Joke Thread

[Guest db99wj]

Post them up.

Having Mom Over for Dinner

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the

meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful

Brian's roommate, Jennifer was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian

and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she

started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met

the

eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must

be

thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your

mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver

gravy

ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt

it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from

the

house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle but the

fact

remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that

read:

Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not

saying that you do not" sleep with Jennifer but the fact remains that if

Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle

by now. Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[Guest db99wj]

>>> Ocean life by Kindergartners:

>>>

>>> I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

>>> (Kelly age 6 )

>>>

>>> Oysters' balls are called pearls.

>>> (James age 6)

>>>

>>> If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea

>

>>> all around you, you are incontinent.

>>> (Wayne age 7)

>>>

>>> I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily

>

>>> Richardson. She's not my friend no more.

>>> (Kylie age 6)

>>>

>>> A Dolphin breathes through an ******* on the top of its head.

>>> (Billy age 6)

>>>

>>> My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with

>>> crabs.(Millie age 6)

>>>

>>> When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the

>>> ocean.

>>> Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to

>>> make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating

>>> beans.

>>> (William age 7)

>>>

>>> I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.

>>> How do mermaids get pregnant?

>>> (Helen age 7)

>>>

>>> Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give

>

>>> you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think

>>> they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

>>>

>>> When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my

>>> willy small.

>>> (Kevin age 6)

>>>

>>> There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there.

>>> (Russ age 5)

>>>

[Guest db99wj]

WHAT DO DEER THINK...

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bowhunter was being interviewed by a French

journalist and the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of

a deer before you shoot him? Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you

the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they

care about is, "What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,

and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French."

[Guest GlocKingTN]

Those are pretty good db!

[Guest Archimedes]

A really sad guy carrying a black bag walked into a bar.

He sits down next to a curious gentleman who asked "Hey, buddy, what's wrong with you? Ya look like you just lost your best friend."

The sad guy said nothing, grabbed his bag, and placed it on the bar. He pulled out a tiny grand piano followed by a tiny man in a tuxedo. The tiny man began playing the tiny piano.

"Wow!!" said the gentleman... "That can't be what made you sad. You could make alot of money off that."

Next, the sad man pulled out a rusty Genie lamp and handed it to the gentleman. The gentleman gives the lamp a rub and out popped a decrepit old Genie.

"I shall grant you ONE wish," said the Genie.

Without pausing for a second, the gentleman shouted "I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!!!"

Suddenly, one by one, ducks began popping up all over the bar....QUACK....QUACK...QUACK!!!

"That's not right.....I asked for a million BUCKS," the gentleman explained.

The sad man leaned over and said "Ya think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

________________________________________________________________

The Diet...

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads...

"If I catch you, you're mine."

[ZZRguy]

Other than the initials, What does a Harley Davidson and a hound dog have in common?

They both like to ride in the back of pick-up trucks. :D

[Guest jackdog]

ZZ that was funny and true.

Jackdog

[Guest jackdog]

Got to love this and it,s actually true.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He

performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an

E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on

FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience

contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a

bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,

so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's

not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first

must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my

office lies at the

bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This

time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is

this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000

piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a

delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a

garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn

good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose

and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit

with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going

well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I

scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt

started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was

done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my

suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish

couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as

fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually

grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive

supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were

unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all

laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was

instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling

thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my

chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing

nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic,

with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream

and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The

cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt

was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think

about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your

butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad

day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[jgrauman]

What do a tornado and a kentucky divorce have in common?

Either way you look at it, somebodies losing a trailer!

[Guest GlocKingTN]

ZZ that was funny and true.

Jackdog

Jackdog, I see you live in Dover. You ever go fishing on the Cumberland River? My dad and I use to go camping there alot!

[Guest Ghostrider]

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.

1) If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

2) If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

3) If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

4) If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

5) If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

[Guest Archimedes]

Hahaha!

That was funny....'cept for the Army bit!!!

A guy is walking down the sidewalk when he sees a boy being pulled toward him in an old pedal fire engine by a yelping dalmation. As the man gets closer to the pair, he notices that the engine is tied securely to the dog's.....um....sack.

"Hi, there. Whatcha doin', kid?" asks the man.

"I'm a fireman rushing to put out a fire with my trusty firehouse dog!" the boy replied.

"Dontcha think you could get there faster if you didn't have your engine tied to the dog's...boys?" the man inquired.

"Yah," said the boy "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

~Archi

[Guest Ghostrider]

That's the beauty of it. You can just move the names around and do anything you like with it. A "universal" joke.

How 'bout this?

Judi and Jon got married and she was at the drugstore looking at the men's toiletries. A clerk comes up to help her and asks if she needs assistance.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

[Guest Ghostrider]

Three men enter a rest room on a busy military base. A Navy Ensign, an Air Force Lt. and an Army 1SG.

The airman and the sailor hit it first and the airman says to the sailor; "I noticed that you washed your hands before you went to the bathroom?"

Yes, said the sailor, they taught us that at the naval academy.

Well, says the airman, at the Air Force academy they taught us to wash our hands AFTER we use the bath room.

At which point the 1SG zips up and heads for the door.

What about you 1SG, they both say, noticing that he didn't wash before or after.

