Guns and Their Restaurant Counterparts

[TGO David]

This is making the rounds on social media right now, but I realize that not everyone here is a fan of Facebook so you might not have seen it yet.   I'm posting it here just to share the joy.  Nothing that follows after this paragraph is my content.  Everything from this point forward, in this post, is the content of the original author - a guy named Logan Alexander Smith.

 

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So, people ask me a lot about what guns they should buy for themselves, and I tell them that we should just go together and look…but then we compare schedules and it’s clear that’s never going to work out and now we’re at an impasse.

So a little while ago I had this idea. This is a list of gun manufacturers, and the restaurant that I feel corresponds to them and their level of quality, social stigma, etc.

And I tell jokes. Enjoy!

 

 

 

Smith and Wesson / McDonald's

This is the standard against which all national food is gauged. You better be nicer than this if you don’t want to be looked down on. It’s a lot of people’s first experience with eating out. And to be perfectly frank, they have a HIGH standard of quality control that is nearly unparalleled.   A McDouble you buy in Tulsa, OK tastes exactly like the one you could eat in Chicago, IL and that one will be indistinguishable from the one you buy in Berlin, Germany. Maybe you can’t stunt on your friends by taking them here, but damnit it does its job well and it does it every time.

And it does a wider range of things well than most restaurants could hope to balance. From pancakes, to hamburgers, to fried chicken, salads in a big cup, fish, sometimes they have a McRib, and it’s all pretty good. REALLY good for what you’re paying for it.

They never really innovate; they wait and see what other chains are having success doing and then copy them (that Crispy Chicken Sandwich tastes a lot like Chick Fil A don’t it…) but when they add something to their menu it is good to go, and it is guaranteed to be up to their standards. Maybe customer service could use some work.

 

 

 

Glock / Chick-fil-A

Chick Fil A knows ONE trick. ONE. They have fried chicken cooked in peanut oil. You can eat that as nuggets, or on a bun, or whatever but if you eat at Chick Fil A, you’re getting fried chicken cooked in peanut oil.

No restaurant in the history of the Earth has been more reliably delicious than a Chick Fil A. They don’t mess up. And if they do, they will fix it for you so fast and so well that no one will ever know that they did.

Downside…they’re a little culty about it. Ok, maybe a lot culty about it. And so are the people who love them. And because of that, there are a lot of people who are culty about hating them. They also are gonna cost more than McDonalds across the board. And, not for nothing, they aren’t really gonna be blowing anybody’s skirt up after they’ve eaten there a few times.

“You want a pizza or a hamburger? Well, go somewhere else. We do Fried Chicken cooked in Peanut oil. That’s it.”

 

 

 

Ruger / Burger King

Burger King is pretty much doing exactly what McDonalds (Smith & Wesson) is doing a little slower and with kind of a quirky style. Customer Service is industry leading too. You can have it your way.

Burger King is also, like McDonalds, going to be waiting to see what is popular and then doing their own version, but you’re probably going to find yourself liking it a little better. You’re also going to get a wider range of quality offerings out of Burger King. If you want a Cheeseburger that costs a dollar, they got that. But if you want a cheeseburger that costs $15, they got that too.

Probably the only big hiccup Burger King is gonna have behind McDonalds is a little bit less quality control. Maybe your bun is a little doughy, maybe your fries are stale, etc. But hey, just go up to the counter. They’ll fix it for you with a big smile. You’re having it your way.

 

 

 

Taurus / Taco Bell

Taco Bell is delicious, but when you go you are REALLY rolling the dice. Maybe it’s a wonderful meal at an AMAZING price.

Maybe the food makes you sh*t your pants and die.

Just, definitely check your Taco Bell before you share it with guests.

 

 

 

 

Sig Sauer / Applebee's

This is probably the bottom rung that you can really show off and brag about (unless the person you’re bragging to is in the Chick Fil A cult.)  You could take a first date here and they wouldn’t bat an eye. And you can spend Chick Fil A money on your meal if you want, or you can buy a $40 steak and really stunt.

