Ok, so What's the Dumbest or Funniest Thing You've Ever Done While Hunting or Fishing?

[Ramjo]

Wanted desperately to laugh at this, but then I remembered last summer when my lovely wife dropped me off in the canoe to do a 15 mile float on the Clinch and I realized that I'd forgotten the &(^$%##&*!!! canoe paddles. (Ended up cutting a 12' sapling and using it to "pole" down the river - not as hard as it sounds.)

OMG. HAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!! How many more of these do you have up your sleeve that you are withholding?

[Timestepper]

More than you have time to read. But then again, I like making people laugh and I've always made a point of laughing at myself while learning from my mistakes - even done some stupid stuff deliberately because I thought there had to be a better or simpler way and I knew I wouldn't discover it unless I was forced to learn from necessity. Afterwards, I'm smarter and have another funny story to tell.

This isn't the survival forum, but did you know that it's possible to go "camping" for a week with almost ZERO supplies and live like a King? Two things people (especially women) invariably respond to are hard luck stories and humor - and if you can combine the two, they'll feed you, share their alcohol and give you a comfortable place to sleep. (I won't mention how I discovered this except to say that by the time I dug my backpack out of my buddy's trunk 6 days and 60 miles from where he'd dropped me off, I was no longer mad enough to kill him.)

You can either cry your way through adversity or laugh your way through it. As for me, I'll take laughter any day...

Edited to add: I will readily admit to having been a pretty dumb sumb!tch at times, BUT - in the words of my best friend - "He may be a dumb sum!tch, but he's the smartest, funniest dumb sumb!tch I've ever known... and it didn't cost him nothin' but his pride!"

Edited May 11, 2012 by Timestepper

[Timestepper]

Just for Ramjo: One last "confession." This one actually appeared in Muzzle Blasts magazine a few years back...

“Coyote Hillâ€

(Or, “Wumwuf slides again!â€)

© Don McCrary 1998

Ok! For those of you who’ve been asking for it., here it is! The sad but true story of “Coyote Hill†or, as one smart-ass put it, “Wumwuf Slides Again!†It’s not a terribly long story, but it IS (or WAS) slightly embarrassing. I will apologize in advance, if it’s somewhat anti-climatic.

About #$%@* years ago, I had the opportunity to get in on a week long “Survival Outingâ€, real live Mountain Man stuff. Nothin’ to eat but what you shoot or catch or gather. This was in October of 19*#. Still fairly warm, but pretty cool at night.

My regular outfit back then was moccasins, breechcloth and legging’s. I almost never wore a shirt. I carried my rifle and shooting bag everywhere I went. My camp name or buckskinnin’ handle back then was “White Man who falls on Ass†although most called me wumwufoa, which is the phonetic pronunciation of the acronym. (W.M.W.F.O.A.) Or just Wumwuf for short.

All in all, there were about 12 or 13 of us on this particular outing and things were really looking positive. We were camped in a primitive area, several miles from the nearest road with a couple of lean tos’ for shelter. We had a high of 75 degrees on the Thursday we started. And we had our guns and plenty of powder and lead. Unfortunately, that’s as far as the positive part went...

On Thursday night, it started raining. When we crawled out from under our blankets Friday morning there was 8 inches of fresh snow on the ground. But, hey! We were roughin’ it like the Mountain Men, and for the most part, we were in good shape! Especially, after I borrowed a buckskin shirt so my “stipples wouldn’t nick out.â€

Anyway, we were having a great time except that no one could find anything to kill! I guess the snow storm had run all the critters back into their holes. And being as how it was a wet snow, it didn’t take much time to get soaked to the skin. So we spent a lot of time hunkered around the fire talking about how nice it would be not to have to spend all our time hunkering around the fire. And boy, wouldn’t it be nice if a big ol’ 12 course meal would wander into camp just looking for someone to eat it!

It snowed another 4 inches on Saturday and we decided that maybe we oughtta’ start gettin’ serious about finding something to kill, before Fat Jenkins started getting REAL hungry. Besides being an eating machine, “Fat†was also one of the best stalkers I’ve ever known. He was 5’6†tall, nearly that wide, and could move like a ghost. He was phenomenal!

Anyway, Sunday morning we split into 3 groups of 4 with one man left in camp to tend the fire and hog tie any stray 12 course meals that happened to wander by. We hunted pretty much all day long and finally managed to take 8 or 9 rabbits. The man we left in camp said he didn’t see so much as an after dinner mint, let alone a 12 course banquet – We accused him of sleeping on the job...

After an unfortunately light meal, supplemented with judicious applications of Taos Lightning and Grumpy’s “Moon Juiceâ€, we turned in under the light of a nearly full moon. Since my leggings and borrowed shirt had become soaked, I took them off and hung them over a bush at the edge of camp, then crawled between my blankets with my rifle and shooting bag close to hand. (Like a REAL Mountain Man!)

