who's been shot?

[bajabuc]

I have some no gunshot no wounds stories and they're pretty funny...it's the things my wife and I used to do to eachother. Like the glass of icewater over the shower door...I'm sure EVERYBODY has had that.

How we met: Part one.

I had a girlfriend who decided to "teach me a lesson" and dumped me. She returned the ring and all that pissy stuff. Sheesh...Maybe I should explain about Nancy first. Nancy was "upper crust" Nancy was "old Money" Nancy was perfect...everything was where it should be and lots of it. Nancy had a great job because her family had "values" and everyone should do their part for America and the American way. Nancy lived three doors down from the Govenor. My mom LOVED Nancy...and she agreed with Nancy when Nancy decided to teach me a lesson. This is 1964 / 1965 and money was worth a lot more than it is today. Gas 19 cents a gallon. Burger 25 cents a pound. I was working for sears making almost 150$ a week selling paint. Nancy didn't give me a reason why she dumped me and I'm sure that even if she'd given me one I wouldn't understand it. Who knows why women do what they do? Not me or any of my male friends...the women just nodded their heads and laughed.

So...I'm doing without...and playing bass in a Rock and Roll band at a Friday night street dance. We're pretty good...not great but danceable. I was singing when this tight bright red pair of pants sashayed past...I stopped singing and hollered, "Hey! You...You in the red pants...yeah you! go stand on the corner and let me finish this song and come talk to you." Two weeks later we were involved. 4 weeks after that we got married. Jo was everything Nancy wasn't...Nan was beautiful...Jo wasn't. Nan had perfect features...Jo got hit in the nose with a BB gun...Twice! Nan was tall. Jo was short. Nan was REALLY built. Jo wasn't...hardly. But...Jo was funny...possibly the funniest person I ever met. Jo had a rubber face and she could shut her eyes from the botton up. She could waggle her ears together or in opposite directions. Jo's extremely erotic walk was from getting thrown into a tree by her horse and breaking nearly every bone in her body except her skull and her spine...Jo was put together...with stainless steel wires and screws. And I'm serious as a heartattack about this.

So...we're married...which is a wild story by itself...and we go visit my mother who is being visited by Nancy and...well excretment and fans are involved. But...Jo brought the marriage license and she won. Nan made some phone calls...her dad, who owned the shopping center where the sears store I worked at, got me fired.

Edited May 20, 2011 by bajabuc

[Guest rebeldrummer]

So I'm laughing at this story so far, out loud....and my wife is giving me this.."your nuts!" look....ha ha ha ha

[bajabuc]

We're living in the country nextdoor to jo's uncle (Jess is a former Kentucky moonshiner and bootlegger) Jess is also a foster parent to all of Jo's siblings because Jo's dad came home drunk and wanted some...Larry...who is actually the guy renting the house...is a wannabe biker and a sneakthief. We're paying Larry and Larry isn't paying the landlord and that gets complicated beyond belief...So...I'm reading in the comfy chair and Jo is messing with my hair...She put it up...as in tiny pink bows and little braids and I didn't have a clue...it felt nice so I just let her play...when Larry comes with a whole bunch of his biker buddies. Nobody mentioned my hair but I got some strange looks (perhaps I should mention that I had 19 inch biceps and a 48 inch chest...relaxed. But I only weighed 133 pounds..I looked a lot like a walking wedge. Now I look like a wrecking ball on toothpicks) Jo is looking at my hair...larry is looking at my hair...the bikers are looking at my hair and I don't know a thing. They finally leave and Jo says...go look in the mirror. I did...I said...I'll get you for this...and that's the real beginning of our marriage.

[Chief07]

Been shot at but never hit. My eyes got real big, the hair stood up on the back of my neck, my butt hole puckered up............

There is just something about a bullet breaking the sound barrier past your ears.

Hope it never happans again.

[bajabuc]

We moved...Gene of the previous stories...came and said, "I need reliable help installing siding, you move in with us, we have a pool, and I'll feed you both, Jo can watch the kids...I'll pay 5 bucks a square for the first week..6 bucks the second, 7 the third...and like that" I said..."What's a square?" I learned...So ...now I'm making 300$ a day and Gene...the idiot, says "we need to make more...we need to get up earlier and stay later and go faster. Come fall we need to move to Texas so we can work through the winter. I'm sending Jo and Carol to Tyler Texas to scout us a place." By now I have my own tools and truck...I'm giving Jo fifty bucks a week to play with, keeping 75 a day for expenses and banking the rest of the money...Carol is spending every penny Gene is making and unsatisfied. I buy breakfast, and lunch and gas for the trucks and split the motels and still I'm banking nearly a grand a week...and Carol doesn't get it. She keeps trying to get Jo to nag me for more money. Jo said, "I'm living better than I ever have before...the sex is great and you want me to destroy my marriage? Nope...won't do it."

