Bad news

[JAB]

I haven't said anything yet - I am a pretty private type person and have been putting off posting anything but it looks like my wife and I are getting divorced. I've actually known for about three weeks, now, but haven't posted about it.

As you might imagine, this is a sad thing, for me. January will mark our ninth anniversary (as I do not expect the divorce to be final by then) but we dated for nearly five years before we were married so we have been in an exclusive relationship for almost fourteen years. Before we started dating we hadn't seen each other much for nearly ten years but were actually good friends in high school way back in the '80s so even though we were both in our 30s when we got married, we have known each other for a long time. More than half our lives.

The divorce is pretty amicable - as amicable as such things can be. We don't have kids nor do we own any real estate together so those things aren't factors. She isn't trying to take anything that is 'mine' nor am I trying to get anything that is 'hers' so there is no conflict, there. I'm keeping all of my guns, vehicles, etc. and she and her siblings even said I should keep the .22 rifle that belonged to their father. Neither of us have enough money to be worth fighting over. Neither of us has been unfaithful. Things could be much worse but obviously the whole thing still sucks on a lot of levels. She is the one who first moved to file for divorce so I was pretty shocked and hurt at first. Having had a few weeks to gain some perspective, however, I am wondering if this really isn't for the best. We still care for each other and if our marriage is going to end I'd rather it happen while we can still be friends rather than try to hold out and just end up bitter and hating each other. Some may think it sounds like we aren't fighting as hard as we should to preserve our marriage but - as we have taken steps to try and do so in the past and those steps have failed - I have to consider the probability that all we would achieve at this point would be to end our relationship with animosity.

There are a few, thin silver linings to this dark cloud. One is that I now have the chance to live alone. When I graduated high school and went to college, I left my parents' home and lived with my grandmother because she lived close to campus and liked having me there. Then my wife and I were married so I have never just lived by myself. While some might fear being 'alone' in such a situation, being a pretty solitary type person I actually like the idea. Besides, where I am living now my mom is my neighbor on one side and my sister and her husband and kids are my neighbors on the other side, both within easy walking distance. If I want to be around family, that is easily achieved. Another plus is that we have a combined 11 acres of mostly wooded land so not only can I hunt on the property, I could also literally stand in my kitchen and shoot out of the back (kitchen) door if I wanted. I probably won't do that but you get the idea.

Anyhow, that is about as much detail as I am willing to go into and really no further detail is needed. I just felt a need to say something on a few of the forums to which I belong. I will probably post this same message on a couple of different forums so those of you who belong to two or three forums to which I also belong shouldn't be surprised if you see it in more than one place.

[Guest JMB]

Sorry to hear about your pending divorce JAB.

It's hard for two people to remain on the same path for a lifetime, at least you both seem to be able to simply shift the relationship from being partners to being friends. Still doesn't make the transition any easier.

Prayers that you will both find a way that makes you happier.

[jtmaze]

I feel for anyone getting divorced. That is one thing that sucks for everyone involved no matter how mutual everything is. Keep your head up and it will all work out.

JTM🔫

Sent from my iPhone

[Caster]

Well disillusionments are easy when both parties agree and sign the dotted line.

It sucks but I'll bet some guys here can tell you; It could be so much worse.

It sucks and you have my sympathy. I applaud both of you for being mature about it.

[Mike.357]

Good luck to you.

Sometimes it is harder to pull the plug than to just keep going.

[Caster]

...oh yeah. 11 acres??? I'm telling you. If you don't have one, go out this weekend and start shopping the pound....get yourself a good dog. It's amazing what powers they wield.

[JAB]

...oh yeah. 11 acres??? I'm telling you. If you don't have one, go out this weekend and start shopping the pound....get yourself a good dog. It's amazing what powers they wield.

I have a chihuahua that turned sixteen last summer. Yeah, I know, I know but she isn't the typical chihuahua and has been a great dog. When I was living at my grandmother's (on East Fifth Ave in Knoxville) she would only bark if barking needed to be done. Because of that, I paid attention when she would bark - which is why I and my .38 paid attention and went to the door one night when three guys were attempting a home invasion. In other words, I think her ridiculously good hearing along with knowing when to bark quite literally saved our lives. Heh, she was with me before I got married and she is still with me, now. She's having a harder and harder time getting around now, though, plus she is going blind. I'm afraid that my long-time companion doesn't have much time left. I know that I don't want another dog that has to live inside. I've said for a while that I wanted a beagle when the time for a new dog came but now that I have a fenced in yard with plenty of room, I'm thinking that something in a larger breed that would make a good guard dog might be in order. I'm not sure how soon I'll be ready to get one and I'd want a puppy or very young dog so I'd know its general age, life history and so on but I definitely plan to go the 'rescue' route.

