first I want to thank everyone for responding.
I am overwhelmed by the kind thoughts and well wishes here. You all mean so much to me. I do not know how I would get by without this outlet. I pretty much do not know how to respond to this thread I started. Words fail me.
Not to worry, while dark thoughts have gone through my head, and the darkest of options has as well, I am not going that route.
I deeply appreciate everyone's input.
I feel weak (mentally) from my despair compared to what some of you have gone through. Compared to that I have no problem.
Everyday lately I kick myself in the ass and tell myself to keep going. Just sometimes there is no more "keep going" left in me.
( now after an hour on the phone maybe I can finish this post.) My head hurts too much to think anymore. Oh well tomorrow is another day, I just fear what pain it will bring.
Just know that I appreciate everyone and am better for knowing all of you.