How do you tell a friend he's being a Sh$thead?

[Alleycat72]

So normally I have no issues in this area,  but for some reason (probably because of his kids) I am having a hard time telling a friend he is slacking. He's already demonstrated his ability to affectively "hide the truth". However he doesn't do this when someone else is affected. I got him a job when he was in need, but hes in the bottom 40%. The company is not used to me recommending people and the first guy was someone the company was.....stunned and amazed at. The company will take someone no question asked if i recommend them. I had some reservations with this friend, but he is in a bad place and trying to get out. 

Do I destroy a friendship and guarantee his kids are taken care of " this assumes he takes the advise " by telling him he needs to get his s$%t together or do I stay out of it and possibly allow mom and step dad to take care of the kids future?

Edited January 20 by Alleycat72

[jpx2rk]

Tuff call, but you say he is upfront with other people when pointing out their shortcomings.  You could approach the topic as I'm saying this as a concerned friend, and trying to look out for the kids as well.  You just want the best for everybody,  but he has to do his fair share, if not more since he's an adult (?), and has kids to support. 

GL

[gregintenn]

Were I your friend and you confronted me in such a manner, I would be royally pizzed off at you. Later, I would likely really appreciate the fact you cared enough to say something. Is the long term gain worth the short term pain? You can answer that better than we can.

[Grayfox54]

If he really is a friend, don't hold back. He expects the truth from you. A smack up side the head probably wouldn't hurt either. 

[tacops]

You went out on a limb to vouch for him in order to secure employment.  He should respect and appreciate that enough to not be putting you in this position. I would be inclined to tell him to shape up, yet do it as though trying to help him meet expectations in the event he is not aware that he is sandbagging. He owes it to you, not the other way around.  I really wouldn't care if it hurt his feels.  But then I guess that might explain why I don't have many friends.

[Hozzie]

I tell my friends all of the time, If you (or I) can’t tell me (or you) what I (you) don’t want to hear you’re not really my friend. 
 

That doesn’t mean they will listen, but you did what you could.  The rest is on them. 

Edited January 19 by Hozzie

[gregintenn]

One of many reasons why I never recommend someone for a job. Were they worth a damn, they’d need no recommendation.

[Alleycat72]

His 1# issue is his kids. Everything else is secondary. I respect that. I would rather my kids hate me at Harvard rather than love me from the trailer park. 

[NoBanStan]

It sucks man, but sometimes men have to hear hard things. This means someone has to tell them. Maybe that's you or maybe that isn't. Could ruin your friendship or it may be the grease he needs to shape up. Tough choice man.

You obviously care about your boy, or you wouldn't help him or be asking some online folks their thoughts. That tells me you're doing from a good place.

I had a friend get lost in his bottle for awhile. One night I had it and I threatened to beat him senseless till he stopped. Surprisingly, my rage at him left its mark. Think I scared him real good. (I'm pretty easy going. Also, I didn't lay a hand on him). He straightened himself out.

Pray on it man. Sure can't hurt, right?

[BigK]

1 hour ago, Alleycat72 said:

So normally I have no issues in this area,  but for some reason (probably because of his kids) I am having a hard time telling a friend he is slacking. He's already demonstrated his ability to affectively "hide the truth". However he doesn't do this when someone else is affected. I got him a job when he was in need, but hes in the bottom 40%. The company is not used to me recommending people and the first guy was someone the company was.....stunned and amazed at. The company will take someone no question asked if i recommend them. I had some reservations with this friend, but he is in a bad place and trying to get out. 

Do I destroy a friendship and guarantee his kids are taken care of " this assumes he takes the advise " by telling him he needs to get his s$%t together or do I stay out of it and possibly allow mom and step dad to take care of the kids future?

I could be wrong, but I suspect you already have an idea what you think is right in this case. Doing nothing when you were the one who recommended him doesn't seem right. If he doesn't know he's underperforming, that might be why he was in need of your help to get the job to begin with. I pray a wakeup call from a good friend will keep him out of need in the future.

[Pain103]

Sometimes we need to be called out. If you think of this person as a friend, you want the best for them. Tell him, might be some stuff going on in his life and he needs to address it. Maybe the job isn't a fit for him, and he knows it but needs something to kickstart him to something different. 

[gregintenn]

1 hour ago, NoBanStan said:

 

Pray on it man. Sure can't hurt, right?

^^^CORRECT ANSWER!!!^^^

[peejman]

Good friends are compelled to hold each other up and call each other out as the needs arise.

It may take some thought, but you can be direct without being blunt. Only you your friend's personality and your relationship, and how best to approach it.

[DJTC45]

I've been in your shoes, recommended a friend to an employer for about the same reasons you did. One day the boss asked to talk to me, I was a little surprised when he started telling me about "Jed". When he was done talking to me about him I told the boss I would go and have a heart to heart talk with "Jed" and explain the situation to him and what would happen to him if he didn't get his act together. I told him to meet me after work because I wanted to talk to him. I told him everything the boss said and I also told him how I felt because I saw first handed what was told to me, I politely told him he would have to shape up and get his head out of his ass or he'd be kicking cans down the road after he was fired. I also explained that I took a chance on the recommendation for the job and his actions could effect me, after that little plain talk we had he actually did a 180° turn around, and the boss noticed that and they both thanked me for doing what I did. Good luck, and have a good straight forward talk with your friend and just spell it out to him.

[NoBanStan]

So did you tell him?

[Alleycat72]

6 minutes ago, NoBanStan said:

So did you tell him?

I'm working on that. He has recently met someone that has somewhat grounded him. I'm sitting here with fingers crossed. I'm a really good bad guy, but I really need to know it's necessary. I hope it's not necessary. 

[NoBanStan]

17 minutes ago, Alleycat72 said:

I'm working on that. He has recently met someone that has somewhat grounded him. I'm sitting here with fingers crossed. I'm a really good bad guy, but I really need to know it's necessary. I hope it's not necessary. 

Maybe you'll get lucky and it'll work itself out.