I am a truly dynamic figure who is often seen scaling walls and crushing blocks of ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate baseball box scores for Russian refugees. I write award-winning operas. I am known as “Mr. Time Managementâ€.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row to embrace the adage. “Sink or swim.â€
I woo women with my sensual trombone playing. I can pilot a bicycle up severe inclines with unflagging speed, I cook “Thirty minute brownies†in seventeen minutes! I am an expert in art stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a hefty glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I addressed Congress at the opening session last year. I have been subject of a PBS documentary narrated by David McCullough. When I am bored, I construct large suspension bridges in my yard. I hang-glide to school when the weather is balmy. On Wednesdays after school, I repair electrical appliances for free.
I am an abstract painter, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless procrastinator. Critics have swooned over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen – yet I still receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes.
My deft floral arrangements have earned my fame in international botany circles. I am known as “Mr. Bird Watcher†at the Audubon Center. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at minute moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, David Copperfield and Moby Dick in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dinning room set that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the local supermarket. I have performed several covert operations in New Zealand for the CIA. I sleep once a week when I do sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada I successfully negotiated with a group of anarchists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics don’t apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I doge, I frolic and I pay cash instead of using my American Express card. On weekdays – to let steam, I engage in full-contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spatula and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and Spelling Bees in the Forbidden City. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis…
Really, I'm just a System Administrator.