Dilemma... *warning rant about a woman*

[Punisher84]

Brother take this from someone your age who is already separated and probably heading for divorce. DO NOT MARRY HER! You will regret it I promise. My wife and I have had similar issues and it infects everything. Get out and find someone else. I know that sucks, but trust what we are all telling you.

As much as this may suck to hear if she is doing this suddenly she's doing it for one of two reasons:

1. She cheated on you and is hoping you did the same to make herself feel better.

2. She has her own doubts about marriage and that's manifesting to trust issues and insecurity.

[BigK]

At 24 yrs of age, being with a girl for 3 years is a big investment, especially since you've actually known her even longer than that. If you think about it, you've been with her for half of your adult life. I think you have to be just as sure you're willing to throw away that investment as you are that this behavior will continue.

You said it only started recently. Before you write her off as crazy, scrutinize your recent actions to see if anything could be mistrued as suspicious or radically different. For instance, if she was suddenly spending more time away from you, she's spending more money than usual on clothes/makeup/perfume to look good, she seems distracted/distant, less interested in you, etc. would you wonder if she was up to something? Also, if you are overly defensive about her prying into your stuff like that, it may have made her even more suspicious.

I may be way off base here, but nobody else would play devil's advocate.

Personally, I'm a very loyal, but private person and so is my wife. We aren't FB friends, don't read each others' texts to others, bank statements, etc., but we love/trust each other. So, if my wife started to exhibit the behavior you describe, I'd be more curious why or what I did to give her the wrong impression before I'd bail. Then again, you've been through this more than once with her, so it does sound kind of odd/obsessive/controlling.

[Guest BEARMAN]

All the above, Kegger my friend....then, you begin to go crazy as well.

The odds are not in your favor, with this little gal.

Everybody here can't be wrong, my brother.

Suffer no longer, the writing is on the wall.

-Bearman

[Erik88]

One thing to consider is this. If you marry her then it's a done deal..

but if you really don't want to give up on her completely then talk with her, postpone the wedding for a while and see if she improves. People can change..

Or take the advice from the guys on here that are much older than us and much wiser...walk away now.

[dats82]

I think you see a trend here. She does not trust you, and you say you have given her no reason she shouldn't. Either she has some serious issues she needs to deal with, or she is the one who is doing something she shouldn't. I hate this for you. I just got engaged recently myself, and I have tried to think about what I would do in this situation. I do not think I would hit the road yet, but I do think I would make it clear that the relationship will not advance until this issue is resolved. One way or the other, the is something going on that needs to be discovered and needs to be dealt with. In all sincerity, good luck to you sir.

[Guest Keinengel]

Paranoid/insecure chicks don't get any better over time. Trust what all the others have said and ditch her. I just left a 3 and a half year relationship with a woman who acted the same way. The ones you really need to watch out for are the ones who are so paranoid that they think you already are or have cheated on them so they run off and "retaliate".

It could be worse. You could be dating a sociopath.

[safeandsecure]

I've been married for 35 years to a (reasonably) sane woman. Even with her being (reasonably) sane, it ain't been easy. Never easy to live with someone else, no matter what anyone might say.

I have friends who have been married to INSANE women, jealous women, conniving women, controlling women, etc. Most are divorced. The rest are miserable.

I don't profess to know all the answers, but I am in total agreement with most of the above posts. If you are not POSITIVELY, ABSOLUTELY, SURE that you want to spend the rest of your life this way ... ... ... then DON'T. She's as good now as she'll ever be. Best I can tell, there ain't no "fixing" this kind of problem, other than distance. The farther away, the better.

PS. I don't know you, but I suspect that you deserve better than this ... ...

[dralarms]

As everyone else says here. Can't have love without trust. Been married for 25 years, we don't "check up" on each other. I don't go in her purse (even though she has said it's fine), she complains if I tell her to get something out of my wallet. We don't hide anything from each other and most of the time we work together day in and day out. When we are busy (self employed) we can be with each other 24 hrs a day for months. I am truley blessed with a wonderful woman, I love her more than life itself. if the 2 of you can say that then it will never last.

[bronco302]

Trust is everything,and from the way this is shaping up you've got nothing. My wife and I dated for three years also, been married for 31. Sorry man.

