My Mother Passed

[Murgatroy]

I mentioned it, in passing previously. My mother passed. It was a stressed and estranged situation. There is at least one here I have discussed the relationship with in depth as he has experienced similar. I suppose what is bothering me more than anything is my lack of ability to grieve. I understand that the majority of humanity had parents that sought to protect and raise them, I was not a member of the majority. It has been several weeks, and I am not a vocal, or emotional person. I like the anonymity of the interwebs for that fact. Here I am who I am. Not who I pretend to be. In life I am a highly successful and put together cat. My wife has noticed a crack in the last few weeks. But she hasn't pressed the issue. I am good at what I do. I don't have many flaws. But I did not have the white picket fence my current self would lead others to believe. Even in my honesty.

My mother died. I am the oldest of six. I was the only one there. I stepped up after failures and paid for and arranged everything. I have achieved my childhood dream of having my mother's body in my trunk. I don't know what do to after that fact beyond not doing something I will regret. I have written off the 'family farm.' I have written off my siblings. 

I would die before my heathen experienced the life that molded me. And that is possibly what grieves me the most. I am who I am for what I have experienced.

I once wrote to Dear Prudence for advice, and she thankfully confirmed that what I have accomplished was me, no guilt. But I can't lie, I still feel guilt.  I have a homeless sibling, two in jail/prison, a victim of the welfare system and a full blown alcoholic failure. Is it guilt I feel at being successful and accomplished?

Think of the worst of the worst, and that was my life. My first suggestion for my mother's occupation on her death certificate was 'drug addict whore.' We settled on CNA after the realization that 'Homemaker' was just as much of an insult. After all, she did work as a CNA for a week or two.

It is times like this that I wish that I could forget it all. I came up through the foster care system. Why do I care about the other life? Why does every bad decision in my life haunt me? Why does every good decision in my life bring into sharp contrast the bad decisions?

I am not seeking sympathy. I am not seeking support. I don't know what I am seeking. I do know that I have to get this off my chest. 

I spent the weekend with my mother's last boyfriend, he would have been her fourth husband, but they never married. As such they lasted twenty years. He is a hell of man. My daughter calls him Papaw. He is proud my me. And I love him as my father. He knows this now. Of that I am proud. Of my heathen I am proud. Of my wife, I am proud. Of my house, cars, dogs, guns, and guitars I am proud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2017 by Murgatroy

[Oh Shoot]

Thanks for the honest introspection, but don't let it abase you in any way. Life is messy and complicated period, for you obviously especially so. Be proud you've risen above a morass that could have easily sucked you down into it for good.

Peace out,

OS

[MacGyver]

Man, I’m sorry! I really mean that. 

Despite the sum of your experience to this point, here you are. And, people in your life are better for having you - shaped by that experience - in theirs. 

Don’t waste the gift.  

I expect your future has more to this story. I’m pulling for you.

 

[hipower]

My condolences friend. When all is said and done...she was still your mother. That doesn't change the life you had, and didn't have with her. The loss is still a part of you and your life. Grieve in your own way and at the time of your choosing. And grieve you will. Not because of the loss now, but because you are a human being with feelings that are with you and will come out at some point. Because you are human, and because you did what was necessary at the time, you show compassion for her. And you show intelligence recognizing in yourself how you were shaped by your mother to become what you are today.

[Omega]

I've been asked if there was anything that I would change if I could about my past, and the answer is always no.  Though my past is not comparable to yours, it too shaped who I am, and I'm comfortable with that. You did a good thing, take pride in that; you seem to of overcame many difficulties, that is something to be proud of as well.  

[Grand Torino]

My condolences to you and never be ashamed or discouraged to what you've accomplished. I learned years ago siblings and for that matter parents are just people and grow with their own set of rules and morals once they've reached a certain age. I also realized I'm neither at fault or responsible for others shortcomings...just my own.

[Dolomite_supafly]

We have spoke and have similar feelings regarding our families. My mother and father are still alive and I am sure I am going to regret not talking with them for 9 years now but I cannot pretend nothing is or ever was wrong.

I will say I am who I am because of my parents mostly because they were who I did not want to be. My father, an alcoholic, abused me until I outgrew him then the emotional torment started. I drive by their house every single day, not because I want to but because I have to, and it used to dredge up some awful feelings. It often reminded me of all the bad things that has happened to my family and I. But as of late I have been able to see them without getting sick from hate and without my thoughts wandering to all the bad things. Perhaps, one day, I will be able to forgive them and I hope it is before they die but I am not sure it is possible.