[UncleJak]

Sorry to hear this...

[mikegideon]

Sorry to hear about this. Any divorce is a major change in your day-to-day life, and will mess with your head. You're lucky to have family close. Good luck.

My first marriage was similar to yours. We've been divorced for 20 years, and still friends.

[Guest pfries]

I am sorry to hear that you're getting divorced.

When I got divorced. We started off on good grounds, and then things got a little ugly, I kept my head and when all is said and done we remain friends for the benefit of the kids.

Hope all is well and if you need to talk feel free to call shoot me a PM if you want and I'll give you my number.

Best regards and sincerest sympathy:

Pat

[Guest WyattEarp]

really sad to hear this, but I'm glad to hear 2 people can have differences, agree to go their separate ways and withhold the animosity and do it maturely and reasonably. Speaks volumes about both of your maturity levels, something seldom seen when 2 people end a relationship, and something even I have struggled with in the past, sometimes emotions are just too much to control when you really care about someone, and then it goes South, no matter how hard you try to keep it from happening.

I always encourage anyone who's married and contemplating divorce to evaluate the relationship, life goals, and to really take some time to study what the true meaning of love is, because without love, you wouldn't have been together as long as you were, and I think a big problem in our society is that people think love is an emotion, and/or a feeling, and when you don't have that "feeling" anymore, and think you're not in love and people just walk away.

Unfortunately there's no way to put this without it being religious, because that's where my beliefs lie, but I also don't want to push my religious beliefs on anyone else, so I'll leave it up to you or anyone else who is interested to go search for it on google and do some serious reading and soul searching.

Somewhere around Nashville, there's a young lady that I was so in love with about a year and a half ago, who walked away and despite our best efforts to keep it civil, we both gave in to anger and it turned ugly and we haven't communicated since July of 2010. Most of this was due to miscommunication and lack of the appropriate communication, which eventually completely broke down on both sides. Even though my heart was shattered, and my world seemed broken, nothing she did or said, has or ever will change how I feel about her, because love isn't conditional on someone being there to receive it or give it back, its not contingent on her saying or do what I want, or me doing what she wants, and as I said, it's more than just feeling and emotion, it's the compassion for another person as a human being, in mind, body and spirit, and it never ends regardless of any circumstances, it's just something so pure, so unwavering, it's a connection between two people that can never be severed unless one or both are willing to allow that.

It's also something I've only had once in my entire life and my only regret was it didn't last long enough, but everyday I reflect on what I learned from her, and I use that motivation to be a better person, to try harder, to be nicer to people, to give more effort when I dont think I have any left to give, to be more compassionate, to be more empathetic, to do better, to be more giving, and to be the man I know I should be whether she's there with me or not. That woman changed my life forever and I love her for it, and I always will. Most of my childhood, teenage years and young adult life, so many people tried to get through to me to pull my head out of my tailpipe, and do something with my life, few if any ever got the message across. She never once had to said a word about anything to me negatively to pull my head out, her presence in my life and how she carried herself, did the talking for her, it was automatic, and I saw it, realized it and knew she wasn't putting up with any bull****. It was just a given, I got the message loud and clear without so much as an evil eye, a doubtful look, or a harsh word spoken from her. I just knew what was expected of me if I was going to be the man in her life. Aside from my Grandfather (my mother's father), she's the only person to get through to me.