Joe W.

[Currently]

You can't fix crazy.

You cannot change another person, I don't care if you spend millions of dollars trying to do it. Only they have the power to change.

Expecting different results from the same behavior is the definition of insanity.

Things will not change, they will only get worse.

I was married for 5 years and my divorce set me back ten years financially and materially. Every pre-existing relationship I had before getting married was either destroyed or severely strained.

Being married to a control freak or someone constantly making up your mind will make you crazy.

Run ... run like hell and never look back.

Trust me.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Currently

[peejman]

What they said....

It's true that people can change, but only if they want to. The change itself takes a very long time and regaining the lost trust takes much longer. How long are you willing to wait?

I've been married for 10 years. My wife's not perfect and neither am I, but we make it work. She does things that drive me insane, I'm sure I do the same to her. Marriage is the hardest thing you'll ever love.

While I wouldn't sever all ties immediately, I'd tell her you're not ready to make a life-long commitment. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

[Guest Lester Weevils]

Patrick Henry made good comments.

To echo Think About It's devils advocate position-- Nobody is perfect, and if the worst problem one ever had was a woman checking phone records or emails out of morbid curiosity, then overall one might be luckier than average. The other extreme would be a woman who is entirely indifferent to anything you might be up to. Too indifferent to want to know about anything happening in yer life. "Oh you were diagnosed with cancer? Thats a shame. Look at the new curtains I got today."

The question would be whether this is the tip of the iceberg of something that will continue to worsen. Often they do worsen. Maybe not always. On an impending marriage, her girlfriends may be telling her about how all men are cheating dogs, giving HER cold feet.

Some folks pay the most attention to problems. If things are 90 percent OK, they only think about the 10 percent that is bad. If things are 99 percent OK, they only think about the 1 percent that is bad. If 99.9 percent OK, the nasty problem it that dang 0.1 percent that is bad. It is hard to live with someone who has that outlook on life. Nothing will make em happy. If there are not enough troubles in their own life, then out of desperation they have to start obsessing about far away disasters heard on the news.

Works both ways really. If it ain't gonna get any worse, and everything else is good with the gal, a little snooping ain't no big deal.

[G27]

It's not going to magically get better when you're married.

Remember, she's on her best behavior right now...

[Punisher84]

Patrick Henry made good comments.

To echo Think About It's devils advocate position-- Nobody is perfect, and if the worst problem one ever had was a woman checking phone records or emails out of morbid curiosity, then overall one might be luckier than average. The other extreme would be a woman who is entirely indifferent to anything you might be up to. Too indifferent to want to know about anything happening in yer life. "Oh you were diagnosed with cancer? Thats a shame. Look at the new curtains I got today."

The question would be whether this is the tip of the iceberg of something that will continue to worsen. Often they do worsen. Maybe not always. On an impending marriage, her girlfriends may be telling her about how all men are cheating dogs, giving HER cold feet.

Some folks pay the most attention to problems. If things are 90 percent OK, they only think about the 10 percent that is bad. If things are 99 percent OK, they only think about the 1 percent that is bad. If 99.9 percent OK, the nasty problem it that dang 0.1 percent that is bad. It is hard to live with someone who has that outlook on life. Nothing will make em happy. If there are not enough troubles in their own life, then out of desperation they have to start obsessing about far away disasters heard on the news.

Works both ways really. If it ain't gonna get any worse, and everything else is good with the gal, a little snooping ain't no big deal.

Said like a man who has never had a jealous, snooping significant other.

I'm sorry, but you have got to be kidding me with this...

Nobody is perfect, and if the worst problem one ever had was a woman checking phone records or emails out of morbid curiosity, then overall one might be luckier than average. The other extreme would be a woman who is entirely indifferent to anything you might be up to. Too indifferent to want to know about anything happening in yer life. "Oh you were diagnosed with cancer? Thats a shame. Look at the new curtains I got today."

That is a beyond ridiculous analogy. She's obviously insecure and nosy, not a sociopath with no emotions. If she likes snooping so much maybe she should go to the police academy and search vehicles until her heart is content. Here's the issue, if my wife had come to me and said "Hey I know I'm being silly, but you've been acting weird lately, is something up?" Not only would we have talked about it, but I'd have gladly offered proof on spot. "Check my phone, check my Facebook,etc" wouldn't have bothered me. When someone is going through your stuff, that's an issue.

