TGO Joke Thread

[Rightwinger]

[lock n' load]

After their 11th child, an redneck couple decided that was enough little hillbillies, as they could not afford a larger bed. The husband went to his veterinarian (of course) and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in the South) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count... "1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

"6"

"7"

"8"

"9"

"10"

[ncomarc]

After their 11th child, an redneck couple decided that was enough little hillbillies, as they could not afford a larger bed. The husband went to his veterinarian (of course) and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in the South) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count... "1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

"6"

"7"

"8"

"9"

"10"

Nice one.

[Guest Randy]

How to start a fight....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

[Guest Randy]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[Guest Randy]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she

processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

[vontar]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back

out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned

on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?’

And that’s when the fight started …

[Harold]

If you're American before you enter the restroom, and if you're American after you leave the restroom, then what are you while you're inside the restroom?

European!

[kb4ns]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.The only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

[bubbiesdad]

The new preacher

The new preacher had his first sermon. He had the the spirit on him, preaching hell so hot you could feel the heat and a large number of conversions at the end of the sermon.

Shaking hands as everone was leaving he had several people tell him,"You know preacher, Tootie Greene needs to hear you."

After hearing all these people say this he asked the head deacon who this Tootie Greene was.

"Oh she's a pretty wild woman in these parts, she's led many a man astray." the deacon told him.

The next Sunday, while the deacon was handling the offering, the preacher and the song leader were sitting up behind the altar. A woman walked in, dressed in a short dress, enough make-up to make Tammy Faye look like a nun. She walks up to the front and sits down. The preacher can't help but notice that she is wearing no underwear.

He leans over and whispers to the song leader,"Brother, is that Tootie Greene?"

The song leader takes a look and says," No preacher, that's just the way the lights hitting it".

[vontar]

Vodka and the New Preacher

A new preacher at his first sermon was so nervous he could hardly speak. After wards he asked the a senior preacher how he had done.

He replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip".

So next Sunday he took the advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after sermon, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take and eat for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me,"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub- A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Raoul]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.The only seat left was taken by a well dressed middle-aged, French woman's poodle...

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.

HA!

[Guest mosinon]

A family is at the beach, having a nice summer vacation. One of the children walks up and says:

"Mommy, why is my name Lily?"

"When you were born someone sent lilies to the room. I don't how it happened but the vase tipped over and one of the lilies landed on your precious little head. So we named you lily."

Intrigued another daughter looks from her sand castle building and says:

"Is that why I'm called Rose?"

The mother replies

"YEs. When you were born we couldn't decide on a name. Then a rose petal floated down and landed on your head. We knew it was the perfect name. We have that rose petal in your baby book."

A third child walks up and says:

"LKGHOIERGH"

The dad yells:

"Cinderblock, get back in your cage "

[Guest mosinon]

Early one morning the cabin boy runs into the Captain's quarters and tells the Captain that a pirate ship has been spotted and it is coming their way.

The captain leisurely finishes his breakfast and calmly says "Fetch me my red shirt"

The ships meet and a terrible battle ensues. The pirates are eventually routed. The Captain returns to his quarters, changes his shirt and the day proceeds normally until sunset.

As the captain is eating dinner the cabin boy bursts into his room and says "Sir, two pirate ships have been spotted in the setting sun and they are heading this way!"

Ever calm the Captain chews his steak slowly, swallows and says "Fetch me my red shirt"

Another, more terrible, battle ensues. The crack crew and unflappable captain are able to repel the pirates who sail away to lick their wounds.

The cabin boy is helping the captain prepare for bed and in a moment of impertinence decides to ask the Captain about the red shirt.

"Every time there's a battle you ask for your red shirt Captain. Is the shirt enchanted?"

The Captain smiles and pats the young lad on the head. "My boy," He begins "There is no magic in the shirt" The captain continues "I wear a red shirt so that if I am wounded the men won't know. You see, any sign of blood will be hidden by the shirt, the men fear and respect me, as long they believe I can battle they will battle as well"

The next morning, before breakfast, the cabin boy throws open the door to the Captain's room. "Sir, ten pirate ships have been spotted and they are bearing down on us!"

Completely unfazed the Captain yawns, stretches and says:

"Fetch me my brown pants"

[Guest mosinon]

last one (all these are stolen btw)

Steve had suffered from blinding headaches for many years, since his late teens. He decided to try one last time to remedy his situation, and went to see a headache specialist.

The doctor said, "Good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Steve was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." Steve entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Steve' laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Steve admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Steve thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve and said, "Let's see .. 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."