About 4 O’clock the next morning, I awoke to the sound of laughter. When I roused up and asked what the hell was going on, a guy we called Stinky pointed at a coyote running up the side of the steep hill to the west. I looked and sure as heck, it WAS funny to watch! Every few steps the poor critter would stumble like he was getting tangled up in something, and slide back down the hill a few feet.

All of us were up by then, laughing like fools at the misfortune of that poor, dumb beast. Then I happened to glance at the bush where I’d left my legging’s... Then I looked back at the coyote... Then back at the bush – GIMME BACK MY LEGGINS, YOU SON OF A B!TCH!!!!

Well, I grabbed my rifle and took off on a dead run. Behind me I could hear someone hollering “Get ‘im, Wumwuf, sic ‘im boy!†And raucous peels of laughter.

The temperature had dropped during the night and what had been WET snow was now DRY ice. After falling twice, I discarded my rifle, considering it to be an impediment to my progress. (Not to mention that it hurt like hell when I landed on it!) Having lost sight of the coyote, I had no idea that he had dropped my leggins and headed for parts unknown.

The guys in camp were still hollering things like “Sic ‘em, Wumwuf!†And “Yer a gainin’ on ‘im now, hoss!†in between snorts of laughter.

I was roughly half way up the hill (about 250 feet) when I slipped for the third and last time. All I really remember is my feet going up in the air and blurry scenery. Needless to say, I came back to camp considerably faster than I left it... (Luckily, my breechcloth caught on a snag on the way back down and slowed my progress enough that I didn’t slide completely through camp.)

I don’t remember who finally fetched my leggings for me, but I do seem to recall that it was a couple of days before I could stand to wear ‘em again. (Riding bare skin down an ice covered hill at velocities approaching the speed of light has a tendency to “tenderize†otherwise toughened parts.) The bright spot was that I shot a nice doe while lying on my blankets in camp later that morning while everyone else was out hunting. (I guess all the howls and laughter had made her curious.)

All in all, our “survival outing†was a success, although for some reason we never tried it again. The snow had melted almost completely by the time we hiked out, and except for the psychological ones, I have no permanent scars.

Now, after nearly thirty years, I still (as you might imagine) have yet to live this episode down. Although the fact that I don’t hang around with any of those guys any longer makes the memory easier to live with.

And, oh yes, someone did have the presence of mind to snap a few pictures. But fortunately they all came out blurry...

Edited May 11, 2012 by Timestepper

[gjohnsoniv]

That beats any story by a long shot, hands down.

[DaveS]

"Timestepper" I feel yer' pain. I used to "buckskin" and your story made me laugh! You seem to have the same charactor and humor as "Titus Bass" in the book "Carry the Wind". Somehow, I can just picture you chasing a Ki' yote at 4 in the morning!

Good story!

[mudstud]

A buddy of mine has a bass boat that has a outboard motor that is get drive that he uses to fish

the Duck river in Hickman county where he lives.We had been out of town for a week working

together on the day we came home he asked if I wanted to go fishing I said yes I wanted to

ride in this boat to see what this jet was all about.It was about 12 or 1 in the afternoon and he had to

be back so his wife could go somewhwere with the truck (the only truck they had) by 4 .Well we started off

to the river and got in to the water no big deal before we started up the river I asked how deep of water

can the boa runt in. He said about four inches ok lets doit. Well about a 1/2 mile up or so at 35 mph I found out

what happens when four inches of water turns into two or less. It took five guys and a boat to pull that thing

off that gravel bar. And we made it back to his house around 5

[DaveS]

A buddy of mine has a bass boat that has a outboard motor that is get drive that he uses to fish

the Duck river in Hickman county where he lives.We had been out of town for a week working

together on the day we came home he asked if I wanted to go fishing I said yes I wanted to

ride in this boat to see what this jet was all about.It was about 12 or 1 in the afternoon and he had to

be back so his wife could go somewhwere with the truck (the only truck they had) by 4 .Well we started off

to the river and got in to the water no big deal before we started up the river I asked how deep of water

can the boa runt in. He said about four inches ok lets doit. Well about a 1/2 mile up or so at 35 mph I found out

what happens when four inches of water turns into two or less. It took five guys and a boat to pull that thing

off that gravel bar. And we made it back to his house around 5

That's pretty funny right there.

I'll take the notion in a bit to type another one of my "missadventures". I have so many stupid moments to choose from!

[Timestepper]

Looking forward to it, Dave! And thanks for Titus Bass reference - Terry Johnston was a personal friend (he was a fellow Kansan, originally) and I've read the entire series of 7 or 8 (make that 9) books involving "Scratch" several times as well as most of his other books - what an honor to be compared to one of my favorite characters!