Oh, says the 1SG, during first grade they taught us not to pee on our hands.

[Guest jackdog]

Use to fish a lot but gave my boat to my son and have not fishd for 5 years.

Don't really miss either.

[Guest Hornet Handler]

A man calls his house and a little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy." "Hi Daddy"

"Where's Mommy?" "She's upstairs in the room with Uncle Joe."

After a brief pause, he replies. "You don't have an Uncle Joe sweetie."

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."

"OK, this is what I want you to do honey. Run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled up into the driveway. Can you do that for me?"

"OK, Daddy." After a few minutes, she returns to the line sounding somewhat shaken. "OK, Daddy, I did it."

"What happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of the bed yelling with no clothes on, put on her robe, and was running towards the stairs when she tripped on the rug and fell all the way down the stairs. Now she's just lying there with her neck at a weird angle. I think she's dead."

The man was shocked. "Oh my lord! What about Uncle Joe?"

"Well he jumped out of bed too. He grabbed up his clothes and jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but I guess he forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it. Now he's just lying there and not moving. I think he's dead too."

After a minute of silence... "Swimming pool? Is this 555-1360?"

[Guest jackdog]

Keep them coming guys, A laugh is good for all of us.

[Guest Phantom6]

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't actually physically impaired he was able to remain in the Corps and eventually rose to the rank of General. All throughout his career however he was acutely sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three Marines for the job of being his personal aide. The first Marinf was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." Well, that did it. The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The second interview was with a female Lieutenant, and she was even better. Not too bad on the eyes either. The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General pitched her out also. The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined (big surprise, eh?).

The General really liked this guy, and proceeded with the same final question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, wow, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention the ear thing . "And Gunny, how do you know that I wear contacts?" The General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied, "Well, sir, actually that's pretty damned obvious 'cause it's damned hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."

[Guest Phantom6]

After having their 11th child, an old boy from just outside of Beckley, WV and his wife decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger trailer on his coal mining salary. So guy goes to the free clinic in town and tells the doctor that he and his wife didn't want anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but due to state medical regulations, the clinic no longer performed that procedure. He could however have it done at the doctor’s, office across the street but it would be very expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The good ol’ boy said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the county, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the guy went home, lit the cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works with most guys from Arkansas, some guys from Alabama, and a few Georgians.

[Guest Ghostrider]

Windows 95: The first program, having its best-before-date include in its name.

------------------------------------

A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.

The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"

From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

[Guest db99wj]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

”If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,

close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For

some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,

in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -

but would run on only five percent of the roads

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single

"This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you

simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again

because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Guest Ghostrider]

While that's funny (and true) it has a certain saddness to it.

You see, I have to push the start button (the bottom half of it) to shut down my vette... a 'feature' in the c6....

How far have we sunk if it makes sense to the engineers to do this?

[Guest Phantom6]

You know you're a cop if...

1) You have the bladder capacity of five people.

2) You have ever restrained someone and it was not a

sexual experience.

3) You believe that 50% of people are a waste of good

air.

4) Your idea of a good time is a "man with a gun"

call.

5) You conduct a criminal record check on anyone who

seems friendly towards you.

6) You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac and

birth control pills.

7) You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what

you see.

8) You have your weekends off planned for a year.

9) You believe the government should require a permit

to reproduce.

10) You refer to your favorite restaurant by the

intersection at which it's located.

11) You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled:

"Suicide...getting it right the first time."

12) You ever had to put the phone on hold before you

begin laughing uncontrollably.

13) You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

14) You believe anyone who says, "I only had two

beers" is going to blow more than a .15

15) You find out a lot about paranoia just by

following people around.

16) Anyone has ever said to you, "There are people

killing other people out there and you are here messing with me."

17) People flag you down on the street and ask you

directions to strange places...and you know where it's located.

18) You can discuss where you are going to eat with

your partner while standing over a dead body .

19) You are the only person introduced at social

gatherings by profession. (ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?!)

20) You walk into places and people think it's high

comedy to grab their buddy and shout, "They've come to get you, Bill."

21) People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into

a room and think they're being hugely funny and original.

22) A week's worth of laundry consists of 5 T-shirts,

5 pairs of socks, and 5 pairs of underwear.

23) You've ever referred to Tuesday as "my weekend",

or "this is my Friday".

24) You've ever written off guns and ammunition as a

business deduction.

25) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you

if anyone says, "Boy, it sure is quiet tonight."

26) Discussing dismemberment over lunch seems

perfectly normal to you.

27) You find humor in other people's stupidity.

28) You have left more meals on the restaurant table

than you've eaten.

29) You feel good when you hear "these handcuffs are

too tight".

[Guest Archimedes]

WARNING......NAUGHTYNESS AHEAD....NOT FOR VIRGIN EYES OR THE EASILY OFFENDED!!

The Four Cats!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an

Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly

drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He

divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and

said,"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took

out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can

your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your

stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies,

drank the milk, $h*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he

injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working

conditions, put in for Workers Compensation...and went home for the rest of

the day on sick leave.

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT

Sorry to you government employees out there.

I'm thinking this joke refers to the clerical types for you LEOs and military folks who may want to and may well have the ability to ring my neck.

~Archi

[Guest Phantom6]

An East Tennessee farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.