The problem is…Applebees isn’t really keeping up the quality control or customer service that they used to. You don’t necessarily want to try a new dish at Applebees the first month it comes out. You wanna wait and see what other people had to say about it when they ate it before you decide if you wanna roll the dice. Odds are Applebees is going to take it off the menu, rework it, and put it back on a few times before they get that really good version you’re gonna be happy with.

And, not for nothing, if they food poison you, even if they food poisoned you with that tried and tested $40 steak, they’re probably going to try and say it was somehow your fault unless you have some really ironclad evidence that they cooked it wrong.

 

 

 

Beretta / Olive Garden

This is event dining. This is reserved for your birthday, or anniversary. You’re gonna pay a little more, but they do have a $10 pizza or soup if you just absolutely can’t handle one of their main entrees. This is definitely a dining experience you can show off and look good for having selected. And it’s always gonna taste GREAT.

But man, the portions are big. You’re gonna feel it on your belly after you eat here. You might even kinda wish you’d gotten a lighter meal somewhere else instead, even if it wasn’t as fancy.

Also,

  ITALIA 

 

 

 

FN Herstal / Red Lobster

You can absolutely impress everyone you take with you with your choice of Red Lobster just like you can with Olive Garden.

But unlike Olive Garden…I don’t know…just never seems like the food you ordered justifies that bill does it? I paid so much…why is this not better? Why does my waiter seem pissed off that I’m here? Why are they so hostile when I bring up a problem? I didn’t get the order wrong, you did, and this dinner cost a hundred bucks. Don’t tell me you weren’t prepared for how many people came tonight, it’s this packed every time I’m in here.

Also, FN and Browning are the same company.

 

 

 

Heckler & Koch / Ruth's Chris Steak House

This is not a restaurant that dirty “poors” eat at, nor was it intended to be. These are for people who don’t need to be told they were supposed to wear a blazer or a dress to dinner, that’s just what they wear every day.

If it was feasible for this restaurant to only sell meals from a balcony looking down on everyone who bought their dinner at McDonalds or Burger King they absolutely would, and if the owners could get away with a Genocide of all the people who ordered Taco Bell they’d do it in a heartbeat. (They, *ahem*, have a history of helping with Genocides.)

But is the food good?

Dunno. I’ve never eaten here. Can’t afford it. 

 

 

 

Colt / Cracker Barrel

If you ask your grandpa where you should eat, he’s gonna say Cracker Barrel. And if you only consider his life experience, he’s probably right. The kind of food they serve at Cracker Barrel was the best food he’d ever had in his life back when he was in the war. It was the kind of food that made the Depression a little less hard on the South than the rest of the country, and when he thinks about his home…he thinks about Cracker Barrel.

Downside, Cracker Barrel knows he feels that way about it. So they’ve gotten WAY too comfortable phoning it in sometimes or leaving you standing out in the lobby FOREVER while you’re trying to eat there. You probably could order and finish 7 consecutive meals from Chick Fil A in the time it takes you just to get your hands on a plate from Cracker Barrel.

BUT, honest to god, when all the Cracker Barrel employees do the job like they’re supposed to, if the biscuits and drinks and refills are all where they’re supposed to be, when all the ingredients are good and fresh, If the waitress called you sweetheart and gave you that little pat on your shoulder and now the food is on the table in front of you, if ALL of that went the way it’s supposed to…god…there’s just nothing on earth as good as Cracker Barrel.

 

 

 

Remington / Waffle House

You know there’s a lot of people who look down on and mock Waffle House…but you’ve never actually met anyone who has ACTUALLY eaten at a Waffle House who has a bad thing to say about them. Everybody you know who eats at Waffle House LOVES the food they got at Waffle House. You know people who would pick Waffle House for their last meal with confidence.

And, Y’know, like, a lot of criminals work there. Ok, yeah. But where were YOU planning to get a delicious meal at a sit-down restaurant for this price?

