at for help with a lawyer and advice.

good luck

http://www.dadsrights.org/

http://www.fatherscustody.org/

http://www.acfc.org/site/PageServer?pagename=Homepage_Member_Signup

Thank you. I'll check into those.

[nightrunner]

if im not completely mistaken, i think there is a law somewhere that says if a parent doesnt see their child for a certain period of time that they automatically forfeit all parental rights.

[dralarms]

if im not completely mistaken, i think there is a law somewhere that says if a parent doesnt see their child for a certain period of time that they automatically forfeit all parental rights.

Maybe but they will still get you for child support.

[Guest canynracer]

TDR, I am sorry to hear about this. I was in the EXACT same position as you. Single dad of TWO daughters, same mom...

I allowed supervised 30-60min visits, and phone convo... Every time i spoke to the mother it was a bad, very bad argument.

I gave an ultimatum....clean up, and submit to a drug test prior, I will allow a day at the park, otherwise supervised visits at the park, or at a neutral parties house, and if it got worse, she will get nothing. I explained that it has nothing to do with her, or me, but everything with keeping solid happy mempories in our daughters minds.

I didnt bother with the child support. I know it hurts, but I spoke with my kids, I told them that mom loved them very much, but had some issues she had to work out before I would allow them to go with mom unsupervised. I did not tell them about hte drugs because kids will talk to the mother, the last thing you will wamt is an argument between you and mom to go through the kids...

Eventually, she will hit rock bottom, she will have to make decisions, hopefully one of the decisions will be to clean up for her daughter.

Good luck, and god bless.

[Guest Jason F.]

I will add one opinion from the perspective of your daughter. I was slightly younger but my Mothers first husband (I do not call him my Father) was a drug addict, womanizer, and abusive alcoholic. My Mother gained separation from him when I was about 5. A divorce soon followed that but he remained a constant problem for a couple years. I was just old enough to understand what was going on but just barely.

My Mother moved several states away and began to make a new life her college sweetheart. She remarried when I was 7 years old. I had two visits with her Ex after that point. Neither visit was very good and I was exposed to some things I should not have been at that age. While I was accepting of it because he was technically my Father even at age 7 I knew he was not "normal" and his behavior was not the correct behavior of a parent or an adult.

My Mother discontinued all visits after that point, there were one or two phone conversations I remember but no other contact. It was clear to me why I no longer had contact with him. I understood it and was accepting of it. My Mother did sit me down at times and talk about the issues and the situation. She at one point gave me to choice to continue contact with him or not if it was safe. I was fine with no future contact and was already developing bonds with my stepfather. He was a real parent, he acted like what I at 8 or 9 years old believed a parent to be. There were definite adjustments to be made and things were not always sunshine and rainbows with my Stepfather but he is and will always be who I Dad.

I never missed my supposed Father after he was gone. I learned many years later that he stopped attempting to contact me because he was in prison on drug charges. To be honest I did not find that surprising because with my memories of him that seemed pretty appropriate. I did not blame my Mom for taking him away from me, I also did not blame her in any way for the break up of the family. I actually thank her for having the courage to get away from him and protect me from him. I am a better person because she did so and talked with me about it. I lived a far better life because she made the right decisions.

I say make the choice, even though it is tough, to get some seperation between your daughter and her mother. Talk to her about it and make sure she understands what is going on. I think she will understand. If possible let her make some of the decisions regarding contact with her mother if it puts her at no risk. I think she will be better for it and I bet your relationship with your daughter will be better for it.

On a "rest of the story" note prior to getting married I chose to change my last name and take my Stepfathers name as I consider him my Father. For various reasons we were not able to have him adopt me when I was young so I chose to do it as an adult. I was able to keep it a secret from everyone (other than my future wife) and announce at my rehearsal dinner surrounded by family that I had taken his name and would be married the next day with his last name. If you want to see a 23+ year Military Veteran, former highschool and college lineman, and general tough guy cry announce something like that on the eve of a major family moment.

[Guest Hyaloid]

/snip

On a "rest of the story" note prior to getting married I chose to change my last name and take my Stepfathers name as I consider him my Father. For various reasons we were not able to have him adopt me when I was young so I chose to do it as an adult. I was able to keep it a secret from everyone (other than my future wife) and announce at my rehearsal dinner surrounded by family that I had taken his name and would be married the next day with his last name. If you want to see a 23+ year Military Veteran, former highschool and college lineman, and general tough guy cry announce something like that on the eve of a major family moment.

Great ending... hell, you almost had me teary eyed... but I am a wuss, so it's no great surprise.

[dralarms]

On a "rest of the story" note prior to getting married I chose to change my last name and take my Stepfathers name as I consider him my Father. For various reasons we were not able to have him adopt me when I was young so I chose to do it as an adult. I was able to keep it a secret from everyone (other than my future wife) and announce at my rehearsal dinner surrounded by family that I had taken his name and would be married the next day with his last name. If you want to see a 23+ year Military Veteran, former highschool and college lineman, and general tough guy cry announce something like that on the eve of a major family moment.

I saw that and thought about my son,(well step son but I don't call him that) I was never able to adopt them while they were growing up, they didn't have contact with their sperm donor (sorry gotta tell it like it is), and he has been my son since he was about 6, well many years passed he got married, he is disabled (he has CP but never let it slow him down), and he helps me out at work. One day he calls me in a fit of rage wanting to "take the day off" I said well ok, I figured he was having trouble out of his 1st wife.

He came to work late that afternoon, pulle dhis mother aside and told her he had gone down and changed his name to mine. I sure am proud of my children (both him and his sister) and that almost had me in tears of joy that day.

[Mike.357]

Canyn nailed it!!

I did not know that about you Joel. Good for you in the way you handled it all

[Guest slothful1]

I realize I'm coming to this thread a litle late... Wow, for the first couple of paragraphs I was afraid you were now facing some kind of difficult legal situation, like a new custody fight, but this?

The issue I'm struggling with is, should I allow my daughter to have any contact with her mother?

Uh, NO. I see zero benefit to such a relationship, and a multitude of negatives. Easy question.

[Mike.357]

Jason i had not read your post earlier.

Your story reminds me of the situation my step kids were in at the same age as you.

Very moving story. Though my step kids ( hate that term, they are MY kids) never call me Dad, both my daughters kids have my name in theirs somewhere and my sons first born has my name as his. And being Grandpa is the best!

you are blessed dude

[Guest Angel 24/7]

Great ending... hell, you almost had me teary eyed... but I am a wuss, so it's no great surprise.

He**, I did cry... I feel very sorry for any child that has to go through the thought that a parent did not want them.

I feel sorry for a parent that has to do this hard job on their on!

[clipslinger]

My doner(lol) went to prison while I was very young. As I grew older my mother was very supportive when I asked questions and when at the age of fourteen wanted to see him she readily complied, he was still locked up. She never talked badly of him, but was always honest and never was i allowed to see him unsupervised. After or should I say between prison stints we would meet at a nuetral place where he and I could talk and she watched from a distance. As i grew i found him to be a liar and generally dispicable person and chose for myself to cease contact. IMHO if you try to separate them all of the way ,until the child gains some wisdom it will be a sore point between you and your girl. My mom handled things in a way that allowed me to see for myself and then come to make my own judgement. I feel your pain man and my prayers go out to you and yours for peace and wisdom. Not to preach but if it hadnt been for a loving god and strong mother i wonder if id of followed that path.