ZoidMeister's Joke Thread

[ZoidMeister]

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse."

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?!?"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

[joe4vol]

I have seen it before but it is still funny. 

[ZoidMeister]

Aha!  I found my jokes!  The yoke is on me . . . . .

I guess it is a badge of honor to have all your stuff consolidated into a single thread.  Either that, or it's a royal whack on the pee-pee . . . . .

I'll have to think some more up tomorrow, it's getting too late to be funny . . . . .

 

 

[ZoidMeister]

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.  She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced
and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease
on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.

All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.


The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!

[ZoidMeister]

For the well seasoned traveler . . . . .

Reflections of a seasoned traveler...
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
But I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there before!
So far, I haven't been in Continent, but my travel agent says I'll be going soon.

 

Edited February 27, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Veet for Men . . . .

Don't thinks so?  Just read these reviews!

https://www.amazon.com/Veet-Hair-Removal-Creme-200ml/dp/B000KKNQBK/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8#customerReviews

 

[Dane]

I always thought it was Sugar free Gummi bears.

[ZoidMeister]

The Coyote Principal - or why Texas ain't broke and Commifornia is . . . . .

California

• The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

• The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

• He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

• He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

• The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

• The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

• The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

• The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

• The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training regarding the nature of coyotes.

• PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.

Texas

• The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

• The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

• The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

 

[ZoidMeister]

8 minutes ago, Dane said:

I always thought it was Sugar free Gummi bears.

Those are the SECOND most dangerous, read the reviews on Veet! 

[MP5_Rizzo]

I apparently have too much time to waste at the moment so I clicked on the reviews and this was the fist I read.

This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200ml (1) (Health and Beauty)

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I consider myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)

[Ronald_55]

1 hour ago, MP5_Rizzo said:

I apparently have too much time to waste at the moment so I clicked on the reviews and this was the fist I read.

Me too because I read your repost of it.

Never felt the desire to put a chemical burning agent anywhere close to my boxer briefs

 

[ZoidMeister]

20 minutes ago, Ronald_55 said:

Me too because I read your repost of it.

Never felt the desire to put a chemical burning agent anywhere close to my boxer briefs

 

They get better, keep reading them . . . . .

 

@MP5_Rizzo

[ZoidMeister]

Seems even the LEFT has left her . . . . .

 . . . . . . almost . . . . she still gets our taxes in food stamps . . . .

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog...nightmare_for_the_transgender_fantasists.html


… is jobless, and feeding her family with food stamps. A friend helped her pay this month's rent; next month she expects to be homeless. She has applied for more than 100 jobs, but no one will hire her, not even to stack supermarket shelves. She applied for a position at the university where she used to teach, and says she was interviewed by former colleagues who pretended to have no recollection of having met her. The only work she has been offered is reality TV, and porn.

[Raoul]

4 hours ago, Dane said:

I always thought it was Sugar free Gummi bears.

You know there's way to use these to remove hair also. I will say...it ain't pretty.

[DWARREN123]

I just do not know what to say! JEEZ!

[Erik88]

That's a porno I wouldn't want to watch.....

[jpx2rk]

2 hours ago, Raoul said:

You know there's way to use these to remove hair also. I will say...it ain't pretty.

Oh do tell, please. LOL

[toby1304]

The name of the porno would be "Back in Black".

[E4 No More]

18 hours ago, ZoidMeister said:

Seems even the LEFT has left her . . . . .

 . . . . . . almost . . . . she still gets our taxes in food stamps . . . .

http://www.americanthinker.com/blog...nightmare_for_the_transgender_fantasists.html


… is jobless, and feeding her family with food stamps. A friend helped her pay this month's rent; next month she expects to be homeless. She has applied for more than 100 jobs, but no one will hire her, not even to stack supermarket shelves. She applied for a position at the university where she used to teach, and says she was interviewed by former colleagues who pretended to have no recollection of having met her. The only work she has been offered is reality TV, and porn.

Doing stupid things lead to stupid consequences. 

[TrickyNicky]

Maybe she can get her freak on with octomom and that Bobbit fella. 

 

Now that's a porno I would PAY to see!

 

(Out of morbid curiosity, yeah, that's the ticket....) 

[ZoidMeister]

1 hour ago, TrickyNicky said:

Maybe she can get her freak on with octomom and that Bobbit fella. 

 

Now that's a porno I would PAY to see!

 

(Out of morbid curiosity, yeah, that's the ticket....) 

[ZoidMeister]

New Boots . . . . !

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are from Austin, Texas.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home.  He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.  Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, ever so slowly, "Ya shoulda bought a hat, Sam.  Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Lifesavers . . . . .

A teacher brought a bowl of candy to share with her 1st Grade students.

The children were asked to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "OK, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room....

[ZoidMeister]

The Tennessee Turkey Hunter . . . . . .

An 80 year old Tennessee man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter, that's why I'm in such good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and in fact he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.  How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No . . .  Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!  Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[ZoidMeister]

Sunday Golfing . . . . .

There once was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he got, he headed to the links. It became an obsession.

One Sunday, he arose to ideal golfing weather. The sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was perfect.

The preacher was in a quandary. The urge to play golf overcame him. He enlisted an assistant, telling him that he was sick and could not give the service.

He then packed his car up, and drove 100 miles to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. The angel went to God saying, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God agreed.

The preacher took out his driver and teed up on the next hole - a 325 yard par 4. He swung mightily. The ball sailed through the air, straight as an arrow and landed on the green, bounced twice and disappeared into the hole. An amazing feat. A hole-in-one on a par 4.

The angel was a shocked and turned to God and said, "Beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?