That’s what I thought. 

 

 

 

Mossberg / Logan's Roadhouse

The food here costs more than Waffle House, and for some reason it doesn’t have that weird stigma like Waffle House does, but man this whole company is f**king crazy.

They’re totally cool with you throwing stuff all in the floor, and the line cook fights the managers and the waitresses like he’s defending some kind of title. Half the utensils you use are going to come in a bucket. Everyone you’ve ever met who worked for them sounds like they were a hairs breadth from blowing they’re brains out and if that waitress talks to you like that one more time you’re gonna go back there and hold her legs while the line cook pummels her and…

…damn…

…these Roadies are good, man! I’m eating here again tomorrow!

 

 

 

Hi-Point Firearms / Little Caesars

“It’s hot and ready.”

“…but is it, like, good?”

“We said it’s HOT and it’s READY.”

 

 

 

 

Springfield Armory / Panera Bread

So this one is just as culty as Chick Fil A, but on the TOTAL opposite end of the spectrum. And you’re gonna pay twice as much, and is it just me or is everyone who works for this company legitimately offended that I chose to come here? Also, they’re straight up lying about their food being locally grown and ethically sourced.

They’ll bend over backwards to make eating here convenient though. You can get food from here no problem, provided you’re willing to pay more, roll the dice on your order being wrong, and then don’t count on getting any assistance fixing it.

 

 

 

Walther / Ruby Tuesday

You definitely have friends who say this is their favorite restaurant, but you’ve never actually seen them or anybody else eating here. You definitely haven’t eaten here.

Someone must be though, cause you see them every now and again. You should really try it, I’ll bet it’s good.

….eh, nah. Let’s just go to Chick Fil A. 

 

 

 

Kel-Tec / Chipotle

There are three kinds of people in the world:

1. People who have never eaten at Chipotle. Maybe never even heard of it. There’s not a lot of them where they live.

2. People who were almost killed by a meal they got at Chipotle and would sooner eat inside of an active dumpster fire than go eat at a Chipotle again.

3. A guy you know from the office who seemingly only eats at Chipotle and if you send him out to pick up lunch…he’s bringing back Chipotle. 

 

 

 

 

CZ / Cheddar's Casual Cafe

Ok, look. Cheddars is DELICIOUS. It’s so good.

But, c’mon man. Nothing is as good as that guy acts like Cheddars is. Reel it in, man. You’re over selling this.

Pretty damn good though. 

 

 

 

Kimber / IHOP

This is a restaurant for people who wanted to eat at Cracker Barrel but for one reason or another ended up at IHOP instead.

Maybe they have decided they don’t want the stigma of eating at their Grand Pa’s favorite restaurant, or maybe Cracker Barrel was just packed or closed. Whatever the reason, You’re gonna pay the same price, and you’re not going to enjoy your customer service experience. BUT, there are some neat modern additions they’ve made to their pancakes that you aren’t gonna find at Cracker Barrel, and it is a HUGE plus that IHOP is open 24/7 and you never really have to wait for a table.

You can pretty much go get some IHOP any time you want it. 

 

 

 

Random Imported Guns / Chinese Restaurants

And to wrap up, any rando imported guns of any kind are like getting Chinese Take out.

It could be the most delicious meal you’ve ever had in your life, a plate passed down using the same artistry that has been taught generation to generation down the ages to you. Or you could sh*t your pants and die. And sometimes the same place can serve you the same dish that was delicious the last time you got it and now it’s rancid. And sometimes it tastes delicious for a while and then turns on you later. Dunno.

One way or another, you eat it, you’re gonna find out. 

[Spots]

Can confirm. Colt/Cracker Barrel is spot on and they are both my favorites. 

[hipower]

Well...that was interesting, informative, and possibly (likely) true.

[pop pop]

Like the contenet.

[Grunt67]

I'll have the Walther & Ruby Tuesdays.

[RED333]

I have been In every one of those kitchens at one time or another in the past 20 years. I could tell you horror stories.

