ZoidMeister's Joke Thread

[ZoidMeister]

42 is also the approximate "half way point" in this journey we call life . . . .

42 is the pinnacle of our health, our careers, children are close to "liberating" the nest (except for me, of course).

It's all downhill from there . . . . .

 

20 minutes ago, Jeb48 said:

One of my favorite books to. Just watched the movie again over Christmas, was as bad as I remembered.

Here is another equally obscure reason for 42.

In 1966, mathematician Paul Cooper theorized that the fastest, most efficient way to travel across continents would be to bore a straight hollow tube directly through the Earth, connecting a set of antipodes, remove the air from the tube and fall through. The first half of the journey consists of free-fall acceleration, while the second half consists of an exactly equal deceleration. The time for such a journey works out to be 42 minutes. Even if the tube does not pass through the exact center of the Earth, the time for a journey powered entirely by gravity (known as a gravity train) always works out to be 42 minutes, so long as the tube remains friction-free, as while the force of gravity would be lessened, the distance traveled is reduced at an equal rate.

 

[ZoidMeister]

Why Parents get Grey Hair . . . . .

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you!

P.S.S
Call when it is safe for me to come HOME.

[ZoidMeister]

Things Women Post on the Internet . . . .

A story posted by the wife of an acquaintance . . . . I gave him kudos for his response.

I had lunch with 2 of my friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress and I am married (for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's what happened:

My Engaged Friend:
The other night when my fiancé came over, he found me wearing only a black bra, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' Then we made passionate love all night long

The Mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it I had only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I Had To Share My Story:
When my husband came home I was wearing a black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

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"What's for dinner, Zorro?

 

 

[ZoidMeister]

Early Retirement Bonuses in the Military

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early
retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his
full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to
measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked
out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of
his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check
for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure,
he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my
testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be
fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He
did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and
began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."

[ZoidMeister]

Irish Viagra . . . . .

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido . . . . 

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.”

"What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked.

"It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said.

She called the doctor the very next afternoon.

"How did it go?" he asked.

"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!"

"Oh, no! What in the world happened?"

"Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.  Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately . . . . .  he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye, and his pants a-bulging.  Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table.  T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"

“Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?"

"Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[ZoidMeister]

It Died . . . . . .

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.  Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy,"' said Mr. Wallace.  "My Private Part died today and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I ' m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.  Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't."  replied Mr. Wallace.  "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well,"  he replied, "today is the viewing."

[ZoidMeister]

???

[Raoul]

Changing barometric pressure

[Garufa]

Flu

[MP5_Rizzo]

Maybe Curly Needs Some......

[btq96r]

Nothing on Facebook worth regurgitating here?

[ZoidMeister]

18 minutes ago, btq96r said:

Nothing on Facebook worth regurgitating here?

Naw, Zoid doesn't do social media . . . . he much prefers anti-social media . . . 

Zoid don't do FaceCraigBookList . . . . it's too much work arguing with stupid . . . 

[Ronald_55]

Maybe you haven't shot enough today. Go blow though a couple hundred rounds. It cures what ails ya....

[Old Mitch]

Or run down to your local all-night fun store and buy a new gun.

buying a new gun is always good for my depression. 

[ZoidMeister]

13 hours ago, Old Mitch said:

Or run down to your local all-night fun store and buy a new gun.

buying a new gun is always good for my depression. 

I have enough guns.  

 

Life is difficult when those that you love hate you . . . . 

[Raoul]

Time perhaps for a re-assessment. I'm old enough to have done so a few times in my life.

[A.J. Holst]

38 minutes ago, ZoidMeister said:

I have enough guns.  

 

Life is difficult when those that you love hate you . . . . 

www.dudeism.com

 

[Ronald_55]

1 hour ago, ZoidMeister said:

I have enough guns

Life is difficult when those that you love hate you . . . . 

I have determined that to be a normal state of affairs.  You either move on or live with it.

 

And you can never have too many guns...or tools. Tools are good too.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Ronald_55

[ZoidMeister]

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Edited March 12, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[Randall53]

Pink Floyd

[MP5_Rizzo]

Pink Floyd....oh the memories that brings back.

[Randall53]

My favorite band of all "time" LOL

[ZoidMeister]

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

[TNWNGR]

Quote

 

Elton say's get over it....;-)

[ZoidMeister]

Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar.
You're gonna go far, fly high,
You're never gonna die,
You're gonna make it if you try;
They're gonna love you.