Ok a few things. The short shells are sending lead down at the same speed as full size shells (1200fps). They have the same power per ball. They also should produce the same amount of gas that powered a semi auto shotgun. The feeding issue is the length of the shell itself. The chamber is not designed to properly guide and feed the shorter shells. For home defense I would feel comfortable using them as they are equally powerful but only in a break action gun. I would not risk a jamb when I needed a second shot.
As for your recoil concerns: A 20 gauge shotgun often come in a smaller size frame. If it weighs less then the 12 gauge frame there is no less recoil.
A 410 is an excellent option provided she can shoot it accurately. It fires 000 buck and slugs at 1200 FPS making it equally as affective per Equally sized projectile, just often there are less or they are slightly smaller .. smaller is relational, keep in mind a 410 slug is the same size as a 45 caliber handgun.
Rossi makes a revolver action carbine that can be loaded with 410 shells or 45 long colt pistol rounds. Very little recoil and as the 45 rounds are only pushing 950 FPS it also is quite. This is nice for helping someone who has not grown up shooting to feel comfortable as they learn and practice.
keep in mind..... because I am skilled, trained, and firearms are second nature for me,I am just as secure protecting myself with a 22 rim fire as a 12 gauge shotgun... being trained and confident always out weighs size of your gun