Remember when it comes to Vodka, sip

[vontar]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of

vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry",.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Guest BEARMAN]

Awesome!

[-boatman-]

Funniest thing I have read lately!

[Guest mustangdave]

religion and humor...nice mixer...

[Guest db99wj]

As a Catholic........

Very funny!!! LOL:lol:

[Oh Shoot]

I remember well my buddy DT telling that joke in high school. He was the only one of his peer group who had memorized it, so it was one of "his" jokes.

- OS

ps: my fav priest joke:

Young golf nut priest had to do the early mass, one morning just wanted to golf more than do the mass, goes to head priest and begs off, claiming to be sick.

Slips off to golf course 75 miles away, where he's pretty sure nobody in the diocese would be, plays by himself, and has the absolute best round of his life, 5 birdies, two eagles, and a hole in one.

Looking down from on high, St. Peter looks at The Lord and says, "why are you letting him have the greatest game of his life, when he lied about being sick and dishonored you by ducking out of mass?"

God just chuckles and says, "So who can he tell?"

- OS

Edited November 8, 2010 by OhShoot

[Guest db99wj]

I remember well my buddy DT telling that joke in high school. He was the only one of his peer group who had memorized it, so it was one of "his" jokes.

- OS

ps: my fav priest joke:

Young golf nut priest had to do the early mass, one morning just wanted to golf more than do the mass, goes to head priest and begs off, claiming to be sick.

Slips off to golf course 75 miles away, where he's pretty sure nobody in the diocese would be, plays by himself, and has the absolute best round of his life, 5 birdies, two eagles, and a hole in one.

Looking down from on high, St. Peter looks at The Lord and says, "why are you letting him have the greatest game of his life, when he lied about being sick and dishonored you by ducking out of mass?"

God just chuckles and says, "So who can he tell?"

- OS

I'm sending that to the pastor of my church! If you don't mind!

[Oh Shoot]

I'm sending that to the pastor of my church! If you don't mind!

Sure, no copyright on it

One more:

Two nuns driving in SouthWest, run out of gas, walk back to old funky gas station in middle of nowhere. Guy has gas, but no can to put it in. The nuns rummage around, find an old bedpan in garbage heap that is still intact, get about half a gallon in it, carefully walk back to car.

Just as they are pouring it into tank, couple traveling priests happen to come by; as they pull over to see if can help, they see the nun pouring from the bedpan. One says to the other, "Now father, THAT'S faith!"

- OS

[raydog1]

LMAO!

Sent from my HTC Incredible using Tapatalk Pro

[vontar]

Here is one I heard years ago, used the internet to find it copy and paste.

***

There were three preachers: a Catholic, a Baptist, and a rabbi. They are all fishing out in the lake when all of a sudden the Baptist has to go to the bathroom. So he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back. Then all of a sudden the rabbi has to go, so he gets up and walks across the water, does his business, and comes back.

Then the Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water, so he swims back, gets back into the boat, looks up, and says, ''God, let me walk across the water.'' Then he tries again and falls into the water, so he swims back, tries again and he falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and says, ''Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?''

[G27]

My fav:

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb To temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said,

"Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"