Joke Thread

[Guest Archimedes]

A tough old Montana cowboy once told his grandson that, if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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First man : Why do you go hunting without bullets?

Second man: Because it's cheaper and the results are the same.

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Three old rifle shooters are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer.

~Archi

[Guest Archimedes]

OMG, double.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.

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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like

when I'm driving.

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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

~Archi

[shaftbass]

There once was a man from Nantuckett...

[jgrauman]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving

at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been

unfaithful to his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love

to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner

whipped my butt with wet celery???" She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[Guest Phantom6]

While acquainting himself with a new elderly patient, the young doctor asked, "How long since you've been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered.."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

-------------------------------------------------------

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, the new doc was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing the young resident physician. The yong doctor looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, it was "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

[Guest db99wj]

>>A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A

>>slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

>>

>>He declines, "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

>>It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my

>>appetite."

>>

>>At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of

>>soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

>>

>>He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for

>>food."

>>

>>Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you

>>like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe

>>a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

>>

>>He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

>>

>>"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"

My mom sent me this joke:eek:

Subject: Living Will

> > >>

> > >> Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I

> > >> said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent

> > >> on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens,

> > >> just pull the plug."

> > >>

> > >> She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer .

> > >>

> > >> She's such a bitch.

>Subject: FW: jewish mom

>

>The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop.

>Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is

>finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful

>Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange

>illness called herpes."

>After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do

>you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?"

>Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to

>hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him.

>It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes

>goes, who knows?"

>"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know,

>Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

>Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth!

>Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a

>disease affecting the gentiles!"

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute." Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven, and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more such phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of Tennessee. Upon entering a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"! Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call Why is that?

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call!

[Guest Phantom6]

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving a team of mules before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've pulled out of that mud hole today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"

"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in that there hole."

[jgrauman]

Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1). Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2). Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3). Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4). Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5). If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Guest Archimedes]

That was good.

Only if...er when, eh?

Hell, they're beaming stuff already, Scotty!!!

~Archi

[molonlabetn]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. I invented the road. therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI: (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

[Guest dotsun]

WARNING: Adult Language and very poor taste!

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

[Guest Hyaloid]

[Guest Phantom6]

Saw this over at the TFA forum and being a Lab owner myself I just had to share-

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for the job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says....

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He's never done any of that."

[kckndrgn]

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Guest Phantom6]

KFC is coming out with a new 5 piece "bucket" called the Hillery Meal. It's got

• two huge thighs
  
• two small breasts and
  
• one left wing

I don't care what anybody says. That there is funny.

[Guest db99wj]

"Some Southern Style Marriage Counselling"

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie, are quietly sitting in a

boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I

think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2

months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women

like that are hard to find."

[Guest looneeetunes]

hey... did you guys hear that in 08 all vehicles are going to put the high beam button back on the floor? yeah too many blonds in fatal car crashes found with leg up and foot on turn signal....

[Guest looneeetunes]

ohh i know that was bad