[MacGyver]

I've got a lot to say...

Most if it at probably borders on defamation - so I guess I should keep it to myself.

[TGO David]

1 hour ago, TGO David said:

If it was feasible for this restaurant to only sell meals from a balcony looking down on everyone who bought their dinner at McDonalds or Burger King, they absolutely would

This line had me wiping tears from my eyes.  Good stuff. 

[Chucktshoes]

It’s HOT, and it’s READY!

[Grayfox54]

Interesting, but I can't say I completely agree with him.  

[papa61]

TAURUS/OUTBACK

A little different menu from "somewhere" else. Service is usually top notch and you can get some really good food if you order right.

The difference between Colt and Cracker Barrel is huge, I can afford to eat at Cracker Barrel and it impresses no one I know.

OH! STAR is my Waffle house. Low cost, people look down their noses at it but it's good even if it adds weight.

Edited December 30, 2021 by papa61

[TGO David]

4 hours ago, Grayfox54 said:

Interesting, but I can't say I completely agree with him.  

Which one hit too close to home? 

For me it was Glock.  But I feel like while I am a card-carrying member of the faith, I am prone to visiting other churches. 

[10-Ring]

Whoever wrote that thinks a lot more of McDonald's, or a lot less of Smith and Wesson than I do. 

[Grayfox54]

1 hour ago, TGO David said:

Which one hit too close to home? 

He has a much higher opinion of McDonalds than I do. I think that S&W is closer to a nice sit down restaurant like Longhorn Steak House. 

I also think much higher of Springfield Armory. I ate at Panera Bread once. Never bothered to go back. I own a bunch of Springfields.  

Kimbers are overrated and over priced. I like IHOP and their prices are reasonable.  No comparison at all.  

[phiferran]

The Taurus/Taco Bell comparison was hilarious. I’ll admit I fall into the Glock/Chick Fil A category.  

[memphismason]

Spot on.  

 

The Taurus/Taco Bell one made me laugh out loud. 

[gregintenn]

2 hours ago, 10-Ring said:

Whoever wrote that thinks a lot more of McDonald's, or a lot less of Smith and Wesson than I do. 

Amen! McDonalds should have been the Glock partner.

[superduty]

I loved reading this. The Glock thing was great. I will say, I give Taurus a bit more respect.  I've never had one problem, not once.

[10-Ring]

11 hours ago, gregintenn said:

Amen! McDonalds should have been the Glock partner.

I would say Hi Point, but Hi Point is more fitting for Little Caesars, because even though it's low quality pizza, at least it's hot. 

Edited December 31, 2021 by 10-Ring

[gregintenn]

1 hour ago, 10-Ring said:

I would say Hi Point, but Hi Point is more fitting for Little Caesars, because even though it's low quality pizza, at least it's hot. 

Hi Point=CiCi’s

When you’re broke, but you still gotta eat.

[Erik88]

15 minutes ago, gregintenn said:

Hi Point=CiCi’s

When you’re broke, but you still gotta eat.

Or Krystal. I don't know how they are still in business. 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Erik88

[gregintenn]

Just now, Erik88 said:

Or Krystal. I don't know how they are still in business. 

I like Krystal.

[10-Ring]

9 minutes ago, Erik88 said:

Or Krystal. I don't know how they are still in business. 

 

8 minutes ago, gregintenn said:

I like Krystal.

I really like Krystal too, but you can't eat there if you are broke.  Last time I went through there I paid almost $10 for 6 Krystals. 

[bobsguns]

On 12/31/2021 at 9:24 AM, Erik88 said:

Or Krystal. I don't know how they are still in business. 

Drunks & high school kids.

Besides, who doesn't like explosive diarrhea?  

[gregintenn]

13 minutes ago, bobsguns said:

Drunks & high school kids.

Besides, who doesn't like explosive diarrhea?  

In by 10, out by 2! That’s what a dumbass who used to work for me always said about Krystals.