[Guest Guy N. Cognito]

Before you heed the "dump her" calls, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation about her behavior. Demand real answers and make it clear what consequences await if she tries to duck the topic. Try to determine the real problem and what it will take to fix it. It may or may not work, but it's certainly better than the dump and run.

Of course...... She could just be upset that you post details about your relationship on the Internet ......

[Guest Lester Weevils]

Hi Punisher84

First wife was very anxious if I would have to go out of town one night or even glance in the general direction of another woman. She wouldn't snoop, but she was a nervous wreck about it. It was hard to put up with over time even though she didn't complain much. No way to put her mind to rest. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I was just sayin it can go all kinds of ways in a relationship, and snooping ain't the worst thing that can happen, if that is as bad as it gets. If my current wife (of 30 years) was interested enough to go thru my emails and appointments, I'd put her to work cleaning them up!

Current wife is almost an ideal combination of appropriate interest and benign neglect. Got no complaints. She is not the ideal person to discuss programming problems with. No quicker way to glaze over her eyes than discuss anything-computer-related. Or really anything related to boy toys. On the other hand I'm not a very good listener if the subject matter drifts into sewing, knitting, or cooking. We can generally agree that all politicians suck, income tax is evil, and that it would be better if we could get grass to grow in the back yard.

Some cultures and individuals really dig that jealousy thang. Some husbands and wives would be heart-broken if their partner stopped being insanely jealous. They would take it as a sign of waning affection. Some husbands and wives really enjoy arguing. It is the spice of the relationship.

Takes all kinds. But it is better to match insanely jealous men with insanely jealous women, and match easy-going men with easy-going women. Make everybody happier.

[Punisher84]

Before you heed the "dump her" calls, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation about her behavior. Demand real answers and make it clear what consequences await if she tries to duck the topic. Try to determine the real problem and what it will take to fix it. It may or may not work, but it's certainly better than the dump and run.

Of course...... She could just be upset that you post details about your relationship on the Internet ......

I guess you missed where he said he'd already talked to her several times and she continues to do it? I guess she can also see into the future since her behavior started before he ever posted this thread? Seriously man?

[Punisher84]

Hi Punisher84

First wife was very anxious if I would have to go out of town one night or even glance in the general direction of another woman. She wouldn't snoop, but she was a nervous wreck about it. It was hard to put up with over time even though she didn't complain much. No way to put her mind to rest. When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I was just sayin it can go all kinds of ways in a relationship, and snooping ain't the worst thing that can happen, if that is as bad as it gets. If my current wife (of 30 years) was interested enough to go thru my emails and appointments, I'd put her to work cleaning them up!

Current wife is almost an ideal combination of appropriate interest and benign neglect. Got no complaints. She is not the ideal person to discuss programming problems with. No quicker way to glaze over her eyes than discuss anything-computer-related. Or really anything related to boy toys. On the other hand I'm not a very good listener if the subject matter drifts into sewing, knitting, or cooking. We can generally agree that all politicians suck, income tax is evil, and that it would be better if we could get grass to grow in the back yard.

Some cultures and individuals really dig that jealousy thang. Some husbands and wives would be heart-broken if their partner stopped being insanely jealous. They would take it as a sign of waning affection. Some husbands and wives really enjoy arguing. It is the spice of the relationship.

Takes all kinds. But it is better to match insanely jealous men with insanely jealous women, and match easy-going men with easy-going women. Make everybody happier.

I get that. My thing is trust. Call it "being blissfully ignorant", but I deal with people who lie every night. I've gotten pretty good at detecting it. I don't need to snoop and I don't. If my wife goes out and bangs the neighborhood while I'm at work, so be it. I'll find out eventually, but I'm not going to waste my time digging through her personal stuff just because I have an insecurity about what MIGHT happen. I've got more important things to do.

Aside from my own personal experience with this, I had a friend whose girlfriend left him because he had "too many female friends". Didn't matter that the guy worked two jobs and was pretty much always with her in his downtime, she swore he was cheating. I firmly believe he's better off.

