Dying Man's Last Words

[waynesan]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Struggling to speak he said, "give me one last request."

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Guest G23FM]

Reminds me a joke my dad told me once...

Why do men die before there wives....

Because they want to.

[piercedan]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

"Struggling to speak he said, "give me one last request."

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Sidinman]

[krunchnik]

Thats just funny right there

[DaveS]

Not derailing the thread, let's tell some jokes here....

One day this fellow was out fishing in a boat and was approached by the game warden....

Game Warden: That's an aweful lot of fish in that bucket Sir...

Fisherman: Oh those, those are pet fish..

Game Warden: Pet fish huh?

Fisherman: Yes Sir...every day I bring them out here for a swim. I turn them loose to swim and then I ring a bell to call them back.

Game Warden: You can't be serious Sir. Plus that's way over your limit...

Fisherman: Here, I'll show you..

The fisherman dumps the bucket of fish into the lake and they swim off.

Fisherman: There, see?

Game Warden: OK, call them back..

Fisherman: Call what back?

Game Warden: The fish..

Fisherman: What fish?

Dave S

Edited September 18, 2012 by DaveS

[Caster]

Okay, this is a Tim Wilson skit but it's one of my absolute favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW8dWpq83qU

[DaveS]

Okay, this is a Tim Wilson skit but it's one of my absolute favorites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UW8dWpq83qU

That was pretty funny!

Dave S

[gjohnsoniv]

Not derailing the thread, let's tell some jokes here....

One day this fellow was out fishing in a boat and was approached by the game warden....

Game Warden: That's an aweful lot of fish in that bucket Sir...

Fisherman: Oh those, those are pet fish..

Game Warden: Pet fish huh?

Fisherman: Yes Sir...every day I bring them out here for a swim. I turn them loose to swim and then I ring a bell to call them back.

Game Warden: You can't be serious Sir. Plus that's way over you limit...

Fisherman: Here, I'll show you..

The fisherman dumps the bucket of fish into the lake and they swim off.

Fisherman: There, see?

Game Warden: OK, call them back..

Fisherman: Call what back?

Game Warden: The fish..

Fisherman: What fish?

Dave S

Now that is funny.

Well while we're at it, here is a video in which you can see what is going to happen.

http://cheezburger.com/6555192064

Edited September 17, 2012 by gjohnsoniv

[JAB]

The first post made me think of a joke I read on another forum...

In the days of the horse and buggy, a fellah notices an odd procession going down the road in front of his house. At the front of the procession is a funeral buggy. Behind that is another, identical funeral buggy. Behind the second buggy a man is walking a dog. Behind the man with the dog there are fifty more men walking, single file and every once in a while there is a bit of pushing, shoving and what appears to be jostling for position among those men. Well, the strangeness of the procession is more than the observer can stand so he walks up to the man with the dog and asks about the deceased.

Man with dog: "Well, that first buggy is carrying the body of my wife to her final resting place."

Stranger: "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. You appear to be a fairly young man. I hope I am not being too intrusive in asking what happened to her."

Man: "She threatened to hit me with a rolling pin and my good, old faithful dog here killed her thinking he was protecting me."

Stranger: "Really? And what about the second buggy?"

Man: "That's my mother in law. She kicked the dog and tried to stop it from killing my wife. The dog killed her, too."

Stranger: "Wow. Say, can I borrow that dog?"

Man, indicating the line of men walking behind him: "Sure, but you'll have to get in line."

Edited September 17, 2012 by JAB

[vontar]

Well, since this is now a joke thread.

Dying Irishman

An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, "I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live."

Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor`s office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting.

Darren, "Well, son. We Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don`t go so well. In this case, things aren`t so well. I have cancer, and I`ve been given a short time to live. Let`s head for the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Darren old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Darren told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

Darren told his friends, "I`ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Darren their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Darren`s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.

"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer! You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Darren said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don`t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I`m gone."

[Links2k]

All of those jokes are very funny.

[waynesan]

Maybe this is turning into the official "Joke Thread." Some good ones so far. Here is another one I got last week:

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and

toast for breakfast, Wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,

"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or This is going

to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then

Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt

still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[deadeye111]

Lotto Ticket

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. " Where did you get that coat? " her husband asks. She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of he winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home driving a flaming red Ferrrari.

You guess it: Her share of the winnings......

That night, she asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath drain.

"Whats this?" she asks her husband.

Well, "he replies, We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we."

Edited September 19, 2012 by deadeye111

[Links2k]

Lotto Ticket

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks. Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. " Where did you get that coat? " her husband asks. She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of he winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home driving a flaming red Ferrrari.

You guess it: Her share of the winnings......

That night, she asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath drain.

"Whats this?" she asks her husband.

Well, "he replies, We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we."

Winner!

[TMF]

Theory vs. Reality (an old one, but certainly relevant in any time):

A young boy needs help with his grade school paper so he decides to ask his father. "Daddy, I have to do a paper on the difference between theory and reality. Can you help me?"

The father responds, "Well son, do you know what those words mean?"

"Yes, but I could use an example."

The father thinks for a minute then tells his son to run upstairs and ask his sister if she would sleep with a complete stranger for 1 million dollars.

The kid goes upstairs and comes running back down, "Daddy, daddy, she said she would!"

The father then tells the kid to go into the kitchen and ask his mother if she would sleep with a complete stranger for a million dollars.

The kid goes to the kitchen and comes back, "Daddy, daddy, she said she would too!"

The father says, "There you go son. Theoretically we are sitting on 2 million bucks but in reality we're living with a couple of whores."

[sigmtnman]

more of a proof than a joke but relevant none the less...

[Clod Stomper]

more of a proof than a joke but relevant none the less...

You really can't argue with math.