Need a break seriously

[john455]

Some of you on here know my situation with my Mother, but for those who don't.

My mother has lived with me for 4 years now, she is 76 and has dementia, at first she was fairly self sufficient, but as she gets worse it puts more and more of a burden on my wife and I. She is now at the point where she can't be left alone at home at all, without fear of her hurting herself or burning the house down. I bought my first gun safe after waking up and walking into the living room in the middle of the night to find her pointing my luckily unloaded .357 magnum at me and pulling the trigger because she didn't know who I was. 

I have a brother and sister who never come and see her or offer any type of help,When I use to ask they would say they didn't want to ruin their memories of her.

With that said I want to ask if anyone on here knows of a website or program that I could contact in East TN (Newport area) that helps caregivers by sitting with the dementia patient for a couple of hours, so my wife and I could just get a small break once a week or something? I have googled it and looked on the internet but all that did was confuse the crap out of me, I have asked her Dr and she set up a home nurse to come out but they just work on memory stuff and I have to stay with her the whole time. 

 Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated 

[peejman]

My neighbor has similar issues with her mother, though her dementia is quite mild. They had a nursing/eldercare service come sit with her occasionally, but after another neighbor found her wandering around the subdivision with no idea who or where she was, they've moved her to an assisted care facility. Sounds like you might be getting to that point. Caring for someone with advanced dementia 24/7 is rough. I'll ask who the sitter service was through. 

[Grand Torino]

I can relate...the missus and I did that for just over 5 years for her mother until it was just too much anymore. It sounds like you and your wife have about reached that point yourselves. At any rate I feel for you and unfortunately I can offer you no help. We finally put my MIL in an assisted living facility and visited every day. It's the best we could do.

[RED333]

2 minutes ago, peejman said:

they've moved her to an assisted care facility.

My Mon and Dad still have their minds so far, we have talked about this very subject. It is a tuff row to ho to have to put a family member in a place they need to be but do not want to be there.

[TNBuckeye]

It is a tough calling for sure but can also be a rewarding too once the race has been run. My wife and I are also involved in a situation that could develop into one like the one you are facing.

I would add a couple things:

1. I happen to work for a national company that provides exactly the type of care you are talking about. I will PM a contact closer to you to speak with. They may not be able to serve Newport but they can answer that and regardless can be a good resource for information on options, programs, etc in East TN.

2. Seek out family caregiver support groups via churches, facilities, etc. You all need the support they can provide you.

3. One funding option that might apply, and that very few know about, is for veterans and surviving spouses, and is called the Aid and Attendance benefit. Like anything with the government it involves a slow application process and it is income and asset based. Worth looking at potentially!


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[quickbiscuit]

Is she on or eligible for TennCare?  That can open up a lot of options that would otherwise be cost prohibitive for most families.  Since nursing home care is so expensive, TennCare will even rent a home and employ a caretaker if the criteria is met.  That's called the Choices program.  I just went through some of this with a relative that I see after.

[xsubsailor]

 Give these folks a call. It's a free service and they should be able to help.

 

https://www.aplaceformom.com

[peejman]

1 hour ago, RED333 said:

My Mon and Dad still have their minds so far, we have talked about this very subject. It is a tuff row to ho to have to put a family member in a place they need to be but do not want to be there.

My parents went through it with Mom's mom. It wasn't fun.  Among other things, I have vivid memories of Mom sitting my sister and I down after the funeral and telling us with tears in her eyes to never, EVER, let her be the burden on us that her mom was on her. 

Edited November 8, 2017 by peejman

[MacGyver]

Churches and extended communities can be such a blessing in cases like these if you have one.  

Another pitch for “aid and attendance” benefits if they apply.  It’s been so helpful with my grandmother.  If you think this might apply in her case and need someone to talk to about it, shoot me a PM.  

Something I really appreciate about my parents is that after dealing with it with my grandmother, they squared away long term care options for themselves to take as much of that off of my sister and I when it comes time as possible.  

[gunwhatgun]

Have you tried visitingangels.com? I have never used them but keep them in the back of my mind and my mother declines.

[Defender]

On 11/8/2017 at 12:10 PM, john455 said:

Some of you on here know my situation with my Mother, but for those who don't.

My mother has lived with me for 4 years now, she is 76 and has dementia, at first she was fairly self sufficient, but as she gets worse it puts more and more of a burden on my wife and I. She is now at the point where she can't be left alone at home at all, without fear of her hurting herself or burning the house down. I bought my first gun safe after waking up and walking into the living room in the middle of the night to find her pointing my luckily unloaded .357 magnum at me and pulling the trigger because she didn't know who I was. 

I have a brother and sister who never come and see her or offer any type of help,When I use to ask they would say they didn't want to ruin their memories of her.

With that said I want to ask if anyone on here knows of a website or program that I could contact in East TN (Newport area) that helps caregivers by sitting with the dementia patient for a couple of hours, so my wife and I could just get a small break once a week or something? I have googled it and looked on the internet but all that did was confuse the crap out of me, I have asked her Dr and she set up a home nurse to come out but they just work on memory stuff and I have to stay with her the whole time. 

 Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated 

Sorry, I can offer no help, but I will pray for you, brother.

[mhmd]

ALPS in Morristown is a good source.

Also, if dementia is of Alzheimer’s type, she might quality for hospice and they will often provide some of that type service. If it is senile, vascular, LB, etc, she will not qualify based on the dementia itself. Hospice is hard to hear but may be appropriate. If you go that route, good luck dealing with the siblings. 

The church congregation/ neighbor idea mentioned above is definitely a good idea. 

Good luck,

mark