ZoidMeister's Joke Thread

[Hiker]

I enjoy your jokes !

[ZoidMeister]

8 hours ago, Hiker said:

I enjoy your jokes !

Thank you sir, that's very kind of you. I cannot claim credit for writing them, just "borrowing" them - and sometimes fixing da Engritch . . . 

My Grammar once tole me, "Iff'n ewe cain't speek wright, don' speek atol . . . .

[ZoidMeister]

Meet Frank Feldman . . . . . . .

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. Frank Feldman"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me,
I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his fugging wife"!

[ZoidMeister]

The Irish Daughter . . . .

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?  Why didn't you call?  You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied,  Sniff, sniff . . . "Dad . . . I became a prostitute . . ."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot!  Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club . . . (takes a breath) . . . an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and . . . ."

Her father interrupted, "Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff . . . "A prostitute Dad!."  Sniff, sniff  . . . .

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death girl! I thought you said "a Protestant".   Come here and give your old man a big hug!"

Edited March 2, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

http://lotsofhealthy.com/massive-bumble-bee-recall-2-employees-admit-cooking-man-mixing-batch-tuna/

Massive Bumble Bee Recall After 2 Employees Admit Cooking A Man And Mixing Him With A Batch Of Tuna

 

[monkeylizard]

That's not true.

http://www.snopes.com/bumble-bee-tuna-recall-human/

 

Edited March 3, 2017 by monkeylizard

[gregintenn]

When I was a kid, I remember pretty much everyone knowing whether they were black or white, an without fail, they all knew their gender as well.

I'm starting to believe the movie "Idiocracy" is more a documentary than entertainment.

[Johnny Rotten]

Something is Fishy here!!

[Garufa]

4 minutes ago, gregintenn said:

I'm starting to believe the movie "Idiocracy" is more a documentary than entertainment

I think it's gone past that and is now a training video.

[ZoidMeister]

Fish Tacos anyone . . . . ?

 

(too early?)

[ZoidMeister]

1 hour ago, Garufa said:

I think it's gone past that and is now a training video.

Troof . . . . .

[ZoidMeister]

 

Forty-two is a pronic number and an abundant number; its prime factorization 2 · 3 · 7 makes it the second sphenic number and also the second of the form (2 · 3 · r). As with all sphenic numbers of this form, the aliquot sum is abundant by 12. 42 is also the second sphenic number to be bracketed by twin primes; 30 is also a pronic number and also rests between two primes. 42 has a 14-member aliquot sequence 42, 54, 66, 78, 90, 144, 259, 45, 33, 15, 9, 4, 3, 1, 0 and is itself part of the aliquot sequence commencing with the first sphenic number 30. Further, 42 is the 10th member of the 3-aliquot tree.

[xsubsailor]

You have entirely too much free time on your hands 

[NextExit]

Is this the part where I say "So long, and thanks for all the fish"?  

[ZoidMeister]

18 minutes ago, NextExit said:

Is this the part where I say "So long, and thanks for all the fish"?  

Don't forget your towel . . . . .

[Raoul]

Love the guide. 

 

[gun sane]

So are you saying that Jackie Robinson was pronice or sphenic ball player?

[Raoul]

Don’t Panic.

 

[ZoidMeister]

8 minutes ago, gun sane said:

So are you saying that Jackie Robinson was pronice or sphenic ball player?

Second sphenic, actually . . . 

[ZoidMeister]

1 hour ago, Raoul said:

Don’t Panic.

 

And be wary of Vogons reciting poetry . . . .

 

Zooey was hot in the movie . . . 

Edited March 5, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[Raoul]

The first time I read the complete book was about 81. We were on the way to the beach in my 76 VW camper Van and broke down somewhere around Maysville, NC. Somewhere I've got a pic of me sitting on the road leaning against the front bumper reading the guide and awaiting the wrecker.

 

[Garufa]

49 minutes ago, Raoul said:

Somewhere I've got a pic of me sitting on the road leaning against the front bumper reading the guide and awaiting the wrecker.

 

And swatting at the bats?

[NextExit]

1 hour ago, ZoidMeister said:

And be wary of Vogons reciting poetry . . . .

 

Zoey was hot in the movie . . . 

Unfortunately, the movie thoroughly sucked (IMHO) Some books should just be left alone  

[ZoidMeister]

35 minutes ago, NextExit said:

Unfortunately, the movie thoroughly sucked (IMHO) Some books should just be left alone  

Funny, I had no idea what the book was about until I saw the movie . . . . then it all made sense . . . 

 

Admittedly, the production value of the movie DID suck, but the story benefited from the visuals.  Acting was pedantic (except for Zooey and John Malkovich) but I could never have visualized Marvin or the Vogons so eloquently. 

Edited March 5, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[Jeb48]

One of my favorite books to. Just watched the movie again over Christmas, was as bad as I remembered.

Here is another equally obscure reason for 42.

In 1966, mathematician Paul Cooper theorized that the fastest, most efficient way to travel across continents would be to bore a straight hollow tube directly through the Earth, connecting a set of antipodes, remove the air from the tube and fall through. The first half of the journey consists of free-fall acceleration, while the second half consists of an exactly equal deceleration. The time for such a journey works out to be 42 minutes. Even if the tube does not pass through the exact center of the Earth, the time for a journey powered entirely by gravity (known as a gravity train) always works out to be 42 minutes, so long as the tube remains friction-free, as while the force of gravity would be lessened, the distance traveled is reduced at an equal rate.