Military Humor.

[Guest Letereat!]

Ok. Lets have em. Don't be shy.......Just let it RIP.

Here are two that I like, being a Former Squid an all, make that a polywog, never crossed "the line".

Rank Recognition, Navy

ADMIRAL:

Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

CAPTAIN:

Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

COMMANDER:

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

LT. COMMANDER:

Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT:

Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT jg:

Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.

ENSIGN:

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

CHIEF:

Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it,

HE IS GOD.

Comparison of courage

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said Army, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

Army calls a Private over from the tower. He tells the Private, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Private yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Hoo-ahh!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Marine growled. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Marine Corps were here," he said (yelling "Marine Corps!" as all Marines tend to do.)

He calls a Lance Corporal over. "Marine, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Corps proud!"

The Corporal yells, "Ooh-rah!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Semper Fi Do or Die!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the Marine are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Admiral says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face the Admiral, their faces in disbelief. The Admiral calls a Seaman over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Seaman looks the Admiral in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my ass first!" and walks off.

The Admiral turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S courage!"

Edited March 21, 2011 by Letereat!

[Guest Letereat!]

The tactful Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

[LagerHead]

A battalion of Marines is marching through a valley when they hear a whistle from up on a rock high up on a hill. They look up and see a single paratrooper sitting there flipping them the bird. The battalion CO calls for a platoon of Marines to go up and kill the SOB. So a platoon from A Co. runs up the hill after him. Just as they reach the paratrooper's rock he dives behind it and they chase him over it. All that can be seen and heard from down in the valley is screaming and body parts flying everywhere, after which the paratrooper resumes his perch on the rock and flips them the bird again.

The CO then calls for all of B Co. to go get him. So B Co. charges up the hill and again chase the paratrooper over the rock. Again there is screams of agony and blood and guts everywhere. And again the paratrooper sits back up on the rock. And again he gives them the finger.

So the CO orders the remainder of the battalion to go get him. So they all charge the hill and chase the paratrooper over the rock. Same thing. Except this time one lone PFC makes it out alive. Bloody and stumbling down the hill he yells to the CO, "Sir, it's a trap. There's two of 'em."

Airborne!

[tnhawk]

As two soldiers are exiting an airport restroom, the 2nd LT remarked, "In OCS, they taught us to wash our hands before leaving the latrine". The Sgt replied, "In NCO School, they taught us to not pee on our hands".

[Guest Letereat!]

The value of an Officer VS a NCO

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.

The little boy was playing with a pile of ****. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of ****?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of ****, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of ****, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough **** to build an officer"

[vontar]

The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass

and

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[LagerHead]

Go Uncle Bob!

[Handsome Rob]

One of THE funniest websites.....EVER!!!!

Skippy's List » Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

[LagerHead]

One of THE funniest websites.....EVER!!!!

Skippy's List » Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

Just read that whole list. Love it.

[BigK]

One of THE funniest websites.....EVER!!!!

Skippy's List » Skippy’s List: The 213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army

Just read that whole list. Love it.

Once I started, I could not stop either. Skippy is hilarious.

[msnow]

When I clicked the link, the page started to load and then my internet security blocked it. Maybe something, maybe not.

Matt

[Guest Letereat!]

When I clicked the link, the page started to load and then my internet security blocked it. Maybe something, maybe not.

Matt

I hope NOT, cause my Norton security suite didn't say squat. At any rate, thumbs up for ole "Uncle Bob". I have never heard of that guy, hilarious!

Why Rednecks Make Good Soldiers

Dear Ma & Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.

No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc...,

but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.

But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us.

If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board.

Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting.

I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.

And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

[Retired Navy GMC]

[Guest Letereat!]

There was a plackard on the Vulcan that said something close to this.

" Sr. Chief,Babysitter Of Ensigns, Captian of the enlisted Men."

A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief are off the flight line together for lunch.

While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usuThe USAF Chief Master Sgt.

A MSgt, a TSgt and a Chief are off the flight line together for lunch.

While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" Says the MSgt,

"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,

a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" Says the TSgt.

"I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,

an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman."

Poof! He's gone.

You're next, the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says,

"I want those two back on the flight line right after lunch."

[vontar]

I just have to add this one

US Army Ranks made easy..

A young Second Lieutenant approaches the crusty old CSM and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

The CSM replied, "It's history and tradition ... First we give you a gold bar representing that you are very valuable and also malleable. The silver bar also represents significant value, but is less malleable. When you make Captain, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Colonel you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a General, you are, obviously, a star. Does that answer your question?"

"Yes," said the Second Lieutenant, "but what about Majors and Lieutenant Colonels?"

"That goes waaaay back in history ... to the Garden of Eden even. You see we 've always covered our pricks with leaves."

[Guest Letereat!]

You see we 've always covered our pricks with leaves." originally posted by Vontar

LOL! Love those good ole occifer bashing jokes.

[Guest Letereat!]

Pilot's pre-launch brief off the carrier to his passenger

in a 2-place jet: "If anything goes wrong off the cat,

I'll say 'Eject Eject Eject'. If you say 'Huh?', you'll be

talking to yourself."

[Retired Navy GMC]

Which Service is the Best

A Soldier, Sailor, Airman and Marine got into an argument as to which service

was "the best." The arguing became so intense the four servicemen failed to

see an oncoming truck. They were struck and killed instantly.

Soon the servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates where they met St.

Peter. They decided only he could be the ultimate source of truth and

honesty. So, the four asked him, "St. Peter, which branch of the United

States Armed Forces is the best?" After a few moments he replied that he

could not answer that and would have to kick it up to God for an answer the

next time he saw Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on earth and

welcome to Heaven.

Some time later the four see St. Peter and remind him of the question they

had asked when first entering Heaven. Suddenly a sparkling white dove lands

on St. Peter's shoulder. there is a note, glistening with gold dust, in the

dove's beak. "This must be the answer from the Boss, let's see what it says."

He opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play

crescendos, and St. Peter reads aloud to the servicemen.

MEMORANDUM: FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY.

TO: Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines.

SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST.

Gentlemen, all branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and

noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being servicemen in the

United States Military represents a special calling warranting special

respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that.

Sincerely,

GOD, USN, Chief Petty Officer (Ret.)

[Guest mustangdave]

I was under the impression that GOD was a MASTER CHIEF...and still on Active Duty