I talked to the company owner and he said...we slow down in the winter but I can keep you working. You do great work..if you don't have Gene I can tell you'll be a little slow...I can also tell which side of the house you do and which side gene does...so if you don't want to move...

I still went to Texas...wanderlust...Gene got mad one morning and I quit...we moved to Kansas. Wellington Kansas is every bit as flat as people say Kansas is. F...L...A...T...really flat. There's a hill outside of town that was built when they made the tollroad...from the top of it you can see Arkansas City...it's 36 miles and change and downhill all the way.

Larry...you remember Larry...Larry moved there a few weeks after I did.

Wellington Kansas is WHEAT...and oil...but mostly wheat. They have a Harvest Festival that is wild. When we moved there I got a job as a machinist at a plant building aircraft parts. And Jo got a job at a drive in right next door. She had a lot of trouble with the police because she looks so young...they kept picking her up and grilling her about her age.

And I looked like a kid too...the last time I was IDed and they meant it I was 44. So We're in Wellington...the wind blows here...Wind means Box kites.. On Saturdays I'd go buy a bunch of box kites...at least 10 and a 250 foot roll of string for each kite. We'd go to the park practice field and put up a kite...Kite equals kid..We'd hand a string to a kid and put up another kite and kid that one...until we had 10 kids and 10 kites up and we'd go home...leaving the kites and kids to fend for themselves. That was fun...Once we put up 8 kites on one string and got in trouble with the FAA...too high for airplane safety. That was fun too and we learned something! We did lots of things like that...a Zebco rod and reel was 2.95 cents...I'd buy a bunch and give them to kids at the crick and we'd just leave.

The Harvest Festival...oh yeah...that's where I intended to go with this:

Jo is two weeks away from having our daughter...her friend is one month away from her daughter and David IV is 3...During Harvest every farmer and their family in the county comes and cashes their wheat check...they buy brand new "farmeralls" and go to the fair and carnival...there's a lot of drinking and carrying on and it's a generally good time. There is easily 15 thousand people there.

The MAIN bank is on the North east traffic light corner...so is the Wellington Bank, it's on the North west corner. The Woolworths is on the Southeast and the diner is across from Woolworths. Everybody in town is near that corner. The carnival is half a block east..It's Noon!

My wife is holding on to David IV's hand...Her friend has the other hand and the light changes. I run to the middle of the street and yell, "Quit! I don't care how long you girls follow me around...I'm not marrying either one of you!" When I hollered QUIT everybody turned to look. I walked the rest of the way across the 4 lanes of Main and turned around...they were GONE!

Edited May 20, 2011 by bajabuc

[bajabuc]

So I'm laughing at this story so far, out loud....and my wife is giving me this.."your nuts!" look....ha ha ha ha

Let her read it.

[Mike.357]

I'd have to call BS but your stories are so nuts they gotta be true.

I wanna have beers with you sometime.

[eapking]

Baj, you could sell this stuff and make some real money. Book, movie, the works. Great stuff.

[bajabuc]

I'd have to call BS but your stories are so nuts they gotta be true.

I wanna have beers with you sometime.

It's all true...and really edited to keep the nasty bits out.. The grocery store in Lewistown Montana is too much for this chat.

[Fourtyfive]

I've been shot at but not hit. As a kid some of my friends and I were walking down the creek and this crazy dude we knew in high school came out of his house on the creek and told us not to catch the crawdads because his mom fed them (we used to put the biggest ones in a ring of lighter fluid fire so they would fight each other as they backed away from the fight , sick , I know , we were kids). Next thing we know we here gun shots , we ran from the creek to a side road and crawled on our bellies as the fence posts rocked above our heads. Pretty scary , haven't forgotten it.

[Guest TackleberryTom]

bajabuc, The next time I am in Knoxville I am calling you and gonna stop by for some more stories. I could sit and listen for hours. Reminds me of visiting my great uncle Clare. I loved going to see him and spending all day listening to stories from the past.

Keep the stories coming.

[bajabuc]

I was NOT a good guy by anyone's lights... I did some things I won't write about until I'm at the door to the next great adventure...if you know what I mean.

[Guest tnfireman]

I'd have to call BS but your stories are so nuts they gotta be true.

I wanna have beers with you sometime.

I'm with you Mike, First round or two is on me.

[bajabuc]

When I was in Wellington I had this fishing buddy...he SAID he had permission to fish this pond and I believed him. Saturdays we weren't kidding kites The two of us would slip off and go fishing at this pond. It was maybe 2 acres. Man made, naturally. It had a few HUGE large mouth bass in it. We'd park on the road and hike into the pond...the whole place was posted but he SAID he had permission...I'm gonna keep saying that too. We're backed up to the dam and casting Mepps when I hear Whap...whap...whap...What in the he..?

He said...get ready to leave...I'll tell you when. Whap...whap whappitywhapwhap...Now!...Run... keep low. We made it back to the car...Changed the flat tire and went home. That was not fun. He's laughing hysterically the whole time he's changing the tire..

