Application to Date my Daughter

[Guest db99wj]

She's not old enough, but when that horrid time comes, this form will be the SOP.

It's long, but if you have a daughter, it is a good read. Some parts can be tailored to fit your preferences.

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by

a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No

If No, explain:

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain

____________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION

AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO

THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,

NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE

WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother's Signature

Father's

Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State

Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating:

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so

long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep

your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear

their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.

Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are

complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this

issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your

underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the

course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and

fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without

utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it

comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each

other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.

Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an

indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the

only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to

date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.

Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to

date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I

will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,

and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on

time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her

makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate

Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,

like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden

stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding

hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to

induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything

other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to

her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be

avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old

folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,

dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the

all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are

going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the

whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have shotguns, handguns, rifles, etc, a shovel, and five

acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the

sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice

paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my

head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my

daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car

with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a

clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then

return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged

face at the window is mine.

[saintsfanbrian]

I have heard this before. Make you a deal. My son can date your daughter. We have similar interests in both of them staying pure as long as possible....

My daughter on the other hand WILL NOT date with out an armed escort..

[creeky]

That is HILARIOUS!!! Not only did I LOL... I printed the sucker off!!!

BWahahahaaha!!!!!

[R1100R]

That is too funny!!! I have a 3 1/2 yo Daughter that I can't even comprehend fer

dating. Thanks for the mid afternoon laugh.

[Guest TargetShooter84]

LOL! Hmmm...I know a dad thats protective of his daughter...I think I will print that off! LOL!

[The Rabbi]

That was a relief. I thought, I know I'm in TN but even here no one is going to date his own daughter.

I plan on just telling the guy "ya know, I've got a shotgun AND a shovel and you'd never be missed."

[Marswolf]

Sounds as sensible as those who want a gun show transaction parking lot form.

[Guest BigJ45]

I have 200 acres and a bulldozer.

[Guest price g]

And never forget to tell the suitor you are not affraid to go back to prison.

[PackinMama]

All I can say is I'm glad I have a boy instead of a girl

[Bigiron]

My son has two daughters, and many guns, and can recognize BS at a great distance, as can many fathers.

[Guest canynracer]

its official, both of my daughters are going to HATE you...I printed it, and they will be grounded till they memorize each rule so they can recite them back to the boy as necessary....

I am also going to add that I will photocopy his DL, and everytime he picks her up, I need a box of .40cal, and she gets flowers.

while he waits, instead of changing my oil, he will be digging in my yard...

[strickj]

I need a box of .40cal, and she gets flowers.

WOW thats some good thinking.almost makes me want to have kids.almost i said almost!

[Guest GMCS(SW)]

My son is active duty Navy and he e-mailed me a copy of this the other day. Said he was going to use it when his daughter get's old enough to date. 35? BTW his daughter was born two weeks ago!

[Guest Halfpint]

As the "oldest cousin" in a very close family, I always stuck to:

"I have a shotgun, twenty-two acres, and access to heavy industrial digging equipment. Hurt my cousin, and I'll bury you so deep the worms can't find you."

. . . most of the time it got a laugh--nobody is ever really afraid of someone who's just four years older than they are.

[SkWaShDeM]

As the "oldest cousin" in a very close family, I always stuck to:

"I have a shotgun, twenty-two acres, and access to heavy industrial digging equipment. Hurt my cousin, and I'll bury you so deep the worms can't find you."

. . . most of the time it got a laugh--nobody is ever really afraid of someone who's just four years older than they are.

Convincing them of how serious you are is all in how you deliver the message. Cleaning the shotgun when they show up just isn't intimidating enough. Ask any of my four female cousins (14, 17, 17, and 28) how serious their boyfriends have thought I was when I said I knew about this convenient sinkhole out in grandma's back 40 after they drove up to find me shooting groundhogs off of grandma's front porch with my M4. I'm only male cousin in my family, someone's gotta look out for the girls. They've all got lousy taste in men.

[Guest gcrookston]

when my daughter started dating, I made a point of always cleaning a gun or my Harley when her date showed up. One guy said "Mr. Crookston, how many guns do you own?", I said, "just enough to make your life miserable if you don't behave yourself tonight and don't have her home by 10". He got back in his car and left.

I feel kinda bad about that now, he seemed like a good kid.

[Guest Halfpint]

Convincing them of how serious you are is all in how you deliver the message. [ . . . ] I'm only male cousin in my family, someone's gotta look out for the girls. They've all got lousy taste in men.

We definitely agree there--but after all, I said it got a laugh most of the time. As I've gotten older, my delivery techniques have improved.