Pounding the Gun Show Beat

[gun sane]

I finally got my poor tired feet out of ICU so I'll post a few thoughts on running the gauntlet at the Knoxville Gun, Mall Ninja and Hot Tub show today. I was looking to get rid of some dreck that had accumulated over the past few years. I'd held on to it much too long and it was mostly a buyer's market, since America's No. 1 gun salesman is about to retire in less than 40 days. I suppose we're in that awkward period where gun seekers know the economy is gonna get better but it hasn't shown up on the paycheck yet. It's a lot easier to turn stuff when the customers are thick at the tables and fighting like it's Black Friday at the Walmart towel rack. This time I had to walk the show three times before I was willing to come off my dream price. Baked-on stupidity is hard to scrub out.

First I had to run the gauntlet of lowballers in the parking lot and near the door. Anyone open carrying is subject to interrogation: What ya got? What do ya want for it? What will you take? (As if the second question doesn't matter.) It's easy to shake off the dealers masquerading as civilians. You give them a ridiculous price, such as full retail, and they know they're wasting their time talking to a fool who is unclear on the capitalist concept. But if you're haggling with someone without a FFL, you have a better chance of a tax-free sale. In Tennessee, gun show loopholes are pretty wide but you still should check state ID and frisk for ski masks.

It costs the equivalent of a box of cheap 9mm to gain entry. Sometimes the cops hired for security will make an offer as they zip-tie your gun's action. Many are on the lookout for a bargain throw dow......I mean, backup pistol or revolver.

It's best to eat before you arrive. There's usually a food vendor ready to take your money, if the health department has given them their license back, but you're still paying steak prices for a mystery meat burger. I remember ordering one time and just happened to see my doctor standing behind me staring at me like I was a sheep-killing dog. I told him that the patty makes for an excellent gun lube and actually attracts wild carnivores. Good for me he was one of the 50% of doctors who finished in the bottom half of the class.

The first lap around the building is for show. You want to give the tightwad dealers behind the tables the impression that it isn't your first rodeo and you know which end of the horse smells worse. To set the proper mood, you should dress accordingly. I wore my "Deplorable Lives Matter" t-shirt to declare that I was someone to be reckoned with. When I lived in Texas I was topped with the usual Stetson with all kinds of shiny few-faws dangling off the crown. In East Tennessee, the well-dressed expert has at least 70 ball caps in his closet to choose from, but at the tables he's adorned with a lid which sports at least one Confederate flag and a witty saying, such as, "I Call 1911, Not 9-1-1." 

On the second time around, you should have your game face full on. The dealers now know that you carried all those slung rifles and pistol boxes for a full mile and they're looking for signs of weakness. Some will venture a "No luck, yet?" comment to drain your resolve, but they should be parried with an air of patience. "I may just hang on to 'em while the price goes up." is the only fitting comeback I've learned. Your mileage may vary. Take a minute to lean over their table and give their merchandise a hard look if you didn't do it on the first round. It's not that you're really interested about the same gun you've seen all over the show, but it gives them a chance to scan for all the intricate details of your pride and joy that you desperately want to disown. Caution: Make sure you keep the dinged side against your body--secrets are for serious lookers only. And don't knock over any Tupperware or other arts and crafts displays. It quickly spoils the mood.

A third time around is for God-fearers only. You're praying every step of the way that a miracle will happen and someone will buy for cost plus the price of admission. There's no use putting on any airs. The self-respecting peons have long since headed to the barn. At this point, anything you've got to trade is even-steven with an RG revolver that the dealer euphemizes as "German made." If you're lucky, he'll do the deal and then beat you over the head with both guns. 

I must have been living right because I found a guy who bit on my rock-bottom price. I like to think he took pity, but I suspect he was afraid I'd heave up that hamburger on his chrome-plated throwing stars. I took his cash and hitched a ride from a handicapped scooter driver headed for the door. God moves in mysterious ways.

[Oh Shoot]

Good report.

 

[Garufa]

You sir, have eloquently captured the essence of the gun show experience.

But...what about the jerky? 

[NextExit]

Hot tubs you say?  I'd think a pellet stove or monitor vendor would be there with this weather.  I've only made one transaction outside... guy offered me $25 less than my "asking" price.   win-win!    You're right about the food vendor, I won't even get their coffee.    Expo Center has plenty of choices nearby, Chilhowee Park, not so much.  And you didn't say how long from entry to exit this adventure took.... 

 

[runco]

Ditto on the gun show experiences!  Except I would add, getting ones toes ran over by the large fat guy on the hover round!

[kieefer]

Wow, thats good.

You should summit that to a local paper or your favorite talk show host.

[Dolomite_supafly]

9 hours ago, Garufa said:

You sir, have eloquently captured the essence of the gun show experience.

But...what about the jerky? 

And the ever present sock dealers, are they not supposed to have some sort of federal license to pedal their wares inside a "gun show loophole zone". Or the Nazi paraphernalia dealer who swears he is not a white supremacist nor a member of the clan, yeah right. Or that one dealer that you swear shouldn't be able to own guns because every square inch of exposed skin is covered with what looks like prison tattoos, including his face. Anyone who has been to the Knoxville show knows EXACTLY who I am talking about. There are also those gun show patrons who think soap and water is such a precious commodity that they would never waste it on themselves. 

 

[Sam1]

1 hour ago, Dolomite_supafly said:

There are also those gun show patrons who think soap and water is such a precious commodity that they would never waste it on themselves. 

 

getting practice for a SHTF scenario, they will blend in with the mob more than the rest of us would.

[tnhawk]

Good description of why I haven't been to a gun show in the last two years.

[bud]

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Edited April 26, 2017 by bud

[Danger Rane]

Excellent report sir, you have a way with words. I'd probably enjoy another report, regardless the topic. 

[gregintenn]

Add the ever present crackling of the taser guy, and you've nailed the modern day gun show experience.

[A.J. Holst]

Enjoyed walking in your shoes, well written.

You reference gun show loopholes in TN are pretty wide.

In terms of avoiding paying tax on a used piece of personal property which was taxed when sold new - is this what libs are screaming about? It's all about the money?

Or as Dolo infers - the criminal element straw purchasing new or buying outside used?

[Dustbuster]

Great report! I used to rate the shows either great or bone handle knife n nazi junk laden

4 star on that!! Thanks!!

 

 

[TGO David]

I could actually smell the scent of stale popcorn mixed with spilt overly-syruped fountain drinks hanging in the air as I read it.  Two thumbs up!

 

[Jeb48]

I was at the Expo show and can't disagree with your description and I didn't eat. I did find a pistol I have been looking for at what I thought was a fair price, but tax and NIC would have made it marginal. It was at a table with a fair number of guns. I asked if the price was out the door or did I have to add tax and NIC and he said out the door. I said sold and he did his own background check by asking if I had a carry permit and could he see it. Studied it for about 30 seconds and took the tag of the gun and handed it to me in exchange for cash.