A funny (TRUE!) story by a trying newcomer to the world of writing. (No gun content)

[TresMon]

"Weird name, but what can be in a name?" ----- By TresMon

So I normally drag my carcass out of bed at 4:50 am and go to the gym for the 5:30 am "spin" (stationary bike) class. I over slept this morning and missed it.Wanting to get more lean I promised myself I'd go to a/any cardio class this evening to make up for it.

So I get back to the gym at 6:45pm and look at the cardio class schedule. I see "Zumba" starts at 7pm sharp. "Fine" I decide, I'm doing "Zumba"

-**whatever that is.**

So I walk into the big cardio studio and notice quickly it is getting PACKED OUT out with women of all shapes and sizes, in varying TIGHTNESS of clothing.

The music starts, the door closes. A quick head count determines there's about 52 women...and me! Pretty quickly I figure out it is a cardio dance class! Oh fun!! : \

Shortly after that the instructor woman instructors screams "Squat way low, pretend your -but- is a magic marker and twitch ur hips like your drawing big slow circles on the floor!

THEY LAW!

I may have creole booty but I got this!!!!!! Watch -MY JUNK- girls!!! I heard a WHOLE LOT of snickering & giggling.

Redneck can hang ladies: CHECK DIS action! Sweat was pouring off me!

Honky got it! honky got it! honky got it! This aint EVEN right! These people are practicing freestlye sport competiton sex with their clothes on!!

Good gracious sakes alive it was kicking my rear. I think I used muscles God never intended me to use at all, much less -THAT- way!

I mean I was shaking my rear like I was trying to dislodge a frozen ovary and my estrogen levels depended on it!!!

Then she says "" Okay!!! Add in a shimmy!!""

Dang I got -NO- shimmy. I mean maybe if I had man boobs I could feel the rythm of the shimmy. But I don't so I just kinda improvised this super hip man gyration thang! Wooo-whoo!!!!!!!!!

Lawzy day I'm thinking! I'm glad I no longer go to the Baptist church, I get throwed out!

Then, in the heat of the battle, not to be outdone I (literally) yell "" Look at me! Imma gurl! Imma gurl!"" on that about 3/4 of the class crashed and burned in laughter.

So about the time I decide maybe I'm not the worst Zumba student in the world the instructor throws us another curve ball!

Now I'm supposed to shimmy, gyrate, keep up with this butt kickin dance step, draw circles on the floor with my -but- AND turn my whole body in a big circle, while keeping all these little a circles goin!.

I'm a 235 pound hunter for crying out loud!!!

I'm looking around for a gurney! Finally the song is over and she says "are we warmed up yet? " WARMED UP'S ASTHMA!! Any body got a defibrillator in their leotard????!!!!

Well I held my own for the hour long class. I kept waiting to knock women down like my butt was a bowling ball and them pins, but there was no foul or injury that I'm aware of. The poor little woman next to me was barely chest high to me.

I have laughed so hard all the way home and I am still now. Man it's good to laugh! I got a lot of pats on the back after class. Pure sympathy I'm thinking. I'm also thinking same time same place next week!

Here's what Zumba looks like. Evidently we were doing the extra naughty/embarrassing version though...

[gregintenn]

You, sir, are destined to be a writer. Great story. Thanks for sharing.

[TresMon]

Thanks!

I still laugh looking back!

[mav]

My body doesn't move that way. I would break something.

[Good_Steward]

lol - sounds like a cajun Patrick F. McManus.

[gregintenn]

I cancelled my subscription to Field and Stream when McManus retired. There's a definite place for a guy like that.

[TresMon]

Mcmanus is one of my all times favorites!

[-boatman-]

[Oh Shoot]

Can relate...among other stuff, I do a couple of water exercise sessions per week, 'bout half cardio half agility/strength. Bad back, can get more bang for my buck than same stuff done on dry land.

Generally me and 6-15 women, many who tend toward the plumper end of the spectrum than even moi.

I've come to think of them as my Chubby Harem in The Pool of Pain.

- OS

[TresMon]

Can relate...among other stuff, I do a couple of water exercise sessions per week, 'bout half cardio half agility/strength. Bad back, can get more bang for my buck than same stuff done on dry land.

Generally me and 6-15 women, many who tend toward the plumper end of the spectrum than even moi.

I've come to think of them as my Chubby Harem in The Pool of Pain.

- OS

Bah- hahahahaahah. Thats hilarious!