You SAID you had permission!!!

I lied.

[bajabuc]

Still in Wellington...My son and I are playing Cowboys and Indians...we were both Indians and we needed a cowboy, when my wife called out the window, "Lunch, come and get it before I slop it to the hogs." I hollered back, "Come down here...we need you just for a minute." "What's up?" "We need a cowboy and you're elected." We tied her to the tree and went upstairs and ate the ENTIRE lunch. All of it...it was good too!

The next door neighbor came out to see why she was making such a fuss, "Untie me. please."

"Nope...I'll never interfere with the way a man chastises his wife."

He did give me such a look the next time he saw me.

[Guest J.D. Skull]

In the movie of bajabuc's life. Who would play him?

[bajabuc]

In the movie of bajabuc's life. Who would play him?

My youngest son...but we'd better hurry...he's getting old

[Bradski]

Never been shot, but I've had a few wimmen folk tell me I'm hung [insert rim shot]

[Guest Bronker]

In the movie of bajabuc's life. Who would play him?

This guy is free 364 days a year.

[Guest brandon_pitt]

This guy is free 364 days a year.

Yeah bit I hear he's real Hollywood. He'll want a book deal, 10 episode series, etc.

[bajabuc]

Yeah bit I hear he's real Hollywood. He'll want a book deal, 10 episode series, etc.

I am pleased...he'll make a great Santa Dave

[bajabuc]

You do realize that, although this is all true, Names and dates are changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty.

We're living in a "steamboat gothic(look it up)" apartment house, next door lives one of my mother's "girls"...they play bridge on Monday Nights..at least that's what they claim..I've bartended some of their "bridge" nights.

" has anyone noticed that I'm the worst kind of storyteller? I keep remembering other things and digress farther and farther back, forgetting my original intent...and generally leaving you hanging? I've been reading my drivel and I noticed it."

Gosh...these little icons do nifty things!

My wife has had a slumber party so there's semidressed girls all over the apartment. It's time for me to walk to work...it's a beautiful morning...Mrs Neirgarth is puttering in her garden...the birds are singing...I had eye candy before I left and the world is good. My sidewalk is a long one and I'm strolling, I have time. Suddenly the apartment door SLAMS open and my wife is screaming at me...She is wearing a pink fluffy robe, with a pair of pink fluffy slippers, her hair is in HUGE pink rollers and she has that green face goop that women refer to as a "facial" spread so she looks like a green raccoon. She has a small, ancient, plaid suitcase and she winds up like a pitcher for the Tigers (they throw like girls) and tosses it...it lands at my feet ... this is amazing...it's a good 50 feet from the porch to my feet...quite a toss for a small woman. It lands and pops open and a selection of my clothes goes flying everywhere. Mrs Neirgarth is suddenly "extremely not interested in her garden" Jo SCREAMS..."And don't you ever come back you miserible blank blankit blank" and she goes back in the house, slamming the door so hard I worried about the glass. Mrs Neirgarth runs into the house and I can see speed dialing through her kitchen window..'I wonder who she could be calling at this hour?'

I mosey off to work...when I get there my boss hands me the phone..."Yes, Mom?" Yakkity yakkitty yak. "No, Mom." Yakkity yakkitty yak. "Yes, Mom." ( my boss has to leave the room...I can hear him laughing through 8 inches of concrete walls) Yakkity yakkitty yak. "I'll find out, Mom." Yakkity yakkitty yak. "When my shift is over, Mom." Yakkity yakkitty yak. "No, Mom. I can't go home now." Squwaak squaak squeek. "I'll ask, Mom." Click.

The boss is sitting on the floor in the elevator room...I think he's gonna have a stroke. "You can go home...I'll stay late." "Nope...I'll find out when I go home at 5" "You sure?" "Yup...we do this kind of thing to each other all the time."

5PM...I'm out the door...well not exactly...my relief wants to know what I did to Jo. (Don't ya just love small towns?)

I walk in the door...I said..."What?" The wife cracks up...the closet cracks up...I open the closet door and half the girls in town fall out on the floor...they're rolling...

(When I got out of bed and walked out to the kitchen and got distracted by the eyecandy... the bedroom closet exploded...they were all set...one put the rollers in Jo's hair...one spread the green goop...one slipped on the pink slippers and one stuck the robe on her. The day before Jo and the girls had gone to Salvation Sallys and bought the most rickety suitcase they could find. The upstairs neighbor contribuited the bed springs. They practiced stuffing the clothes on top of the springs and closing the suitcase and tossing it untill they were SURE it would open and spew clothes. When I walked out the door Jo was in the bedroom ready to run out and give Mrs Neirgarth the shock of her life) Jo said..."How long after you got to work did your mother call." I lost it!!

Edited May 21, 2011 by bajabuc

[Garufa]

[bajabuc]

Bows

[Guest J.D. Skull]

I'm addicted! This is better than "As The Stomach Turns". This is better any of the sitcoms on the boob tube.