Steve was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Steve adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Steve was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Steve's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2 E."

Steve was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Steve tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As Steve walked comfortably around the shop the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Steve thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Steve's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."

Steve laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. A 32 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[safeandsecure]

This was (supposedly) Abraham Lincoln's favorite story ... it's also long (but, i think, worth it ... ... especially now). Transcribed from an article first published in a Washington DC newspaper in the 1860's (so the story goes).

Once upon a time they was a king, and this king, he liked to go a-fishin. And since his favorite fishin hole was nigh on to his best gal's house, he usually wore his bestest clothes when he went a fishing.

So one day the king, he put on his bestest clothes and commenced to go a-fishin at his favorite fishin hole, which was nigh on to his best gal's house. And hit come on to rain, a clod-buster and a gully-washer, and the king's clothes got wetted and commenced to shrink. Then the king's best gal seen him, and she laughed at him, and the king was wroth.

So the king, he hired him a high-wage weather prophet for to prophet him the weather, and one day he says, "Prophet, I'm about to commence to go a-fishin, and I need to know iffen hit is a coming on to rain or not?" And the prophet says, "No, king, not even a sizzle-sozzle."

So the king he put on his bestest clothes and commenced to go a fishin at his favorite fishin hole which was nigh on to his best gal's house, when he met a farmer a-riding on a jackass on the road. And the farmer said to the king, "King ye'd best head on back to the castle, for hit's a coming on to rain cats and dogs purty soon."

The king replied to the farmer, "No, farmer, hit is going to be fair weather, for I've hired me a high-priced weather prophet for to prophet me the weather, and he 'lows as how hit ain't a-gonna rain, not even a sizzle-sozzle or a dust-settler."

So the farmer, he went on his way, and the king commenced on to his favorite fishin hole which was nigh on to his best gal's house. And sure enough, hit come on to rain, a stump-mover and a flood a-riviling Noah's, and the king's clothes was wetted and they shrinked, and the king's best gal seen him and she laughed, and the king was wroth.

So the king, he went back to the castle and he fired him his high-priced weather prophet, and he said for to send for that farmer. And when the farmer he got to the castle, the king said, "Farmer, I've fired me my high-priced weather prophet and I aim to hire you for to prophet me the weather." And the farmer said, "King, hit weren't me. Hit were my jackass. For when hit's a-coming on to rain, his ears lays and lops, and 'tuther day, they was a layin' and a lopin' as low as I've ever seen 'em lay and lop, and I knowed we was a-goin' to get a biggun."

And so the king said to the farmer, "Farmer, go home. I'll hire me the jackass."

And that's how it first happened. And the jackasses have held down all the high-wage govermit jobs ever since.

[res308]

A family is at the beach, having a nice summer vacation. One of the children walks up and says:

"Mommy, why is my name Lily?"

"When you were born someone sent lilies to the room. I don't how it happened but the vase tipped over and one of the lilies landed on your precious little head. So we named you lily."

Intrigued another daughter looks from her sand castle building and says:

"Is that why I'm called Rose?"

The mother replies

"YEs. When you were born we couldn't decide on a name. Then a rose petal floated down and landed on your head. We knew it was the perfect name. We have that rose petal in your baby book."

A third child walks up and says:

"LKGHOIERGH"

The dad yells:

"Cinderblock, get back in your cage "

I think I looked kind of funny just now, sitting in my patrol car, crying, and holding my mouth so I wouldn't spit out my dip!

[Guest mosinon]

I think I looked kind of funny just now, sitting in my patrol car, crying, and holding my mouth so I wouldn't spit out my dip!

For some reason that one kills me every time. I can't tell it out loud without cracking up.

[Guest SUNTZU]

A story from a bagpiper.

A HOMELESS MAN'S FUNERAL...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country outside of LaFollette, TN.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....

[dunndw]

I lost the Trivia Contest at the club last night by 1 point.

I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?”

(Apparently the correct answer was New Zealand)

[Il Duce]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.

Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'

The pastor shouted out 'cross.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'the old rugged cross.'

The pastor hollered out 'grace.' the congregation began to sing 'amazing grace, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'power.' the congregation sang 'there is power in the blood.'

The pastor said 'sex' the congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,

A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'precious memories.'

[Il Duce]

The news interviewed an 80-year-old lady who had just gotten married for the 4th timeThe interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Il Duce]

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,

"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

[Il Duce]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said

You'd be paying for her things, too."

[Il Duce]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said 'Screw the Preacher!'