I love it.. I had a rottweiler that would sometimes suddenly get up and leave the room and in a few seconds there would be no question as to why.
One time we actually heard it.. it must have tickled her too cause she jumped up, put her nose to her ass, started snorting, sneezing, and RAN out of the room.
Talk about something burning your eyes!
while laughing at this thread it reminds us how people take things differently. Some of us will snicker & laugh when standing at the urinal and the guy next to ya starts calling ducks or when that poor sob sitting in the stall down the way drops the mother load.. some wont' even smirk, they'll just quietly finish their business and go about their merry way.
I for one find everything hilarious.. This being the case.. and while were at it.. I thought I would post this.. Some may have seen it.. Some not.. Some will laugh their a$$es off while others will find it disgusting.. anyway.. here it is...
The Perfect Dump:
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump:
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag):
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump:
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Splash Back Dump:
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.
The Childbirth Dump:
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump:
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump:
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump:
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little **stard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump:
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump:
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump:
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Ghost Poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet
paper, but there's no poo in the bowl.
The Clean poo:
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl,
but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
The Wet Poo:
You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped.
So yo end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid
marks.
The Wet Cheeks Poo:
That's the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that
your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or
splash-back.
The Second Wave Poo:
This poo happens when you think you've finished, your pants
are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to
poo some more.
The Brain Haemorrahage-through-your-nose Poo:
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn
purple and practically have a stroke.
The Lincoln Log Log-
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it
down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the
toilet brush.
The Power Dump Poo:
The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your
pants down and you're done.
The Liquid Plumber Poo:
This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it
overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the
advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.
The Spinal Tap Poo:
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear
it's got to be coming out sideways.
The 'I-think-I'm-turning-into-a-bunny' Poo:
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the
water.
The 'What-the-hell-died-in-here' Poo:
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you
don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead,
you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they
run out gagging and gasping for air.
The 'I-just-know-there's-a-turd-still-dangling-there' Poo:
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop.
w00h00.. mmmm!!! gotta get there soon!