TGO Joke Thread

[Worriedman]

A set of jumper cables walks in to the local spot, all sparky and kind of aggressive, slaps a clamp on the the bar and demands a drink.

Bartenders says "OK, but don't start anything."

[Chief07]

I heard Buckwheat from our gang converted to Islam...

Now he is called Kareeem of Wheat.

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court

has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States '

Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They

simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding

enough a**es to fill the stable.

...and that's the way it is....

[Guest SUNTZU]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping

through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old

now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,

''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first

started school''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . ..

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Raoul]

A woman in a hot-air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude..

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault

[Guest Lester Weevils]

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune to be made in thoroughbred racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the auction, however, the going prices were so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well enter it in a race. To his amazement, the donkey came in third! The following day, the papers read:

PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, the donkey won. The following day, the papers read:

PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was upset by this kind of publicity. He ordered the preacher to never again enter the donkey in a race. This time the papers read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was just too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in the convent. The newspaper headlines read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted when reading this, and upon recovering, ordered the nun to dispose of the donkey. She sold it to a local farmer for $10. The headlines read:

NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS

After reading this, they buried the bishop. The headlines read:

TOO MUCH ASS KILLS BISHOP

[vontar]

What is Red and Smells like Blue Paint?

Red Paint.

[kb4ns]

I heard that BP figured out a way to keep the leaking oil well in the Gulf from putting out so much. They put a wedding ring on it...

[LagerHead]

I heard that BP figured out a way to keep the leaking oil well in the Gulf from putting out so much. They put a wedding ring on it...

And fed it wedding cake.

[vontar]

Lol on the BP double whammy jokes.

[kb4ns]

A young Marine officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade,

but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, whichwere amputated. Since his hearing wasn't

impaired he remained in the Marine Corps.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the general was interviewing three Marines, prospects for his

headquarters staff.

The first was an aviator captain, and it was a great interview. At

the end of the interview the general asked him, "Do you notice

anything different about me?"

The young officer answered, "Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice

that you have no ears."

The general got very angry at his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a logistics Lieutenant, and he was even

better. The general then asked him the same question, "Do you notice

anything different about me?"

He replied sheepishly, "Well, Sir, you have no ears."

The general, now really pissed, threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Marine gunnery sergeant, an infantryman

and Staff NCO. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed

to know more than the two officers combined. The general wanted this

guy, and went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything

different about me?"

To his surprise the sergeant said, "Yes, Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The general was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly

observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know

that I wear contacts?" the General asked.

"Well, Sir," the gunny replied, "it's pretty hard to wear glasses with

no friggin’ ears."

[Raoul]

Good one kb. Sounds like an hornery old CSM I know.

[Guest Glock23ForMe]

Alright...

One of my friends was in Nashville Driving the other day, really not paying attention to what he was doing, and he rear-ended a guy at a red light, no big damage, just a tap.

The guy jumped out of the car and my friend noticed that he was a dwarf. My friend, astounded by what was happening, remained in his car till the guy came to his window and told him to roll it down.

My friend rolled his window down, said "Hey, man, sorry about that," when the Dwarf began to say, "Hey man! I'm not happy!"

After he said that, my friend asked, "Really, So Which one are you?"

[jeffmem]

A pirate walks into a bar, and the barkeep says "Excuse me, cap'n, but did you know that you've got your ship's wheel stuck in your pantaloons?"

"Aye," says the pirate, "that thing be drivin' me nuts! Aaargh!"

[kb4ns]

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..

Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.

Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”

Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am . When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?"

And she said:…………….. "Wear sunblock".

[Handsome Rob]

And she said:…………….. "Wear sunblock".

Bwwwwaaaaaaaaahahahahhahahahhahaha!!!1 I just lost my dip & half a beer on my laptop! That's the best one I've heard in years!

[vontar]

So a Marine and a soldier are in a public rest room and they both get done taking a leak. The Soldier washes his hands and the Marine just walks out with out washing his hands. Once outside the soldier says to the Marine, "In the Army they teach us to wash our hands after taking a leak."

The Marine replies back, "Well in the Marines they teach us not to piss on our hands."

[Guest 308Phantom]

A little girl asked her Dad, "How did the human race appear?"

The Dad answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children,

and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered,

"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said,

"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,

and mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered,

"Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family

and your mother told you about hers."

[Ebow1]

What did the egg say when it got put in a pot of boiling water?

It's gonna take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

[Guest Glock23ForMe]

What did the egg say when it got put in a pot of boiling water?

It's gonna take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.

Nice

[kb4ns]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because

he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay

with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with

his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened

to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all

night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,

hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened

to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his

snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's

man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "good

morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what

happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[Guest Jcochran88]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because

he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay

with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with

his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened

to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all

night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing,

hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened

to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his

snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's

man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "good

morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what

happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed,

patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[DUXBUSTER]

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday

for a look at the new Tacoma.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.

I wanted to sense that new "feel"

The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin)

sat in the passenger seat describing the truck

and all its "wonderful" options.

The seats were of particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt

in the winter and directed cool air

to your butt in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with his mind,

I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.

I explained that if it were a Democrat truck,

The seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...

Damn guy had no sense of humor.

[DUXBUSTER]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a glass of wine, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[DUXBUSTER]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. They boy is wearing a fire fighters helmet and the wagon is tied to a cat and a dog.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks mister" the boy says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices that the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Guest bigbovine]

OH HECK!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet Northern little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this .'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States