...Don...

Edited May 11, 2012 by Timestepper

[DaveS]

My privalage! Love the series too. Damn sure don't like how it ended! When Terry C. Johnston passed on, I heard his "wife" ended the series. When Ol' Scratch got killed off I felt as if I loss kinfolk!

[Timestepper]

Actually, when Terry spoke at the '98 (I think) Kansas Muzzle Loading Association convention, he mentioned, not entirely in jest, that he had "a feeling" that when he "killed him off" or "when Scratch died," he (Terry) wouldn't be too far behind him. Prophetic words, unfortunately, as he passed from colon cancer 2 months after the last novel (where Scratch dies) was published.

[DaveS]

OK, I had heard his wife ended it. I thought Ol' Scratch would live forever. I hated to see it end. I've never read any of his other books, just the Titus series. He was a good writer. Almost like he was telling his on life story. I wish I could have met him!

[Timestepper]

He was a pretty neat guy and, as you know, a great writer. I dedicated a short story to him once with the words, "This story is dedicated to Terry C. Johnston. If I could write like Terry Johnston, I wouldn't be writing like Don McCrary."

[DaveS]

OK folks, sorry I got off subject there....

Every year myself, my Son and whoever else wants to tag-a-long, all head to Land Between The Lakes (LBL) for our annual primative deer camp. I had been out hunting all morning, haven't seen anything and decided to come back to camp and cook breakfast and have it ready by the time the rest of the group got back to camp. Got the biscuits made and put in the dutch oven, potatoes in the skillet and other preperations made.

My "dawgs" were hurting so I came out of my hunting boots and put on flipflops. At that point I decided to 'hone' my archery skills by placing a 3-D deer target about 30 yards from the fire and doing a little shooting. Well I walked through the woods the short distance from camp, set up the target to offer at least a challenge to shoot at. I started walking back toward the fire checking different shooting angles as I did. I got about 10 yards from camp, a very large lizard (turned out to be about a 7 inch long Fence Lizard) jumped on the top of my foot. I kicked my foot in the air to loosen his grip on my foot. Let me tell you what folks, that sucker with his "cat like" claws went to climbing up my leg. I still had on my hunting pants as I hadn't put on my shorts yet. I went to hopping and jumping in the air as I made my way toward the fire. By the time I got to the fire, this lizard done went up my leg and into my boxer shorts! By the time I started striping (I'm still hopping up into the air to shake this lizard loose) this lizard had buried ten very sharp claws into my "boys", (later I was told my fuss'n sounded like that of a wild animal).

I started striping and my pants was at the ankle level and I was trying to pry this lizard loose (no jokes please). Pants down around my ankles, still jumping up and down and squeeling, when lord and behold here come my son and his buddy walking into camp. I'm still trying to get this thing off me. They stopped about ten yards away, and my sons friend started making Injun sounds with his mouth. At that point I realized I was butt a** bare dancing around the campfire like some wild Injun. The lizard jumped to the ground and took off. My Son says..."did we miss something ?' and went rolling with laughter. So as to clear my good name and image I went to telling them what happened. What the hell....I examined the damage to "boys" right then and there. At that point I just didn't care as I have already been compramised!

I blew it all off and while reseating my boxers and hunting pants, I says "ya'll back to camp early". Rob (my son) says "smelling your cooking got the deer all shook up". "Smelled breakfast cooking clear up in the woods".

Then he said "should have come back earlier, and seen the whole WAR DANCE thing you had going. I said nothing as I went to stirring the potatoes!

They have not let me live this down to this day! That's why to this day (at least at deer camp) I have the nick name "Chief Two Lizards".

Have a great day all!

Dave

Edited May 12, 2012 by wd-40

[Timestepper]

Chief Two Lizards. Hmmm... I'll have to remember that so I can pay you proper deference when we finally get the chance to fish together! Speaking of that, it's probably a good thing you weren't fishing that morning... might've caught a blow fish! (Sorry Chief, er, uh... Dave, just couldn't resist!)

Great story!

:rofl:

[DaveS]

Chief Two Lizards. Hmmm... I'll have to remember that so I can pay you proper deference when we finally get the chance to fish together! Speaking of that, it's probably a good thing you weren't fishing that morning... might've caught a blow fish! (Sorry Chief, er, uh... Dave, just couldn't resist!)

Great story!

:rofl:

Cute my friend.....

[Timestepper]

Well, I've thought about this over night and decided to toss in one more piece I wrote, even though it doesn't strictly pertain to hunting and fishing. This one, too, was published in Muzzle Blasts mag. a few years back (January 2002, if I recall correctly). It was written while I was still living in Kansas and was originally literally a letter to my boss (dispatcher) at the time upon learning that he and his family were planning to vacation in Colorado. (He made the the mistake of asking me for advice.)