[Guest Guy N. Cognito]

I guess you missed where he said he'd already talked to her several times and she continues to do it? I guess she can also see into the future since her behavior started before he ever posted this thread? Seriously man?

Seriously, Chuckles.

If her behavior is new, then clearly something is driving it. Since Kegger doesn't seem to have gotten an answer as to the cause of the problem, I'm guessing that they haven't had a real serious, detailed conversation about it. I'm also guessing that she probably hasn't been told that the behavior may result in the end of the realtionship.

The adult thing to do here is to give her at least one opportunity to explain herself, with a full understanding of the consequences if she doesn't.

Furthermore, while my "posting on the Internet" comment was tounge in cheek, many people would consider such action a violation of trust. Remember, there are three sides to every story.....

[Punisher84]

Seriously, Chuckles.

If her behavior is new, then clearly something is driving it. Since Kegger doesn't seem to have gotten an answer as to the cause of the problem, I'm guessing that they haven't had a real serious, detailed conversation about it. I'm also guessing that she probably hasn't been told that the behavior may result in the end of the realtionship.

The adult thing to do here is to give her at least one opportunity to explain herself, with a full understanding of the consequences if she doesn't.

Furthermore, while my "posting on the Internet" comment was tounge in cheek, many people would consider such action a violation of trust. Remember, there are three sides to every story.....

Fair enough. If he hasn't given her the ultimatum, and IMO that's what it needs to be, then they do need to have that talk. I just don't see it going away. Something is driving her to be that suspicious. Assuming Kegger isn't bopping the ex or something, it definitely seems like she has her own doubts.

BTW what's up with "Chuckles"? That actually gave me a genuine laugh.

[Guest bkelm18]

Furthermore, while my "posting on the Internet" comment was tounge in cheek, many people would consider such action a violation of trust. Remember, there are three sides to every story.....

Suspicion about infidelity and a query for advice aren't exactly the same thing. There really isn't any implied trust when it comes to asking someone for advice. He certainly didn't delve into every nuance of their relationship. He asked for advice and provided the relevant details. It's kinda asinine to try and dive deeper into it without further information.

[Kegger]

Well I sat down and had a long conversation with her last night. I put my foot down, and told her that if this behavior continues it will be over, and I will not even consider coming back. I trust her, and she says she trusts me, so I just told her to prove it to me. We're not due to get married until late 2012 so I have plenty of time to see if this sinks in. If it doesn't, then tough tittie, hope she has good luck dating other people.

And on the couseling side, I suggested that as well and she is open to it, so we'll see how that goes as well.

[Erik88]

Well I sat down and had a long conversation with her last night. I put my foot down, and told her that if this behavior continues it will be over, and I will not even consider coming back. I trust her, and she says she trusts me, so I just told her to prove it to me. We're not due to get married until late 2012 so I have plenty of time to see if this sinks in. If it doesn't, then tough tittie, hope she has good luck dating other people.

And on the couseling side, I suggested that as well and she is open to it, so we'll see how that goes as well.

what was her explanation for going through your phone? If she trusts you she wouldn't be doing it.

[Guest Moody]

^ Sounds good, man.

In all honestly, my advice parallels alot of individuals that have already given theirs to you in this thread, but I will say, when it comes to "young love", being engaged, dealing with dishonesty, etc - I've been through it all, and at 31, I'm not too far away from you in age to know exactly what you're worried about, and your concerns. I'm glad that you sat down and talked to her, and that she's agreeable to seeing someone with you, and talking through these difficulties. Just have an open mind, but never keep your feelings reserved - you seem to be on the right track, but stand your ground (when you know that you're justified in stating your feelings), and take it day-by-day, and see where you sit. It's not a matter of making a checklist, for that "perfect change", but at the same time - anyone whom loves you, and cares about your feelings, will hear you out, and want to work through it.

Good luck, man. I'm currently married to the most wonderful woman, and I never thought that it would happen after all of the bull**** that I went through, and put up with for the last 10 or so years (not with her, but with others). It sounds like you all have a good foundation, that just needs some tweaking, like a good firearm, to run right (no pun, but it's funny, so I said it).

[Kegger]

I didn't want any explanations. I didn't ask for them either.

I just told her flat out, stop this , or I want the ring back. Seemed to have worked, I'll find out in the long run though.