TGO Joke Thread

[Il Duce]

Post up cheesy or funny jokes, but I guess it needs to be clean too.

Why are there so many drunk astronauts?

Because all their computers have spacebars

[Good_Steward]

Cheesy jokes! I love 'em, there's another gun site that I used to frequent that had "Bad Joke Friday". Some real groaners:

String walks into a bar.......

String: "Bartender, gimme a drink."

Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve string in here."

String was very disappointed.

So, String goes outside where the bartender can't see him, ties himself in a knot, musses up his hair, and goes back into the bar........

String: "Bartender, gimme a drink."

Bartender: " Say,......aren't you that.....string....?"

String: "No, I'm a frayed knot...."

[Il Duce]

Deep In the woods, a trio of animals

were discussing who among them

was the most powerful.

"I am," said the hawk, "because

I can fly and swoop down

swiftly at my prey."

"I am," said the lion, "because

I am not only fleet,

but I have sharp teeth and claws."

"I am," said the skunk, " because

with a flick of my tail,

I can drive off the two of you."

Suddenly a hunter came over and

settled the debate by capturing them all,

hawk, lion, and stinker.

[Il Duce]

Two atoms are drinking at the bar. Suddenly one says to the other, "I've just lost one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" asks the other.

"Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."

[Ebow1]

An Italian scientist is researching frogs. He's got his frog, his laboratory and his clipboard. He commands the frog "jumppa frogga jumpaa". The frog jumps 40 feet. The scientist writes down, frog with 4 legs, 40 feet. CHOP! He chops off one of the frogs legs. He tells it again "jumppa frogga jumppa". The frog still jumps 30 feet. He writes down, frog with 3 legs, 30 feet. CHOP! He hacks off another one of the frog's legs and commands it again "jumppa frogga jumppa". The frog is still able to jump 20 feet. He writes down in his clipboard, frog with 2 legs, 20 feet. CHOP! He hacks off another leg and still tells the frog to jump. The one-legged frog is still able to jump 10 feet. He writes down, frog with 1 leg, 10 feet. CHOP! He cuts off the frogs fourth and final leg and still commands "jumppa frogga jumppa". The frog doesn't do a thing. The scientist writes down in his clipboard, frog with no legs is deaf.

Not trying to offend any Italians, just telling the joke as it was told to me.

[Il Duce]

ask not what your country can do for you, ask who in your country you can do

-President Clinton

[jgm219]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two shot of Jack.

He downs his while the giraffe licks his glass empty.

The giraffe falls over dead as a doornail and the man turns to leave.

The bartender says "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

Man says "Lion? That's a giraffe.”

[Il Duce]

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

[Il Duce]

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

[Ebow1]

Two nuns, a rabbi, a midget, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?".

[Il Duce]

The Idiots of the United States of America elect.....Barack Obama as the POTUS

[Guest fourspdRAT]

Three guys walked into a bar.

The fourth one ducked.

PS: How "clean" do these jokes have to be?

Edited May 30, 2010 by fourspdRAT

[Guest fourspdRAT]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa "

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

[Guest Jcochran88]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa "

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

Would be a lot funnier if not true!

[kb4ns]

A woman speeding over a bridge, late for work, gets pulled over by a cop parked just beyond the bridge operating radar.

After being stopped the cop asks the woman what her profession is and she replied "I'm a professional a**hole stretcher."

The cop, being curious, asks "Exactly what does a professional a**hole stretcher do?"

The driver explains that she starts with a small a**hole and continues to stretch it until it's six feet tall.

The cop asks the driver "What do you do with a six foot a**hole?"

The driver responds "Apparently, you give him a radar and park him behind a bridge."

[NextExit]

While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog

and a sheep and began a conversation.

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Indian: Look of shock

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and

takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Indian.

Horse: "Yes sir"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

[Il Duce]

for all i care the jokes could be the dirtiest thing on the planet. i figured some may take offense or there may be kids on here so i thought we may need to keep em clean. if not by all means post anything.

[Guest fourspdRAT]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue. My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?â€

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one! In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

*****************

A little boy comes down to breakfast.

Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig,so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk .'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, 'Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[Steelharp]

Not a joke, but:

Ecclesiastes 10 (New American Standard Bible)

2) A wise man's heart directs him toward the right, but the foolish man's heart directs him toward the left.

So... there... you... go.

[kb4ns]

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided

with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about

that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for

my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife

look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond

hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white

shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

[Guest fourspdRAT]

One day in a nursing home, old Mr. Smith goes up to a candy striper and says, "My penis died."

Deciding to humor him, the girl says "Oh, poor baby. I'm sorry to hear that."

Two days later the girl is making her rounds and sees Mr. Smith wandering the halls with his frank and beans hanging out.

"Mr. Smith!" she cries. "I thought you said your penis had died!"

"It did. Today's the viewing."

***************

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got nice house.'

[kb4ns]

This is a "heads up" for you guys who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts It's impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend if I can get by Walmart and pick up some more wallets.

So tell your friends to be careful.

[ftncityfatboy]

woman riding a bus with her baby, baby starts to cry and act up profusely. Old man sitting close buy says:

Old man: Hey, that baby's kinda spoiled aint it?

Woman: Nah, they all smell that way.....

[flyanything]

There was a Bear and a Rabbit going poo in the woods. The Bear says to the Rabbit, Do you have troube with Poo sticking to your fur? The Rabbit says No, So the Bear wiped his Butt with the Rabbit.

You can tell that one to your kids and watch the laughter.

[Guest proudsuthrner]

here's a dirty joke.. ready?

YOU fall into a huge puddle of mud

hope nobody takes offense to that one lol