I am sure we could write volumes regarding our experiences but for me I am hoping all those bad memories die with me.

Look to the future and do not dwell too much on the past. The past is where is where it should be and the only thing that matters is what do from this very second forward. If you dwell on the past it will eat you up, Lord knows it has and still does eat at me almost daily. I have often used the past as the excuse for my failures but in retrospect it was my past that have lead to more successes than failures. My biggest motivator in my adult life was my parents because I did not want to be like them. But no matter how hard I try, some of them comes out of me. Fortunately I am now able to chose which parts I let come out so it is only the good parts now.

Take the good parts of your mother, hold them tight in your memories and speak highly of those good things. It will be those good things that your daughter will carry, and use, as motivation to do good like you. But in doing so you must also let the bad parts fade away because if not it will eat at you and consume you. If only for a moment she wanted to be a nurse, presumably to help people, and in knowing you I am sure she did influence you in some way because you do, and have, helped others more than most these days. Be glad that your child will not know the same things you have known.

You have my number, call anytime my friend.

Edited December 13, 2017 by Dolomite_supafly

[peejman]

Wow. I have little to offer that hasn't already been said. You succeeded in spite of great adversity, that's something to be celebrated. 

Sharing your experience might be cathartic. I'm sure many foster kids are currently living through very similar circumstances.  You could relate your experiences and show them the light at the end of the tunnel.  Now may not be the time, but taking your bad experiences and using them for good could help you find peace. 

[gregintenn]

Never let anyone make you feel guilt for your success. You and you alone earned it. You are proof your siblings could do the same were they so inclined. Were it easy, everyone would do it.

You can't change the past, so don't dwell on it.

Edited December 13, 2017 by gregintenn

[bersaguy]

I will say this and not say much else. I had  2 parents that raised 5 sons. I am 4 of 5. My father was not around a lot because he was a truck driver over the road so much of the raising was left to my mother. If there is one thing that remains in my memory of her was her temper. With that said at the age of 6 my mother got mad at me for bouncing a rubber ball in the house. I was in short pants cause it was summer and had no shirt on. She grabbed me and put me in a kitchen chair and took a 6 foot rubber coated extension cord and whipped me from my head to my feet stood me up and whipped my back and slammed me back down in the chair. Went to a kitchen drawer, pilled out a butcher knife and put it in my face. Her words to me were , You Little Son of a bit-ch, I brought you in this damn world and I can take you out of it. From that day until the day I learned she died in a house fire I never liked my mother. I loved her out of respect that she gave me life but I ever liked her ever again. I did not attend her funeral and I visit her grave because she is buried with my father which I dearly loved and respected. The only one of my siblings I spoke with was my oldest brother and he died 4 years ago. I don't know if any of the rest of them are alive or dead and really don't care as none of us have spoke in more than 10+ years. 

I do kind of know kind of where you are coming from Murgatroy but you have made a life for your family that is good and you are doing what you need to do right now and that is to vent!!! Talk about it, get what is locked inside you out and it will help. I know I kept stuff locked inside and when I was finally able to vent it was like the world was lifted off my shoulders. Hope it will work for you also. Venting is not asking for pity!!! It is getting stuff off your chest so you can make life even better in the future..............JMHO       

[MacGyver]

I just reread your post.

Your feeling like you can't grieve this woman is completely rational and normal. Doesn't seem like she deserves that from you.  But, maybe what you're really feeling despondent over is the fact that you didn't have a relationship that a son should with his mom.  That you can grieve - and feel justified in doing so. 

And, that's something you can do something about.  You can make a list of the things that you would have liked to have had in that relationship - and you and your wife can ensure that your kid is not deprived of those.

The sibling issue is tough. You want to have some kind of relationship - but feel like they'll try to drag you down to their level.  That's really hard.

I'll definitely keep you guys in my prayers.

[Sidecarist]

Many others here have had very wise words for you. I agree with all of it and will add...

The fact that you have made yourself a success regardless of your childhood relationships and experiences shows the strength and resilience of humankind. Grieving will come for you in time and in your own way. Have faith in yourself and the family that you have nurtured. If you have faith in god lean on that as well.