I was moving the right direction when I met her, but still kind of zigzagging and stumbling. From the day I met her till we broke up, I was the man I have always needed to be, and wanted to be, but never knew how to be. She had that effect on me. Everyone who was around me saw it, and told me I had taken a big step in the right direction. I knew it too, and realized it and I never took her for granted, but maybe I tried too hard to hold on to her after she walked away, but when I hit rock bottom in summer of 2010, I grabbed a hold of every good thing I could get my hands on, and dug myself out of the hole I had put myself in to begin with, and here I am today, enjoying my life, working harder than I've ever worked before, getting opportunities to do things I thought I would never be able to do, and it gets better with each passing day. I don't know where I'd be if she hadn't come into my life, and I don't know what I'd have learned if she hadn't left me, and I was good to her while we were together, but my life overall was a mess at the time, and other than her, I had a lot of things going wrong in so many ways, I sometimes wonder what she even saw in me, that she stayed as long as she did. I was a walking cluster **** at the time, and there's no other way I can put it to sum it up. I've moved on from our relationship and the hurt is gone, but there's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and smile, and give thanks to the man upstairs for sending her my way, because I honestly, believe she just might have been an angel sent by God, to help straighten me out and get me refocused on the important things in life so I can get to where I want to go. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love her for it and so many other reasons, and I always will, even if she went on the 5 o'clock news and cussed me up one side of Nashville and down the other. She could stab me or shoot me and it wouldn't change how I felt.

and lookie there, i wrote another book, sorry for the long post, but maybe you'll find some perspective in what I've said. whatever you do, use this situation in a positive way, because good things will come from it.

Edited December 6, 2011 by WyattEarp

[R_Bert]

Sorry to hear, bro.

Bert

[Caster]

I have a chihuahua that turned sixteen last summer. Yeah, I know, I know but she isn't the typical chihuahua and has been a great dog. When I was living at my grandmother's (on East Fifth Ave in Knoxville) she would only bark if barking needed to be done. Because of that, I paid attention when she would bark - which is why I and my .38 paid attention and went to the door one night when three guys were attempting a home invasion. In other words, I think her ridiculously good hearing along with knowing when to bark quite literally saved our lives. Heh, she was with me before I got married and she is still with me, now. She's having a harder and harder time getting around now, though, plus she is going blind. I'm afraid that my long-time companion doesn't have much time left. I know that I don't want another dog that has to live inside. I've said for a while that I wanted a beagle when the time for a new dog came but now that I have a fenced in yard with plenty of room, I'm thinking that something in a larger breed that would make a good guard dog might be in order. I'm not sure how soon I'll be ready to get one and I'd want a puppy or very young dog so I'd know its general age, life history and so on but I definitely plan to go the 'rescue' route.

I'd kill a man over my little chi'wa'wa:) I know what you mean. They've got some serious hearing. I'm sorry to hear your little friend is getting poor in health. Heartbreaker. You definitely need a large breed. That beagle would do you well running squirrels and rabbits around your property. Go get one and spend a lot of time outside with it.

[Raoul]

Every ending is a new beginning.

[Guest Lester Weevils]

Condolences. It is a big change to go thru.

Only been divorced once and the second wife hasn't run me off yet after 30+ years.

That old divorce was on "reasonably amicable" terms and we didn't have bad disagreements afterwards, but I noticed that as years passed, the ex kept remembering more and more things I did wrong. There were only a few items immediately after the divorce, but it grew into a long list of misdeeds some years later.

[mav]

Sorry to hear about that. You have my sympathy.

[Fourtyfive]

The grass is always greener on the other side ; just depends on which side you are viewing from. Been married 31 years , all good. I hope everything works out like you want it to. If your hesitant then work for a better resolution ; if your not then lean on us. Good luck bro......

[Guest TargetShooter84]

Sorry to hear man. Good luck

[TGO David]

Sorry to hear it. Been there, done that, survived it. So will you.

[Steelharp]

I am sorry. It's no fun... mine was horrible... but I survived... it will get better...

[strickj]

You guys are bring this place down!

Congrats, man! Move on and find someone better.

Good luck!

[dlm37015]

i was married for 27 years 9 months 6 days got a divorce it hurt but life goes on . it cost a lot of money a whole lot but 10 years later its only a memory life is too short to mope find something you like to do and get busy. remember your dog or cat always loves you and ask for nothing but food and love in return

[Murgatroy]

At least you can part friends. Hopefully.

Having seen all of my family go through this, and nearly going through it myself, it sucks. Being able to part peacefully is a blessing.

[sigbrown1297]

its good that you don't have kids to factor. That is probably the worst part....

Enjoy the freedom, go out and have some fun, get some strange, and find you another woman. There are plenty out there.

[Dolomite`s Breezy]

Hate to hear it.. it will get better.. it will stop being painful and life will go on

If you really have exhausted all avenues and really tried everything to keep it going and its not going anywhere.. then its best to just let go..

it will get better