How to simulate life on board a US Navy Ship...I've been LMAO at this!

[Randall53]

I was not in the Military, but have heard many stories of friends and family. I saw this earlier and had to share.

 

How to simulate life on board a US Navy Ship...

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not.

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle

stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.

Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats) 25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

[bigun]

Spent 10 years in the canoe club and this sums it up pretty good.

[xsubsailor]

 I rode three WWII diesel boats (Subs) and some of those things you listed seem luxurious 

[Randall53]

Thanks to everybody for serving for those of us that could not. That's something my son always said when his mom and I asked him why he didn't get out. He had plans of making it a career. He always said, "Because this is what I do....I go for those that can't go."  

Edited January 23, 2017 by Randall53
To add a memory.

[bigun]

5 minutes ago, Randall53 said:

Thanks to everybody for serving for those of us that could not.

And thank you for your support.

[buck1032]

After 20 years and 17 days of Naval Service with 8 deployments on CV's, CVN's, CG's and FFG's. I approve this message.

[Randall53]

I have a very good friend that retired from the Navy and he's always tellimg me stories about his adventures. He keeps me laughing every time we get together.

[gun sane]

41 minutes ago, buck1032 said:

After 20 years and 17 days of Naval Service with 8 deployments on CV's, CVN's, CG's and FFG's. I approve this message.

I rode on a bird farm, too.  I might suggest pitching a tent at the foot of an airport runway for a month and trying to sleep.

[bersaguy]

12 minutes ago, gun sane said:

I rode on a bird farm, too.  I might suggest pitching a tent at the foot of an airport runway for a month and trying to sleep.

I lived on Shacklett drive in Donelson for about 10 years and the first 2 years sleeping was very much an issue since I was the last house on a dead end street and the north runway glidepath and take of path was exactly 70 yards from my house. In my 3rd year they passed an ordinance that required the Airport to soundproof every house in my neighborhood. They did a good job. After that you could not hear any planes coming or going. Eventually the airport purchased every house in that whole neighborhood and I think they tore most of them down. Have not been back there since I moved.

[xsubsailor]

 The air in the boat was so bad they had to take our mascot topside for fresh air. Actually they got the little fella not long after left that boat so I didn't get to meet him. 

 

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[n0rlf]

This explained my existence onboard several ships very well. Thanks for the memories and laughs. 

One more to add would be the addition to your house of at least 8 flights of stairs. Four up to enter then four down to bedroom level. (Berthing). Best navigated after having tried to consume the last 8 weeks of alchohol intake in the one night of liberty.