I went through parts of this with my parents death, and am estranged from my only brother by his actions. I can not control others, I can act honorably in my life and do my best to do so. It sounds to me that you have acted honorably towards others, and for that you have my respect. To be honorable in the face of adversity is difficult but it is a noble goal. Your siblings like mine have the option of trying to reach out to you and be honorable about it. Their place in this world in not your fault and carry no guilt for it. I did not make my brother who he is, but if he approached me and had straightened his life up I would forgive him. I have not rejected him, but rather his path in life is destructive and I had to choose between traveling it with him, or choosing my own path. We are individuals and I chose not to follow him and I have a good life because of it. I have no guilt, and as long as he didn't threaten me or my family I could offer forgiveness. These are VERY personal decisions, only you can make them. My two cents is that you shouldn't carry guilt for doing right when others chose not to.

Thanks for sharing your feelings here I hope it has helped you and it will likely help others that you may never know about. Do not despair but take joy in what you have accomplished in life and in your family that has not had to suffer what you did because of your hard work.

[Trekbike]

There's not much I can add based on what others have said, except one piece of advice, if it's applicable.   I say applicable because it wasn't mentioned in your post so I have no idea of the current situation.   Hopefully your wife's mother is still alive and there is a good relationship in place.  (If not, then the following obviously doesn't apply.)   If there is, try extra hard to help foster an even stronger bond/relationship with your daughter and your wife's mother.    You can't force a relationship to grow, you can only afford the opportunity for it to grow.    Thankfully I've had the pleasure to witness how much of an influence for good that a grandmother can provide to her granddaughter, even long after the grandmother passes.    While that advice doesn't change your situation, it might be helpful as you continue to build a better life for your family.   Keep the faith and stay strong.    

[Raoul]

Condolences. Lot mine last year.

[bigun]

All I can add is my prayers

 

[res308]

Murgatroy, I am not good with words, but I hope words can help. First off, and most importantly to me, I'll be praying for you and your family. If it were not for prayer, and for God who just refused to abandon me, I don't believe I would be here. 

I had a "grandmother" on my mother's side who I believe was completely evil. My "grandfather" on my father's side, well I'm not even sure if he's still alive or not. The first of only two times I met him was the first time Dad had seen him in 25 years.  I have no contact with my brother. His choice not mine. I do know that he lives in Idaho now. My Dad was locked away in his own world, a world of deep depression, most of the time I was growing up. Might have been what we call PTSD now. Dunno. Never really had much of a relationship with him for a long time. 

One day I decided to put an end to that. Didn't have anything to lose so I went for it and decided to forge a relationship with Dad out of the coals of nothing. It took a while, but it worked. 

I had also decided early on that my boys were NOT going to grow up like I did. They would never have to question whether or not their daddy loved them. 

There is a history of rejection and abandonment in this family. I chose to not let that generational curse continue. And it sounds like you are doing the same thing.

The fact that you grew up in the foster system was not your choice. The fact that your mother chose not to have a relationship with you was not your choice. The fact that your siblings chose a bad life was not your choice.

But you have made other, wiser choices. You have chosen to not allow your child to have to live under that curse.  

I don't know you. But others here apparently do, and I can tell by their words that you must be an upright man. We all have our flaws, but that is the case if we are still breathing air. But you did not become your past. You became your child's future. And for that I applaud you.

There is no need to feel guilt for rising up from the quagmire that could have been your life, and just as importantly, your immediate family's life, and making the choice to walk in an upright and honorable way.

There are different forms of grief, and I believe you are grieving now. You may soon grieve in a different way, or on a different level, but I don't know. Either way, try not to feel guilty for the way you think you ought to be grieving. Just let it come in it's own time.

Your post has brought some things to the forefront for me, and I thank you for that. Reading all the responses here has helped me a great deal, for which I am also thankful.

May the God of Heaven bless you and keep you. And if you do not know Him, I REALLY hope you get to know Him soon. For in that you will find an indescribable peace, and you will see a future and a hope.

 

[leroy]

22 hours ago, Oh Shoot said:

Thanks for the honest introspection, but don't let it abase you in any way. Life is messy and complicated period, for you obviously especially so. Be proud you've risen above a morass that could have easily sucked you down into it for good.

Peace out,

OS

Whatta truth...

Well said Brother... We are what we are... You chose to rise above what others decided to say in... You have done well; that is not a bad thing, and you shouldn't think it is... You cannot change what was and what is... 

We are thinking of you Brother...

leroy...