I'll admit that I have my doubts about putting it here if for no other reason than, after reading it, the chance that everyone here will conclude that I'm the dumbest walking cluster-f*ck who ever tripped over his own fishing rod (seems that our young friend Ramjo has already made that conclusion, lol).

Nonetheless, here goes! Hope you enjoy it!

Letter to the Boss

© 1998 W.D. McCrary

Dear Boss:

Congratulations on having chosen the Colorado Rocky Mountains as your vacation spot this year! As you may know, even though I'm originally from Kansas, I have spent a great deal of time in the Rockies. In fact, due in large part to inaccurate maps, faulty compasses and the mysterious geologic forces which strive to constantly re-arrange other wise familiar landmarks - I have probably spent more time in the Colorado back country than most members of the search and rescue team. At any rate, I am convinced that you, yourself could not have picked a better destination.

I must admit that I am honored that you have come to me for advice and I commend you on your excellent judgment. Naturally, over the years, I have acquired an almost encyclopedic knowledge on this subject and you may believe me when I say that I have forgotten more than you know.

From the time of Zebulon Pike to present there have been literally thousands of books and articles authored on the subject of camping and living in the Rocky mountains. So many so that my wife jokingly inquired as to why anyone over the age of eight who owns a library card would willingly come to me for advice. I politely informed her that I, for one, could understand your wanting to learn things that only a real expert like myself would know!

With that in mind, Boss, I have decided not to fill your brain with information easily obtained from other sources. Instead, I have enclosed the following list of things you should NOT do while you are in the mountains. I know you should not do these things, because unfortunately, I have done them all at some point in the past. Needless to say, the results have ranged from just thoroughly embarrassing to damn near disastrous!

Good Luck Boss! May you learn at least as much from my "adventures" as I have...

Things you should NOT do in the Mountains

(Or anywhere else for that matter!)

1. Do not wrap an egg in clay and place it the campfire to cook.

2. Do not try to start a campfire using only a mouthful of brandy and a Zippo lighter.

3. No matter how cute and cuddly it may look - Do not try to pet a baby porcupine.

4. Never try to kill a skunk with a banjo!

5. Never try to bluff a moose...

6. Never try to cross a stream on any log which is more than ten feet above the water - Especially if the water is less than three feet deep!

7. Never leave your clothes more than a mile from where you are actually "skinny-dipping."

8. NEVER allow yourself to be convinced that riding a plastic toboggan down a two thousand foot snow mass and into a mountain lake would be "a really neat thing to do!"

9. Do not sneak up on your camp partner and "woof" like a grizzly - Especially if they are holding a cast iron skillet or a fly rod.

10. Do not throw rocks or pinecones at your camp partner when they in the bushes answering the call of nature - Especially if they are bigger and meaner than you are.

11. Do not throw rocks or pinecones at any stump that looks like a sleeping bear.

12. If you must climb a tree to escape from a pissed off, recently awakened bear, do NOT disturb anything which even remotely resembles a yellow jacket nest (at least until AFTER you are past it).

And finally - Even if the hornets choose to go after the bear and leave you with only a few stings - Do not jump up and down, clap your hands and laugh uproariously while you are still standing in the uppermost branches of a pine tree!

[DaveS]

That's a good story to jump start my morning.

Muzzle Blast was one of my favorite magazines at one time. I haven't seen any in a couple years though. I built my own Flintlock Rifles and the magazines were real handy at the time. "Muzzleloader" was another good one.

Dave

[DaveS]

Off subject again....

When I made the comparison to a fictional character (Titus "Scratch" Bass) I totaly had no idea you would know what I was talking about! It's a small world buddy!

[Timestepper]

'Tis indeed, my friend, 'tis indeed! So here's to th' dreams that drew us, th' mountains that kept us and th' injuns an' griz that tried t' kill us!

[Ramjo]

That "Dear Boss" letter is the best! And while I don't think you're the dumbest person on Earth, I do think you have hit every branch on the way down from your more adventurous years lol.

Edited May 12, 2012 by Ramjo

[Timestepper]

Touche'

[gjohnsoniv]

I need to hang out with you more so I can take part in these fun adventures, well maybe that's a bad idea... Oh well...

[Timestepper]

Hey, if you ever want a lesson on what not to do or how not to do it, just give me a holler - I'm a walking freakin' litany of the best way to do stuff wrong! ('Course once in a while I do get it right, but that's usually an accident. )

[Ramjo]

Hey, if you ever want a lesson on what not to do or how not to do it, just give me a holler - I'm a walking freakin' litany of the best way to do stuff wrong! ('Course once in a while I do get it right, but that's usually an accident. )

Timestepper the Wise says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you..."

[Timestepper]

Timestepper the Wise says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you... trust me on this!"

Fixed that for ya'!