ZoidMeister's Joke Thread

[ZoidMeister]

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve, and a 16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 and a half."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ahh ha! I've got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34.
Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[Oh Shoot]

Zombie related?

[mikegideon]

33 minutes ago, Oh Shoot said:

Zombie related?

Yep. The joke is undead... older than Ruth Bader Ginsburg

[Oh Shoot]

7 minutes ago, mikegideon said:

Yep. The joke is undead... older than Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Yeah, part of "Jewish tailor" genre. One of my favs:

=-------

     So this man wants a new suit, and he goes to a tailor. The tailor puts him up on the platform surrounded by all those mirrors, takes his measurements, and says “OK, come beck in a veek, I'll heve de suit ready.”  

     In a week the man returns to the tailor shop. “Here’s your suit,” says the tailor.  

     “Well, I’d like to try it on,” says the customer. So he goes in the dressing room, takes his clothes off, and starts putting on the suit. It’s all but impossible to get into the thing! Finally, he has it on, comes out, and gets up on the platform again.

     He looks at himself, frowns, and says to the tailor, “This suit is terrible! Look at this! The jacket sleeves are so long they’re flopping! But the shoulders are so narrow I can’t even breathe! The pants legs are baggy! But at the same time, the pants squeeze my hips!” On and on he complains.

     “Vait a minute,” says the tailor, interrupting him. “Here’s vut you’ll do. You’ll go like dis…” And the tailor shows him how to hold in his sleeves, hunch up his shoulders, tuck in the baggy pants with one hand, all at the same time, to “make it fit”.

     A few minutes later the man emerges from the shop onto the street. He’s hobbling down the sidewalk, trying to walk while still holding his sleeve, hunching his shoulders, tucking the pants, etc, etc.

     Two old ladies waiting for a bus across the street notice him as he struggles along.

     “Oy!” says one of the ladies, shaking her head in pity. “Look at that poor man, so crippled, it's a shame.”

     “Yes,” says her companion, also shaking her head. “But doesn’t his suit fit nice!”

Edited February 21, 2017 by Oh Shoot

[ZoidMeister]

Sheesh, tough crowd. No humor fans here?  Well, maybe one . . . . 

[mikegideon]

8 minutes ago, ZoidMeister said:

Sheesh, tough crowd. No humor fans here?  Well, maybe one . . . . 

I'm a big enough fan that I found that joke about 25 years ago   It IS one of my favorites

[ZoidMeister]

It keeps getting better each and every time I remember it . . .   

Was testing the waters to see if the response for these oldies was favorable. 

Joe was a successful lawyer. . . . . nevermind . . . . 

[Wingshooter]

Ha. 

First time I've heard it

[DWARREN123]

Almost as old as me!

[ZoidMeister]

My New Young Bull . . . .

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
... Holy Cow (YEP)! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what the heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

A Texas cowboy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The elderly woman he was talking to said that she was
the pharmacist and as she and her also widowed elderly sister owned the
store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she
could help the gentleman.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely
professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be
confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The old bronco-buster agreed and began by saying, "This is tough
for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you
could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.
When she returned, she said,

“We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3
ownership in the store, a company car, and $3,000 a month plus
living expenses.

[rugerla1]

Good'n!

[ZoidMeister]

Zoid's Grandpa  . . . .

My 90-year-old grandfather went to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

His doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

Grandpa Zoid replied, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

His doctor stated, "My point exactly."

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Out for the Evening . . . .

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bi*** was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her a$$ downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shi* in the vegetable garden again either!"

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Vaseline . . . .

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline.  Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.  "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.  But, in fact, I know  that most people do use it for s*x.  I admire you for your honesty.  Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for s*x?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. 

My husband and I put it on the bedroom doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Rose . . . .

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

The Little White Dot . . . .

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something "exciting" and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one.
Mommy fainted, Daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[ZoidMeister]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . And, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

[ZoidMeister]

The Old Man and the Marine . . . .

One sunny day in 2017, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine replied, “Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.”

The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton”.

The Marine again told the man, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here.”

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.”

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?”

The old man answered, “Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!”

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, “Yes, Sir, see you again tomorrow."

Edited March 1, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[Patton]

That has probably been posted on here a dozen times; and I still laugh every time I read it. 

[ZoidMeister]

16 hours ago, Patton said:

That has probably been posted on here a dozen times; and I still laugh every time I read it. 

Of course, the noob (me) hasn't read it all . . . . yet . . . 

Edited February 24, 2017 by ZoidMeister

[Ugly]

This is the first time I heard or read it, funny and fantastic!

[ZoidMeister]

Snopes says its a true story . . . .

-----------------------------------------------------

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with
the windows rolled up, her eyes closed and with both hands behind
the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot
in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the
doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had
exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a
gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she
reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it
was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could
all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was
from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[ZoidMeister]

The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground!

As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally, the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.

As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.

"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the **** scared out of them!"

[ZoidMeister]

China Travel Service . . . . .

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the pretty young Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and I asked her for her cell phone number so I could call her to make arrangements.

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said,

"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight?"

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!”

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 6-6-6-1-3-6-4-2-9."

Edited March 2, 2017 by ZoidMeister