Laughed so hard I am crying!!!

[Guest canynracer]

A Gift for my Wife

PocketTaser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL! To make a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!! Incidently, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Is that wrong?

So,there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-secondburst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fishout of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4' in circumference; pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy bitsy triple-A batteries)thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best! I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dip****,'reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

SON-OF-A-*****!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure,as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently, I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure,and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts, and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[Smith]

+1!

[Im Neero]

This is the primary reason I have never bought a tazer.

[Guest bkelm18]

Funny stuff.

[R1100R]

+2 TOO FUNNY!!!

[Mike.357]

funny stuff Canyn, hardest I laughed in a while

[-boatman-]

And now I'm laughing so hard I'm crying also.

[xd shooter]

Glad I'm not him. I'm crying. Never underestimate technology!!

[Guest canynracer]

My kids think I have lost it...staring at a screen and tears flowing...LOL..I am still laughing, picturing the freaking cat on the mantel!!!! and the recliner upsidedown!!

OMG, ok, gotta stop...

[Guest rockytop]

funny stuff Canyn, hardest I laughed in a while

+1

[Cannon Fodder]

Old, but the last time I seen it was a dog instead of a cat. Still funny though.

[Guest c.a.s.]

I almost urinated all over myself!

Reminds me of my friend's mom. She was digging through the console on her car and found her taser (60,000v), which had been in there for a year and a half. So she went "It can't still work!" and proceeded to TAZE HERSELF IN THE LEG. WHILE DRIVING. I wish I could have seen the responding officer's face when she called foe help getting out of that field and explained what happened.

Edited April 15, 2008 by c.a.s.

[NuTcAsE]

Man, every time I see that I'll giggle 2 or 3 days about it, I guess because I can see me doing that.

I've lit myself up a few times, once when was a kid I was in the woods playin after a rain in some weeds about waist high when nature called. I KNEW there was an electric there some where..... and I found it!

Back a few years ago I was workin' on my car diagnosing a miss. I'd gotten my spark tester and hooked it up to a plug wire. I couldn't see the spark as the sun was shining directly on it, so I shaded my eyes, y'know like a salute with my right hand and bent over the fender to take a look. Well, you gotta watch how close you get, and don't make yourself a ground, 'cause you'll lay the damndest Hong Kong Phooey chop you've ever seen right across your forehead. My wife came running out the door checking the back of my head, as I was staggering around in circles. She thought I had raised up and hit the back of my head on the hood. I don't know if I did or not, the front was hurtin too much and I was tryin to shove my eyeballs back in the holes.

I guess the morals of these stories are:

Juice, hurts like a SUM*****

[strickj]

Any story that has this statement in the beginning

To make a long story short

You know will be a long one,but this one was well worth it!

:clap:

I bet the cat ask for this shirt for xmas

[Guest mace8924]

Read that about a year ago and damn near pissed my self then and almost did it again this time while the wife thought I had completly lost it.

[Guest db99wj]

Hillarious!

Copy, paste, send.

[Guest tnmale46]